Our Secret To Keep.

Chapter Fifty-Three - Things Don't Need To Change

Blythe

I settle into my car seat, taking a deep breath and sighing. I shouldn't have rushed away; I overreacted, but I prefer not to dwell on it. I've made my stance clear many times. Once I change my mind, I'll let him know. I don't understand why he's so insistent on making everything public—he could jeopardise everything we have. It would bring a lot of unnecessary drama for both of us. Why is there something wrong with how we're currently? Yes, we need to be cautious, but we've managed it well for months.

I close my eyes as his words echo in my mind. Is Kade right? Am I just making excuses? I probably am. Maybe my walls are rising again because things are starting to feel serious. Guarding my heart has become a bad habit of mine for some time now. All it takes is one too many heartbreaks for it to become easier to do. I believed things were different with Kade. I was different with him. I want things to be different. Sometimes, I get frustrated with myself.

I gather my composure and start the car, driving straight to work. I didn't want to be outside when Kade came out because he'd be angry that I ran away. It was a childish reaction. No one should bother me today; I'm not in the mood and might snap at them, which wouldn't be fair, but that's how I feel.

My drive is quiet, lost in thought. I pull into my parking spot, glance at myself in the mirror, noticing the bags under my eyes from tiredness. I fix my hair, apply some cream under my eyes, and reapply my lipstick before stepping out. With a confident smile, I enter, greeting everyone politely on my way to the office. Kade will arrive soon, but at least here, there's less chance we won't continue our conversation, as it would be too risky.

I notice an iced coffee on my desk. My assistant must have left it for me. I smile, sit, and take a sip of my coffee before signing in to my computer. I always check my emails first, and, as always, there are many. Some are important. Some aren't. I will still go through them all and reply.

I am soon focused when a knock comes at my office door. I instantly know who it is without even looking. My gut and body always sense when Kade is close. With a deep breath, I lift my head and motion for him to come inside.

Kade appears hesitant, pausing briefly before opening the door and entering.

"Hi." He greets me as he reaches my desk.

I lean back in my office chair. "Hello."

Sighing, he comes around to where I am. He leans against my desk. "Are we okay? You rushed off."

"I apologise for that. I shouldn't have done it, Kade, but nothing has changed. I still prefer not to go public. I understand this isn't what you want to hear, but it's necessary for now. Things don't need to change, Kade. I like how they are. " I reply gently.

"Okay, I should get to work. I will see you at lunch," he says, avoiding saying anything about my comment about nothing needing to change. He clearly doesn't agree with that.

Kade sighs once more and heads to the door silently, his disappointment evident, even if he is trying to hide it. 

"Kade?" I call before he can leave my office.

He halts and faces me, his expression unreadable. "Yeah?"

"I am sorry."

He shrugs his shoulders. "It's fine. It's what you want."

Kade leaves my office before I have a chance to respond. Frustration mounting, I run my fingers through my hair. I dislike the idea of disappointing him or hurting him, but I can't ignore my feelings. Going public is a major move that will bring many changes, and there have already been enough. I am not ready to handle more upheaval right now.

Part of me wants to follow him, but I stop myself. I'll give him some time and see him at lunch, unless he changes his mind about having lunch together. I need to wait and see. Everything that happened today will keep playing on my mind for the rest of the day.

I need to keep it together and get back to work. I have a lot to do today. I can't let my relationship drama distract me. The last thing I want is to fall behind and end up working late.

I realise we can't keep our relationship hidden forever, and that's not my intention. Once our project ends, we might discuss it further. If Kade either can't or chooses not to, I honestly don't know how things will turn out between us. I'm unsure if we can continue to make it work if we're on different pages. Clearly, I don't want our relationship to end; I care for him deeply, and he's become such an important part of my life in a short time. I would feel lost without him and miss him if he weren't around.

I close my eyes, practise breathing exercises to clear my mind of negativity, and gently massage my temples. There's a chance I'll see him before lunch, but we won't be alone, so we'll stay professional. I hate it when things are off between us. If we had stuck to our original arrangements, none of this would be happening. We would be colleagues and friends who have sex, nothing more, but our arrangement changed quickly. Even if I could go back, I wouldn't change it, though life would be easier.

I shake my head. My attempt to avoid overthinking isn't going as planned. It looks like it's going to be a long day. Maybe by the end of our work hours, things will settle down, but I won't hold my breath. That would be too simple, and life rarely is, especially when it comes to the things that truly matter.