Crack Attack: A Collection of One-Shots and Other Disturbing Shit

Endstone (The Pack)

A one-shot based very loosely on Mitch's parody song "Endstone." This story might be offensive to some people, so please check your feelz at the door. None of my writing is meant to offend anyone.

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It was never meant to happen this way. That wasn't how things were supposed to go. So much for a fuckin' vacation, right? When you think of getting away from it all, you just kinda expect that you'll come back from it, ya know? It shouldn't've been him - it shoulda been Preston. He was supposed to be the first one in line, he was the one who told Mitch to go first. It was all his fuckin' idea. He's the one who deserved this, not Mitch.

And don't try to tell me it was 'his time,' that God was calling him to sing in some cheesy, feathery, effervescent choir. Mitch fuckin' hated choir. That's a load of bullshit. He's gone and there's nothing but a ton of dirt and a wooden box waiting for him. And if this all-perfect, all-knowing, all-loving, all-magic God was a tenth as all-good as everyone says It is, Mitch'd be here right now. But he's not. Now would you look at that! Where's your God now, Pressy?

'But Jerome, that's so mean!' Don't accuse me of being cold-hearted. Don't talk to me about Gods and love and accidents. Don't try to tell me about friendship and kindness and forgiveness. Don't. Don't even waste your breath. I don't wanna hear it.

Ya know, you never realize how shitty your friends are until one of 'em bites the actual dust. The only decent ones are Vik and Rob, and you know right away Rob's not really my friend. He's Preston's. But at least they both tried. That's more than I can say of Preston and Lachlan. Those two just sat and stared like fuckin' guppies. Fish, fish, fish, right? When Vik and Woof saw him fallin', they ran after him to help. Lot o' good it did, but they still tried. Not Lachlan the fuckin' yuppy guppy. Not Preston the prayin' piranha. Nope, they just stood there at the top of the slope and watched him go. Sick motherfuckers.

No, the other two at least tried to save him and I about killed myself getting down there, too. Skiing was never my thing; it was Mitch's. He just dragged me along. So Rob went all try-hard-MLG-ski-pro and tried to stop him... but he got there too late. He was three-quarters of the way down before he got to him. He was the first one to see him.

I got there next. I tried to wake him up but...

He was gone. Anyone could see that. I just lost it then, did some things I shouldn't've done, said some things I shoulda kept quiet about. I was watchin' everything from the outside, like I was seeing a moon landing on the news back in Florida. Lachlan and Rob had to pull me and Preston apart. I hope I knocked his fuckin' teeth out.

Then Vik finally got there and tried to bring him back. He really, really tried. He was always the smart one. He was always in control. He shoulda been a doctor instead of hangin' around with stupid losers like us. His parents must've been thrilled, givin' up all those grades and scholarships so he could come play video games with his geeky lackeys in a creeptastic ass house.

Someone called for help at some point and the people showed up and threw us all in a helicopter. The medics acted like they were gonna get him back for our sake, like we were little kids and didn't know how things went down. What was the point? When a guy's face is purple and blue and smashed in until all you can see's blood and broken teeth and his neck's barely holding his head on, what're you gonna do about it? Put a Band-Aid on it and kiss it better?

They said he didn't suffer. They said he just hit a boulder and tripped and went crunch and that was that. They said it woulda hurt like hell for a second, but then it was all over. They said he didn't feel the next half mile of spinning and flying and snapping and crushing. They said it hurt us more 'n it hurt him. I hope they were right. He didn't deserve that. Hardly anyone deserves that. But I can name some names.

I can't prove it, Detective, but I've got a theory. I think he planned it. No, not Mitch. Mitch liked lookin' at his own ass in the mirror too much to try to kill himself. No, I think Preston did this.

Who watches someone fall to their death like that and just... stands there? Who does that? It was like watching fuckin' Scar and Mufasa all over again. I wasn't watchin' them when it happened but I bet someone saw it. He kept poking Mitch with his ski pole to get him to go first, and I turned around to see what Lachlan was giggling at, and next thing I know, Mitch's playing fuckin' Wheel of Fortune down the mountainside with a broken snowboard. You tell me that doesn't look suspicious.

No, we weren't drunk. We had nothin'. Nada. We went out on the slope yesterday and everything was fine. We thought it'd just be a little icy today 'cause of the melt from yesterday. Everything looked fine. We even checked it out on the way up. Mitch was a little pissy 'cause everyone shot down his new business idea for our YouTube group last night but I don't think anyone was mad enough over it to try to kill him in cold blood.

No, Preston's just a jealous little fucker. Always gotta be Top Dog. Always gotta get his way. He's always lookin' for a way to one-up everyone and he has a hissy fit when he doesn't win. He's a sore loser and Mitch is... was just too competitive to back down from anything. Preston saw the opportunity and he took it. I bet Vik thinks the same thing. He does, doesn't he? I knew it. I didn't think he'd say anything.

And Lachlan never pays attention to nothin', so he doesn't count. I bet you fifty bucks he was laughing at his phone or his fuckin' camera when I turned to look at him. He never sees anything in the real world, just on his precious screens. He could be a witness, though. And he could have evidence on his camera. Did you ask him what happened? You hafta ask him. Swear you'll ask him.

That just leaves Rob. And I don't really give a shit what Rob says. You can send him down the mountain with Preston for all I care. If he was any more of Preston's bitch, he'd never stand up and pull it outta himself. I know he's taking his side. He always does. Fuckers deserve each other. Fuck. Rob.

Pffft. Why do you think I'm angry? Who wouldn't be angry?! My best friend's dead! And that goofy little motherfucker mighta killed him but no one's gonna do anything about it! I'm beyond angry - I'm full-blown pissed! But that doesn't really matter, does it? 'Cause no one believes me, not even my so-called friends.

I never told him. I didn't get a chance. I... You never realize what you've got 'til it's gone. He nuked paradise and put up a fuckin' parking lot, or however that song goes. I didn't know how he'd take it, or if he'd ever talk to me again. Guess I don't hafta worry about that anymore, do I? I thought I had time... to think it all through, ya know? Now I have all the time in the world because... because he's never coming back.

You know what I really hate? That fuckin' Minecraft parody he did. The one about moondust. I can't get it outta my head. Just, even the snow fits, the way it was flying all through the air like gravity wasn't even a thing anymore. 'But there's nothing that I can do, except bury my...' all of this. It's over. There's nothing I can do.

It's gonna be so lonely down in Florida. Sunlight has never been so depressing. The house is gonna be so empty now. It's full of his shit, but he's the only one who'd want any of that crap. Nooch can have it, I don't care. I don't want it. I'd rather have Mitch.