Love Shy

Chapter Forty Four

At three sixteen am my brother lost his battle to live. He was seventeen and never got the chance to meet his daughter, Tiegan Sean Monroe. I knew before they came to my room. I knew before I saw their faces, before I heard the words. Before I could even comprehend the heart shattering pain in my chest I knew my brother had died. My Sean, My roach, My big brother. I felt sick as i thought back to a few hours earlier when I couldn't have been happier...

 The room finally emptied of doctors and nurses as tears streamed my face. My heart ached with all the conflicting emotions of the past days. Finally I was alone with Jordan as Kieran slowly shut the door giving me space as I got as close to Jords as I could. Exhaustion was being replaced with new found  energy now that hope had registered in my chest. His hand clutched at me loosely as his grey eyes focused on me. He didn't say a word but he didn't need to. Since he groaned almost fifteen minutes earlier letting me know he was OK he hadn't made any other noises but I felt like we had been talking non stop.. His eyes portrayed everything he was thinking and feeling. I saw the pain he was in, his relief at me being there, his worry about our baby and the drip connected to my arm. The silence stretched on for a few minutes as i stopped the tears and began to tell him all the damage caused. His fingers slowly tracing the ring on my wedding finger as I spoke and he took in everything I was saying. When i assured him the baby and I were OK he squeezed my hand tighter as if hearing that made him stronger. But then i told him about Sean being in a coma and he closed his eyes tightly as if blocking out what I was saying. 

A knock at the door sounded before Lisa (Jordan's mum) and Anton walked in, both ashen and tired but elated to see him awake. It suddenly struck me they had been through all of this before with Jordan's oldest brother. Moving my chair back to give them room I felt a wave of guilt wash over me, "This must be so difficult for you, im so sorry"  I whispered in a near sob. Lisa hugged me as best she could her tiny frame fitting neatly round me in my wheelchair. "none of this was your fault shy. Don't you dare blame yourself. You just take care of my grandson in there OK?" she said leaning back to rub my belly before wiping a few stray tears from her eyes and turning to Jordan to kiss his forehead. Anton was at his other side sitting on the chair his head bowed as he rested his hand on Jordan's tatted arm. Ignoring the pain in my rib I leaned down to place a kiss to Jordan's hand. "I love you babe, ill be back tomorrow OK?" i whispered and to my absolute pleasure his voice although scratchy and gravelly sounded out "love you" was all he managed and tears of relief sprung to my eyes. he was awake and talking. Before I even began to turn my wheel chair towards the door Kieran was entering the room to help. In silence we made our way back to my room where dad was waiting to say goodnight to me and tell me the police knew Jordan and I were awake and would be coming to take statements in the morning. After letting dad feel my baby kick in my stomach and hugging and crying and then talking to him about Sean's daughter who was still in an incubator after a distressing birth he said good bye and the doctor came to explain that they would be keeping me in possibly one more night just to keep an eye on me and the baby after the shock we had been through. 

I fell asleep listening to the rain on the hospital window after speaking to the girls on a three way call. I remember thinking it was weird that it was raining on my birthday but that it fit my mood perfectly. With a jolt i was sitting up rubbing my swollen belly as i looked around a little disorientated then a crushing pain took over my chest stealing my breath momentarily. A few seconds later the pain was gone replaced by a sense of dread and unease as i glanced at the clock, two minutes past three. Easing out of the bed slowly i gripped the hospital gown tightly around me as i shuffled slowly to the toilet. washing my hands i felt the jolt again and my hands flew to my stomach checking in a slight panic to feel if it was the baby letting me know something was wrong. Nothing. The pain was in my chest not my stomach i reasoned shuffling back to the bed. Nine minutes past three. wincing slightly as i got back into the rough sheets on my hospital bed I sat up biting my lip. Something was wrong. but what? I knew I wouldn't sleep and it was too late to ring anyone without worrying them. So instead I rolled on to my right side and cradled my small bump as I stared at the clock. Waiting for the uneasy feeling to leave me so i could drift back off.

 A sudden memory came back to me of when we were all kids. Sean and I had crept into kierans room and placed a fake spider in his bed, then we sat on my bed watching the alarm clock on my bedside table as we waited for it to hit ten pm so Kieran would go to bed. Laughing lightly at the memory of Kieran shouting and swearing and then getting in trouble for his bad language as me and Sean hid under my covers trying to keep our giggles in. We must have only been seven and eight at the time. It wasn't until a tear rolled down my chin that i realised I was crying. slowly wiping away the moisture on my cheeks i inhaled as a thought struck me. Sean. something was wrong with Sean. A feeling of doom washed over me. He was gone. I knew it even whilst praying I was wrong. My eyes re focused on the clock. Three twenty three. Sitting back up in bed I wondered whether I could sneak in to the room where my brother was being kept. Unable to comprehend the idea of him not being alive. I glanced at the clock again three twenty eight. Before I could work out a plan of action the door to the room opened and My dad stumbled in. My heart stopped as the little boy in my stomach squirmed uneasily. 

"no" was all i whispered as dad approached the bed slowly bending down to place his forearms on the white sheets at the end of the bed before bowing his head and howling in the most heart wrenching cry i had ever witnessed. My head swam as dizziness swept me up and spun me around the room making everything fuzzy and blurred. placing my face in my hands I sobbed until I had nothing left. "they took my boy" was all dad could manage between his sobs, at some point that i was unaware of his knees had given out forcing him to sink into the visiting chair next to my bed. Leaning forward I placed my hand on his neck. It was all I could reach with the little energy I had left and all I could offer as memories of my brother bounced off the walls of my mind almost painfully. His sixth birthday I blew out his birthday candles making him cry.  In year eight he had beat up a boy for teasing me about mums death. Us sitting watching Disney films and eating cheerios, The day he found out I was pregnant at the travel lodge. Everything was too much. My Sean was gone. He was a year older than me, and he had a baby girl to look after he couldn't be dead. oh my god! Jade! Fresh tears cascaded down my face at the thought of Jade and her new born baby girl.  This was all my fault. Never again would I celebrate my birthday. Bile sped up my throat and I had barely enough time to turn my head before chucking my guts up all over the floor. Dads hand on my back was no help as i sat helplessly. My brother was gone.  

I don't remember much after that. I know I was taken down to say goodbye to my brother. I know Jade had been sedated for her own safety and the police had come to take statements due to the fact that it was now a murder investigation. I remember Kieran being on the floor slumped over as if he had slid down the wall and not moved since. the tears on his face making it all seem more real. I subconsciously prayed that wherever the twins were when they heard the news that they were only with each other. Any one else being around them at this moment might result in someone else losing their life tonight.   

I didn't sleep. I was placed back in my room with someone checking on me hourly it had been cleaned and my bed remade but I was now alone. There was now a police officer somewhere ensuring Jordan was safe from anyone coming to Finnish off what they had started. But still I felt completely numb. I couldn't shake the cold no matter how many blankets I buried myself in as I sat quietly listening to the clock ticking on the table beside me and the sounds of the hospital slowly waking up outside my door.  At first the minutes had felt like hours dragging by as I prayed for it to go backwards so i could have my brother back. But then I got caught up in a day dream and several hours flew by without me even realizing. I refused to see anyone, although Carina and Kayla had tried  I just told the woman on the front desk I didn't want to have visitors and stared blankly out of the window.  The door opened and I took my arm out of the bedding ready to have my blood pressure taken yet again but jolted when lips brushed across my cheek. Turning to see who the hell just kissed me a gasp left my mouth. There in front of my eyes stood the one person I had not expected to call in but was so glad did. "hi" I whispered. "hi yourself."