10/24/2025
3:21 AM
It must've started from another dream of you, but I went through another cycle.
This one was a bit different, though. I talked about you to Shannon. It was late at night, walking my dog after getting home from a late shift at work. It was a rough day at work, I wasn't in the right headspace, and while walking the dog, I pulled up an old video of us.
It was nothing new, just had been a while since rewatching. There was that moment again, where you were talking about that girl you wanted me to meet. I cringed, like always, at my reaction. I know I've talked about this before, but I'll always regret my distant and cold reaction towards your whole spiel about her, just because to me, you were talking about another girl. I wish I could shake myself and make myself realize you were just being kind, you just wanted to instill the same confidence and independence she had in me. Anyways, I screen-recorded a small part of that conversation and sent it to Shannon. I went on to send her a long voice memo about how kind you were being, and how you were always looking out for me. How making me a better person, out of pure sincerity, was just who you were.
By the morning, she had replied. For years, she's listened to me yap about you, and how great you were, and how I'll never be able to move on. This was the first time she was able to feel it on a personal level, after watching the part I sent to her. She was able to connect everything I ever said about you to the video to see for herself what I was always going on about.
After the above, to help form a bit of contextualization, I wanted to just write about what I had realized these past few days. You were ahead of your time. You were the most patient, sincere, fun and kind man I had ever met in my entire life. You were never angry, never moody, never spilling your words out of frustration. Even when I was complaining or giving you a hard time, you just knew how to work with me. Everything you did was to help me become a better person. You'd always have a smile on your face, always cracking jokes.
Shannon and I hung out tonight, and after watching that small part of the video, she was curious to see the rest. We watched the whole video, just eating McDonald's and commenting. You should've seen the looks on her face. It was the first time I had a genuine outside perspective on us. Now I know, it wasn't in my head, what we had was fucking unlike anything else anyone has ever experienced. You can't sit and tell me we weren't made for each other. We never took our fucking eyes off of each other, we never stopped touching each other. We were kissing each other every 5 seconds. Shan and I looked at each other and knew that neither of us, in our current relationships, ever did that same thing. I don't care if it was only 5 months and maybe we were just in the honeymoon stage; never in the 4 years of my current relationship have I ever felt that same way. When I talked, you had your full attention on me. Nothing else mattered.
I have to be up in a few hours for work, so I should probably go to bed. However, I just wanted to say that this will never be the end. Even if I met someone else who shared the same personality and gave me everything without asking, it still wouldn't be enough. I just want you. I want to thank you, from every part of my heart, for giving me the experience of you. I used to judge you for telling me, "Don't be sad because it's over, be happy that it happened.", but I caught myself thinking that way the other day. I am just so fucking happy that in my lifetime, I got to experience true love, never-ending happiness. It's hard to realize I'll never feel that again, but I'm so fortunate and privileged to know that I got to experience it once. I'll always have something to look back on and smile at. I just hope she knows what she has, and she doesn't take you for granted.
One day, I'll message you, for real, just to thank you. I just need you to know what you did for me, and how you were the most brilliant person to exist. What I felt, and still feel for you, will forever be indescribable. You were everything. Hearing your laugh again in that video brought me so much life. It was nice to see Shan's reaction to that video, just to know she saw it too, that we were so in love. Exactly like the movies.
God, I'd let the world burn for you.
