Crack Attack: A Collection of One-Shots and Other Disturbing Shit

Going Deeper (Crazy Craft; Poofless)

This is the second part in the "Toy Land" miniseries.

Warning: If you try to avoid sexually explicit content, this chapter is not for you. You might want to rethink your decision to come here in the first place.
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"Somehow, I don't think this is a good idea," I laugh nervously as I sit back on my calves and look around defensively. I know I have to spread my mass over a wider surface area in order to move on this squishy mess of a planet, but crawling on my hands and knees doesn't seem like a great plan in this dimension unless you're looking for a pollen donor. The creature creeping over in our direction proves my point perfectly.

"You gotta do what you gotta do, dude. I'm not gonna make fun of you for walking around with your butt up in the air like an ocelot. At least not right now." I look up at him and he looks like he is being serious. I don't know what to do with this man seventy-five percent of the time. Out of everyone I could have been stuck with in this dimension, it had to be Preston the overly-innocent lava mob. Apparently, his species doesn't breed like most of the Overworld species do, and I had to explain to him why a bright red leech was trying to latch onto his crotch and help him pull it off. He is going to get both of us killed here, or worse.

"I don't care what I look like. I'm just worried about that." I point to the slick, oily, purple mob trying to sneak up on us from behind and I try to stand up on my feet again, only to sink back down past my ankles and fall over on my ass. I can't walk like a humanoid here – this is costing us too much time.

"What are those?" Preston asks as the mob creeps closer and it starts sprouting tentacles out of its sides. I see that it has little buds hanging off of the ends of the tentacles, but it isn't until it's only a few blocks away that I realize what they are.

"Preston... Get away from that thing."

"But what are those? I think I saw one of those before over at Nooch's house." I turn and look at him as he draws his sword and he shrugs at me. "Maybe. I dunno. What are those?"

"Those are called dildos, Preston. Did you say Nooch had one?"

"Yeah. I think so. What's it for?"

"You don't want to know."

"Tell me or I'll feed you to it." He puts his foot on my back and threatens to kick me over to the tentacled dildo monster. He would get a laugh out of that, wouldn't he? He is such an asshole sometimes, but I somehow love him anyway. I think he feels the same way but he won't admit it; why else would he only act like this around me? "Tell me, Rob. I mean it."

"Why don't you go over and see? You might like it," I laugh and he just snorts and kicks me in the leg before he pulls his foot away. I knew he wouldn't do it, at least not before he knew what it did. If he finds out, that's when I have to be afraid.

"You think I'm just gonna stroll on over to some strange mob and ask it to do magical things to me and probably eat me? How dumb do you think I am?" The monster is within the reach of his sword now and Preston starts swinging at it, trying to slice through its rubbery limbs while its sparkly, purple dildos flail wildly. "Can you stop and just... let... me... kill you? Just let me kill you, dude. It won't even take that long. Come here. Let me kill you." He says it so calmly that it's almost like he's trying to have a pleasant conversation with it. How many things has he killed since his Creation?

"I don't think you can sweet-talk it, bro. I don't think it wants to die."

"Shut the fudge up. Of course it wants to die. Why else would it-" He goes silent as the monster wraps a thick, greasy tentacle around his left leg and pulls him forward so that he falls on the ground. I carefully start moving around to the side so I can try to kill it without getting myself in the same boat. It seems too preoccupied with Preston to care about me. "What are ya...? No. No. No! I said, no! Nuh! Nuh-um! UNGH!" I turn and see that it has thrown his sword five blocks away and now has both of his arms bound with a big, floppy tentacle stuffed in his mouth.