Crack Attack: A Collection of One-Shots and Other Disturbing Shit

The King's Door (Crazy Craft)

            "Lachlan, what in the bloody hell is taking so long?" I can still hear him rustling farther up in the tree, tiny broken shards of diamond raining down onto the ground that is entirely too far away for my comfort. Old habits die hard, I guess. Jerome and Mitch are nowhere to be found, and they weren't too keen on helping us raid the King to begin with. I'd be surprised if they were still here. They're just going to expect me to duplicate everything for them, I know it. Not big surprise. I look up and I'm still staring at the filthy, grass-stained sole of his shoe. "Lachlan. We need to go. Now!"

"F-iiiine. Scaredy cat."

"You've got two of each, right? Pass one of each down to me, that way if one of us gets caught, it wasn't all for naught." I only need one block of anything to supply the server with everything we could possibly need. Sometimes I wonder if this convenience is a good thing; it fosters lazy dependence and it feels like a group project back in the school from hell I supposedly escaped from. Little royal violet and ruby red blocks fall from the sky and I quickly stuff them into my enchanted bottomless pocket, hoping I'll be able to find all of these things later. "Perfect. Now let's get the hell out of here before we get merc'd."

Lachlan nods and scrambles back down from the upper branch, nearly losing his footing on the slick, smooth gold blocks lining the area between the branches. We try to scale back down the way we came up but, of course, certain unnamed people with no foresight carved chunks out of those ores. Now it's a ten-block drop, and I'm not willing to take that chance with Lachlan tagging along behind me.

Some people take fall damage.

"We have to turn back. We can't go down this way." Lachlan's sleepy blue eyes bore into my soul, his lazy arse dreaming of the makeshift beanbag he made out of leather and seeds, surrounded by Mat's intricate web of sequenced note blocks to simulate his bass-boosted bedroom back home. I wouldn't mind having my phone and some headphones about now, to be honest. The lack of technology is killing us all slowly. We're now officially slow life. Plus, now that Little Lachy is trailing around behind me, I've devolved into Slowpoke, bro... It's a shame he and Mitch don't have any useful abilities to add to the team.

Wait, when did I start looking down on humans?

I used to be one. I still technically am one, aren't I? I still look like one, anyway.

"I think we might be able to go this way...?"

"Way to be reassuring, Vik." I shrug him off and he sighs, staring down toward the ground around the glossy, grass-green emerald blocks. There is a narrow winding staircase of gold blocks spiralling down the trunk of the Goodness Tree. Only a few misplaced stairs to worry about, and we could always just mine those out of the way. Lachlan takes the lead, shining Ultimate Pickaxe leaving rainbows streaking through the air behind his swings. It's a shame I couldn't just generate two EnderPearls and get us out of here. Unfortunately, like all of the good things in life and all broken OP things on this server, it has a cooldown. I'd also prefer to not have the others find out about my little secret - they would be asking for free Pearls, just like they ask for everything else. They don't mine for anything; why would they when they can just get it from me? They don't grind for anything, either; why would they when they can just coerce Rob into spawning duplicator trees for them? I feel used, like the only reason they even care to keep me around is-

"Vik... don't move." He flattens himself against the Tree and I follow suit, morbidly curious as to what kind of horrid creature he found for us today. Why does he always feel the need to adopt these terrible things and store them down the road from my house? Metallic white flesh is slithering along the quartz ballroom hundreds of blocks below us, only a misstep away from two different types of doom. I hope the others made it out of here and are cursing our stupidity in the overworld. They were right: we should have left the upper layers for another day. This was much too risky.