Crack Attack: A Collection of One-Shots and Other Disturbing Shit

Blue (Crazy Craft; Noochless-ish)

A whole new level of crack. A one-shot set in "The Flower King" universe. Very loosely based off of the "Rabbit Song" by Boy & Bear.

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His secret's out. He showed them his true form, even though he swore he never would. And it looks like they're okay with him. Even Lachlan got over it. Eventually. More than anything else, Rob was afraid that Preston wouldn't like him anymore, and wouldn't that just be a crying shame? Rob doesn't know what real desire feels like. It feels like hunger. Deep, insatiable hunger that nothing can satisfy. Nothing but him.

Yeah, I have a weakness for Rob the waffle-eating flower mob. Of course he's cute with his huge brown-green eyes and his derpy grin, but it's more than just that - his people taste so good. I've seen his actual body before, and it's a whole other kind of delicious. His leaves look smooth, shiny, and juicy, like freshly watered butter lettuce. And his flowers look so soft and sweet, like sugary silk. And he looks like he hasn't been pruned in a while. I just want to take a big bite out of him. I want to drain some of his sap and drizzle it over a plate of Woofless salad, with freshly picked rosebuds sprinkled on top. I'm making myself drool now. I wonder if eating all of that syrup made him sweeter. I can already taste his sugary lifeblood and I can feel the gentle tickle of his petals on my tongue. Maybe I can trim his roots a little and dry them out for a snack later on. Every pixel of him is irresistible.

It's a shame he'd never let me prune him. Flower mobs are very touchy when it comes to their overgrown limbs, and he definitely wouldn't let someone like me do it. No, he would ask his precious lava mob to do it. He trusts him more than he trusts me, even though we've known each other longer. He's so paranoid that he won't even let me touch his leaves.

If a flower mob won't let a kara mob touch him just because he's a kara mob, is that grounds to sue for discrimination? To be fair, our species were enemies for hundreds of thousands of autosaves and my people usually hunt flower mobs for sport... and eat them for dinner... while they're still alive... but he can't hold that against me, right? I'm a nice guy. I've watered him a couple of times. I've cooked him some steaks and ground him some bonemeal. Most importantly, I didn't tell anyone his secret after I walked in on him photosynthesizing in the glass room at the top of his house. Why doesn't he trust me after that? I just want to help him out and trim a couple of his branches off and eat them. That doesn't sound so bad, right?

I slide my helmet and gloves off and set them aside on the floor next to my bed and stare out the window at the woods rustling in the distance. I wonder if he would still live up in the northern forest if Mitch and I hadn't found him that day. Mitch thought he was a humanoid like him, wandering around in the snowy woods by himself, covered in leaves with no clothes in sight. I took one look at him and knew what he really was - I could even smell it on him. He knew about me, too, as soon as he caught my scent. He took off running, but of course Mitch caught him. It's hard to lose track of a three-hundred kilo flower mob. No wonder the poor sucker can't parkour.

I search through my bag and pull out a handful of fresh carrots I'd stolen from Kweh Corp's farms today, running my claws through my whiskers to clean away the dirt and dust before I start eating. My ears slowly rise up against the wall behind my bed, reclining against the cool wood as they work out all of the cramps. I hate having to stuff them down in that helmet every day, but who knows where I would be without it? People like me... we aren't treated kindly by most other Crafters. We prey on flower mobs, yeah, but pretty much everything else preys on us, Baccas and Chocobos included. I don't want to end up on a stick by the end of the week, thank you very much.

Those sticks, though. I could make so many things out of his branches and trunk. He made his bow out of one of his own branches, and he left the thorns on it so no one would try to steal it from him. He's been slowly working his way up to a Power V bow, but I guess you can only cut off so many of your own limbs at a time. Lucky for him, they grow back.

That's what I don't get: why won't he let me trim off a couple of his branches and roots? Isn't it healthy for him to do that? Doesn't it help him grow better? He'd feel healthier, and I'd get a new bow and a few meals out of it. Maybe I should invite him around for dinner tomorrow and see how things go from there.

Maybe if I got him another present, he would trust me more.

But is he still that naïve?

It was Mitch who eventually persuaded him to come back to spawn with us. He didn't trust me at all. He wouldn't even walk in front of me for about thirty suntimes. I had to fix Choco's redstone machines in his factory to trade for enough blue wool to make that hoodie for him, but it was so worth. I'll never forget the look on his face when he saw the color blue for the first time. There aren't a lot of blue things in nature, and there's just something about that color that makes his brain go haywire. If it hadn't been for me showing him blue, he probably would have just gone back to his dirt home in the forest. So shouldn't he have to repay me for helping him become 'human'?

I would take such good care of him, if he would let me. I could make a redstone lamp that would make light for him all day and night so he would never have to eat anything but sunlight, bonemeal, and waffles ever again. I just want a few of his leaves every now and then, maybe a flower or two. He could spread his seeds all over the savanna biome outside and I could live off of the flowers and grass. His oxygen for my CO2, my inventions for his organic matter, maybe some seed to go around. Could it get any better than that?

We could make a good life together if he could just look past Preston and his glowing, flaming, crackling skin. Isn't Rob afraid he'd get burned? He could die if he got set on fire, or if Preston persuaded him to live with him in the Nether. He would lose so much of his biomass if he respawned. All of that hard-earned growth, gone. Compared to what Preston could do, why is he so scared of a pair of sheers? I wouldn't even use my teeth!

I'm not asking him to give Preston up - he could still have him, as long as he doesn't do it here. I have my six mates, so he could have a few others, too. We're both polyamorous species that usually end up with several thousand offspring in a lifespan. There's nothing wrong with him exchanging pollen with Preston if they're both into that. Everyone likes to have their stamens rubbed, am I right? As long as Preston keeps their kids at his house, everything would work out just peachy. I won't even eat any of their hatchlings. Sounds like a pretty good deal to me. So, what can I do to-

It finally clicks.

That's it.

Blue.

I toss the half-gnawed carrot aside and sprint downstairs on all fours, searching the chests for the rest of the blue pickles from my last mining expedition. No flower mob can resist freshly hardened clay or sunlight, and Rob in particular can't resist the color blue. If I make him a blue clay photosynthesis room with a redstone-powered glowstone lamp big enough to cover the ceiling, how will he be able to turn me down? It'll be the perfect farm. He'll grow so fast even he won't believe it.

This flower mob is going to be mine. He belongs to me, and I'll take care of him better than a filthy, flaming lava mob could. Preston can have his 'Poofless' as long as he comes home for me to prune every night.

Fuck you, Preston.