Love Shy

Chapter Forty nine

The insistent beeping in my ear felt like a million tiny grenades going off in my head and I struggled with the ability to breathe as realisation dawned.
Every time I was here something bad happened and I was filled with dread as I tried to remember what had put me in hospital this time.

"Shy?" my name was whispered close to my ear and I made a few attempts to open my eyes before finally focusing on my dad's face.
"hey baby girl. How you feeling?" he asked with tears shining in his eyes. "what happened?" I croaked wondering why he wasn't as alarmed as I was. I took in my hospital gown and the single machine I was attached to that was monitoring my heart. Nothing explained why I was here. My eyes flicked back to my dad and he smiled at me as he stroked my hair back like he used to do when I was sick as a child.

"dad. Why am I here?" I questioned again and he wiped a stray tear that had managed to escape from his eye. "there was an accident chyanne" he whispered and I felt my heart seize as my arms wrapped around my stomach. Then I froze.

Looking down in horror I ripped the sheets from my stomach. It was still big but not round and full or as big as before. "dad? Dad?" I screamed panicking. Not able to bring my self to ask where my child was as I searched the sheets as if he would miraculously appear. "shy calm down, stop it. Just calm down the baby's fine. He's fine"

In that moment the world stopped spinning and my heart tried to break free from my chest. I looked down at my depleted stomach again in confusion. "shy you were rushed into hospital for an emergency cesarean yesterday afternoon. You fainted at the house and it forced you into labour. Monroe got stuck..."
"Monroe?" I questioned and my dad beamed at me again more tears spilling from his eyes now. " he's called by his surname until you name him. Anyway he got stuck and you lost quite a bit of blood." 

"I want to see him" I whispered cutting my dad off again and trying to swing my legs from the bed. They stayed where they were and I grimaced at the pain tearing through my stomach. "Careful baby, it's going to take some time" dad whispers fresh tears rolling down his face now he knows I'm OK. "Where is he dad? Where's my baby I want to see my baby" I'm crying again and my dad nods before going to find help.

"Chyanne, how are you feeling?" A Doctor steps into the small room and I look past him to see if someone is bringing my baby to me. "I want to see my son" I whisper hoarsely and he nods before checking all my vitals. "We are just setting up a wheel chair to take you down to the intensive care unit now." He must see the horror on my face because he goes on to explain . " from what I understand you had quite a shock and fainted. Falling on a coffee table. This caused the baby to get distressed and forced you into premature labour. He was born via emergency cesarean yesterday afternoon  at 3.16 pm. Weighing four pounds and eight ounces" I hadn't realised I had been gripping the doctors hand until he have me a reassuring squeeze. " He had a traumatic birth and he was born so early that we just want to keep an eye on him maybe another day or two."  Just then two nurses wondered in with a wheelchair and set about moving me from the bed to the chair. Within minutes we were on our way and dad clutched my hand the whole time. It wasn't lost on me that Jordan should have been holding my hand. Flashes of yesterday came rushing back to me. The gun. The story Jamal told us.  My heart racing so fast a wave of dizziness took over me. I remember My eyes going blurry before everything turns black. My heart breaks. "Is Jordan OK?" I ask my dad even though I still can't believe any of the stuff he has been involved in. "He's in police custody shy." And I nodded but my heart broke a little more. I would be seeing our baby on my own.

My heart melted and love rushed through me when finally my wheel chair was positioned next to the incubator that held the tiny little boy I had created. He was attached to various tubes and his tiny little hands were covered with mittens. He was fast asleep and looked like a tiny doll. "He's so beautiful" I whispered and dad squeezed my shoulder in agreement. For the millionth time I was crying and for once it was happy tears.

I lost all track of time as I sat and stared at the gorgeousness that was my child. I never thought I could be so in love. I was told by the nurses that he was responding really well and if the doctor felt it was OK I might be able to hold him later on today. It was only 9.03 my baby wasn't even a day old yet. 

It was just after twelve when we was given the go ahead and my little man was removed from his incubator. I was even in love with his little cry.  We were both transported back to my little room as I had lost a lot of blood and would need to stay overnight anyway.  He was placed in my arms and big grey eyes looked up at me from a tiny scrunched up face.  No more crying. Just my perfect boy looking up at me. Dad and kieran were both there taking pictures and having a little cuddle.  I was bursting with pride even as I missed Jordans presence.

Over the next few hours I was taught how to breastfeed and change his nappy. The fact that he was born at 3.16 made me think of my brother and when they asked me what I wanted to name him I had no doubts.

My boy would be named after the uncles he would never get to meet. Sean and Daniel.

A few hours later the police came in to question me about Jordan. From what they explained Jordan had still been holding the gun when an ambulance arrived and police were waiting for him when we arrived at the hospital. According to Kayla and Carina Jordan had lowered the gun and for some reason I chose that moment to faint. I must have literally been dizzy with relief. I still couldn't believe the story I had been told. But slowly things started to slot into place, even the way Jordan handled Anton's friends at the birthday meal said he knew them on a personal level. How he managed to keep that part of his life separate was beyond me. I had known him near enough four years.

Seeing the girls holding baby Sean made me cry all over again. They had bought teddies and blankets and cute little outfits and explained that my baby shower had been postponed until further notice. I realised a lot later than i should have that i Jordan might not know about the birth or name of his son. But looking down at Sean I remember thinking as long as this little boy was happy that was all that mattered. Evening was fast approaching when Lisa and Anton came to visit me and although I wanted to be angry I couldn't. Instead we cried together (well Lisa and I did anyway. Anton just smiled) as I introduced them to their grandson and nephew. "Shy he is absolutely beautiful. I can't believe it. He looks just like Jordan as a baby. And those dimples. Oh god shy" then she was off crying again. Although I was pretty sure these tears were more for Jordan and not baby Sean. Still I cuddled her small frame to me as I held Sean in my other arm before Anton took him letting me hold her properly. "Oh shy this is such a mess. I'm so sorry for everything." She whimpered and my heart shattered for the millionth time. "Its not your fault mum." Anton stated as he rocked Sean gently in his arms. Our eyes connected and I knew he wanted to talk to me alone. I also knew that meant he had spoke to Jordan and knew what had happened the day before. I shook my head softly. Now was not the time to deal with this drama. I would talk to Jordon, get his side of the story and work out what we were going to do but right now I couldn't handle it.

Finally left alone with my baby boy I stared down at him in wonder. My tiny little creation so beautiful I could burst. His soft little sighs as he slowly fell asleep after just feeding from me he'd me in awe of him. Just then the door clicked and I smiled up expecting to see the nurse. Oh.

"Hi" I whispered after getting over my initial shock.

"Hi yourself."