Crack Attack: A Collection of One-Shots and Other Disturbing Shit

Aceti Spaghetti (Merome)

            "AAAAAAAALRIGHT EVERYBODY! It's Jerome here along with Alex, and welcome back... to prank wars!" Mitch thinks he's the only one who can make nasty shit. I'mma show him what nasty really looks and tastes like. Dondo awkwardly backs up against the coathangers screwed into the wall and tries to get a better shot. Doesn't look like it worked. He's gonna have fun editing this shit later. Whole buncha goddamn fun. "And today we're gonna be makin' Mitch something that's been passed down through the Aceti family from generation to generation... for generations! Yeah! So let's see what we got here." I open the lid to the washing machine and pull out the box of cheap ass Walgreens noodles and the monster-sized glass jar of red sauce and mega pack of sketchy fuckin' hamburger worms - extra meaty, just the way he likes it. "We're gonna make us some Aceti Spaghetti!"

"Jerome, I uh... for the record, I still don't think this is a good idea."

"Come on, Dondo! What's the worst that can happen?" He stands there awkwardly and just stares at the ingredients like he's never seen a bad idea before.

"Do you want the short list, or the long?" Screw you, then.

"Make sure to hit that like button and click the bell right next to the 'Subscribe' button to get notifications every time I post a new video or go live. And we go live two or three times every day on this channel so come join the Bacca Slurpin' Army today and leave a comment down below for more ideas for our prank war. 'Cause after this you know it's gonna be a war. Isn't that right, Alex?"

"I just want everybody to know this wasn't my idea and I'm being held here against my will." That Dondo Burger gets him every time, salty little fuck.

"But he also went out and bought all the stuff so... yeah! This's kinda all his fault!"

"No, it's not!"

"I mean, you can cry about it, bud, but even the King can't pardon himself." He snickers as dark ass thoughts slide through his evil little brain and I know the camera mic won't pick it up. If I didn't make him talk, it'd be like he's never even there. "So let's see... first thing's first: the noodleskidoodles. We're just gonna put these right... in... here... after we make a strainer out of it." I fish the two plastic gallon bags and the kiddie scissors outta the bottom of the washer and fold it over to cut a couple little holes in the sides of the bags. That should keep most of 'em in there for a while. "Perfectamundo. And here come the noodles." I rip open the cardboard box just like a raving, rabid Bac should and I grab 'em and split 'em between the two bags. Probably shoulda done three or four bags, but I ain't eating it so it's not my problem. "Now let's see what else we got in here..." I start pulling the socks, shirts, shorts, tighty whities, and a certain white-goo-streaked harness I make sure is hidden in the undies and I toss it all in a big pile on the floor where the whole internet can see it. There's a little bit of everyone's shit in there.

"Did you just take the food out of there?"

"Yeah. Where'd you think I got it from? The eighth dimension?"

"Jerome, that's disgusting even for you."

"Why thank you, Your Highness. You're makin' me blush over here." I drop the baggies of s'ghetti in the big metal drum, grab the hidden bottle of vegetable oil from the cabinet and drizzle it in the little dusty soap holder nobody ever uses and shut the lid. "We want warm water and short cycle and BOOM! There we go!" The water starts pouring in and I point for Alex to get a good shot of the shitshow about to go down in there. I wonder what's gonna be in the noodles when I pull 'em out. Fuzz, strings, crumbs, probably a buncha pubes, a couple dead bugs we didn't know were livin' in the clothes. Maybe Lachlan's hopes and dreams. I bet there's Chipotle rice in there somewhere, too, since he bathes in that shit every time he comes around. I'll just take his noodles out and pop 'em in a plastic container and stick 'em in the fridge and wait for him to come around behind me and eat the shit I cooked, just like he always does. It's a prank and a life lesson all in one. Nooch'd be proud.