Our Secret To Keep.

Chapter Thirty-Six - I Don't Know The Right Thing To DO

Blythe

The rest of yesterday was stressful. I spent it upset and confused. I still don't know the right thing to do. Ending things would make life easier, but I don't think I want to. Kade is right, things have shifted between us. It isn't just sex anymore, and that scares the hell out of me. Kade deserves better than me, than what my family is doing to him- well, my sister. She needs to ruin everything. I feel terrible for thinking that because I know my sister is not well.

On the other hand, though, I have tried to help Beth. We all have. Should I really need to put my life on hold because of her? It is all very confusing.

It was tempting to call in sick today, but I decided against it. I have too much work to do. I dread seeing Kade. I never reached out to him at all after he left my place yesterday morning. I will be professional today, and I hope he will do the same. Maybe by the end of our workday, I will be ready to talk and have made up my mind about what's right.

I give myself the once-over in the mirror. A black, elegant dress covers my body, and my heels match. I didn't have the energy to do my hair and make-up in the way I usually do. Instead, my hair is up in a tie, and my make-up consists of mascara and lipstick, nothing more. I still look presentable, but a little different from what people at the office are used to. I don't care. I don't have the energy.

I make sure I have everything and head out. I am walking to work today. I am leaving a little earlier than usual because I am walking, but also because I want to stop at my favourite café for breakfast and coffee. All I ate yesterday was nearly a full carton of ice cream and a family bag of chocolate buttons, not the greatest choices, but it was what I needed. I didn't want anything else. I need something more to fuel me for my hectic day.

Leaving my building, I stroll towards the café. It will only take ten minutes. I get lost in my thoughts until I arrive and head inside, placing my order for toast with avocado and poached eggs, along with a large iced vanilla latte. I glance around, searching for a table. It is busy. I thought it would be a little quieter at this time, but people must have had the same idea as me. I spot a free one next to the window. It gives me a chance to watch the world go by while I am here.

I make myself comfortable, and my coffee arrives quickly. I take a sip and smile. They make such good iced coffee in here. Some places are so bad at it, but I have never been disappointed here. I take my phone out to check my emails, occupying myself until my food arrives.

I get lost in what I am doing until someone clears their throat, making me glance up. My breath hitches in my throat when my eyes fall on Kade, dressed in his grey suit, looking handsome. He always looks attractive, no matter what time of day it is or what he is wearing.

"Kade, what are you doing here?"

"I promise I didn't come here because I knew you were here. I woke early and couldn't sleep, so I came out to get some breakfast."

He may not have done it on purpose, but he does know it is my favourite place to go.

"Me too." I sigh.

He nods. "I will leave you in peace."

Kade goes to walk away, but I find myself reaching for him, grabbing his wrist before he goes any further. He focuses his attention on me.

"You can sit with me." I smile.

"Are you sure?"

"Yes, please."

Kade seems hesitant, probably because he told me he would give me the time I needed. I tug at his wrist, and eventually he takes the seat across from me. I was not prepared to see him. I didn't expect to see him for at least another hour and a half.

"How are you?" he asks softly.

I sigh and shrug. "Not so good. I am confused and stressed. You?"

There is no point in telling him otherwise. Kade and I are always honest with one another.

He reaches over the table, resting his hand over mine. "I am the same."

We are both feeling overwhelmed.

"I am sorry I let you leave, Kade, and that I didn't reach out at all after you left," I whisper, trying to keep my emotions at bay.

I hate showing emotion in public. People think you are weak even when you aren't.

Kade squeezes my hand, his eyes firm. "You don't need to be sorry. I told you to take the time you need, beautiful. That hasn't changed."

How can he be so understanding? If the roles were reversed, I wouldn't be as calm. I would be annoyed. A part of me wants to tell him right here and now that I don't want to end things and I want to be with him, but I can't. I need more time to think. I hate myself for doing this to him.

"I need a little more time."

"And that is okay." He smiles, letting go of my hand.

How did we get here? The agreement was sex, nothing more. When did it start to become more? Has it always been more, but we were in denial? I feel strongly that our time in London played a role in it.

"Maybe tonight we can meet after work?"

"If that is what you want, beautiful. You can let me know once we finish."

"Thank you for understanding."

"Always." He replies.

The conversation ends there because my breakfast arrives along with Kade's drink. He laughs when he sees my order.

"Why are you laughing?" I ask, furrowing my brows.

"Because I ordered the exact same thing."

I laugh too. "Great minds think alike. You can take a slice of mine if you want while you wait, and then I will steal a slice of yours."

"No, it is okay. You enjoy, mine won't be long."

I tuck into my breakfast, my thoughts running crazy as I do. Having him sit across from me, handsome and smelling so good, is making it hard to focus on anything else. I expected it to be awkward, especially with everything going on, but it isn't. I always feel comfortable in his presence, no matter what. He gives me a sense of security. It is something a man hasn't made me feel in a long time. That alone should tell me ending things with Kade would be a mistake.