Crack Attack: A Collection of One-Shots and Other Disturbing Shit

Toy Land (Crazy Craft; Poofless)

Warning: This chapter and its sequels are not for innocents or anyone who tries to avoid sexually explicit content. This chapter is very loosely based on the song "Go Back" by Approaching Nirvana (see above).
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"I think something is following us," Rob whispers as he peers behind us in the cave with a torch in his hand. How the frick can he hold a torch when his whole body's ultra-flammable? Dumb flower mob. First time he trips he's gonna scream like a siren and call everything in the cave to come get us. Then he'll have a whole lot more than an imaginary Creeper to worry about. "Preston, stop for a second. Can't you hear it?"

    "All I hear is a big, whiny baby who's gonna be doin' all the mining by himself from now on if he doesn't shut it soon."

    "But Preston-"

    "No!"

    "I know I heard something."

    "Eat a shut-it-sicle and get back to work! We're down here to mine and I'm the only one mining!" He crosses his arms and does his trying-to-be-sassy face, and all I can do is watch how close the torch gets to his shoulder. Dumb pleb's gonna set himself on fire and there's no water down here. Why's he gotta do this to me?

    "I found the cave and Vik found the duplicator trees, which I am going to have to somehow talk into growing on your Nether-temperature lawn. The least you could do is come down here with me." I roll my eyes at him and he does that crooked grin he thinks is so cute.

    "You know I'm not gonna be in this dimension forever, right? I'm just here until I can come up with something good enough to get my dad to let me come back home."

    "I thought you hated The Goodness."

    "I do. The Goodness is stupid."

    "Why are you trying to do something 'good,' then?" I turn and punch him in the arm and the little squeaky laugh he does just makes my day. He better hope he never comes to visit me in the Nether when I get to go back home 'cause I'm gonna spawn kill him so hard just to hear the sound effects. He's like one of Jerome's freaking squeak toys.

    "Do you want me to kill you and send ya back to your blue flower pot? I know Nooch'd be happy to see you." He cringes and checks behind us again when I mention his kidnapper's name. Why's he so paranoid?

    "I hate that fucking flower pot."

    "Then behave yourself and stop bein' weird." He just looks at me with his big brown eyes like a Creeper and I turn and keep walking. We hafta get more out of this than a couple ruby ores and he's not helping. We walk for a couple minutes in silence before I hear him kick a rock behind us. He's gonna have all the mobs in existence after us if he doesn't learn how to walk like a humanoid.

    "Preston... There's something down here with us."

    "No, there's not."

    "Yes, there is!"

    "Then kill it! Prove it!"

    "Whenever I turn around, I see it disappear. I don't think I can kill something I can't see."

    "Then shut it and keep walkin'. Maybe it'll get bored if you don't let it troll you." He sighs but keeps following me. We only go a couple more blocks before I feel something hard poke me in the side and I spin around to smack him one. But he's mining something back where we were standing before. Sneaky sucker's poking me with his vines and he doesn't think I know it. "Hey, come here."

    "What is it?"

    "Come here, Robert." He just looks at me but he knows he's in trouble. He stands upright and gets ready to run, like he can outrun me. "I said, come here."

    "What did I do?"

    "You know what you did! Keep your green, leafy, flowery nonsense to yourself and stop touchin' my-" Something long and hard hits me from behind and I spin around and see it really wasn't Rob. It's a huge stone angel statue wearing a mask and chains and handcuffs and carrying a long obsidian whip. It looks like it's screaming in agony, like it's on fire or something. "What the frick are you?!"

    "That's a whipping angel. Preston, we really need to get out of here. If you let it grab you, it will teleport you somewhere and do who knows what to you. This must have been what was following us."

    "Can't we just kill it and keep mining?" Rob glares at me as he slowly backs away.

    "Sometimes it's better not to kill everything in sight, bro. Do you want it to call more?"

    "You don't know it'll do that."

    "We know zombies can communicate, so why would...? Preston, don't!" I unsheathe my sword and run at the demon angel to merc it, but its whip's way, way faster. Before I know it, I'm laying on something soft and fluffy while I curl in on myself to make the stinging stop. The freakin' thing whipped me right on the inside of my right thigh and it burns like someone just sprayed water on it. A couple seconds later, there's another loud crack and I hear a familiar squeak next to me and the fluffy surface starts bouncing. Rob musta got whipped, too. "Damn it, Preston. Why did you do that?!"

    "I thought I could kill it."

    "With an iron sword? You thought that you could kill a stone-and-obsidian monster with an iron sword? Are you fucking kidding me, bro?" he groans as he rubs at a sore spot on his lower back and stands up shakily. Guess it liked me better. I can still barely move. "Holy hell. Where are we?" I slowly turn my head to look around and I can't believe what I'm seeing. The ground is a thick, squishy, feathery, fuzzy pillow thing painted rainbow colors and it feels like a waterbed whenever something moves on it. There's a really inappropriately-shaped cave over in the distance and it looks like it leads really deep in the mountain and I can already see a huge chunk of uranium ore shining right inside the peaked entrance. But I really, really don't wanna go in there. There's some kinda tree-looking tongue thing a few blocks away from us that keeps wiggling back and forth and trying to taste us and I just wanna get outta here and pretend this never happened.

    "Where'd it send us?" I ask in a voice much higher than I'd planned. He reaches over to grab my hand to help me up but I just swat him away. I don't need help from a derpy Overlander.

    "I think we just found a new dimension." I awkwardly get to my feet and try to regain my balance on the jiggly, puffy surface. I hafta be careful not to set anything on fire – this place'd go up so fast and we wouldn't even be able to see through the smoke. Rob tries to walk a few blocks to get away from the tongue tree but he just stumbles and falls over. His feet sink so deep in the pillow ground he can barely move. It's easy to forget how heavy he is when he just looks like a humanoid. We might hafta cut off some of his hidden branches and roots and stuff before we can get out of here, and judging by the look on his face he knows it, too. I actually kinda feel sorry for him. He spent like three autosave cycles growing it all out after Nooch went psycho on him with a chainsaw.

    "Whaddaya think we should call it?" He sits down on his knees and looks up at me in confusion while the tongue tree flickers at us and makes the ground vibrate.

    "Well, I would call the whole trip 'horrifying'."

    "No, that's not what I mean. What should we call this dimension?"

    "You can call it whatever you want. I just want to get the hell out of here. I just want to go back." He tries to get up again and he just falls over and lays there, staring up at the bright pink sky in annoyance.

    "Going off the stuff that lives here, I say we call it 'Toy Land'." He turns and looks at me in disbelief and just sighs. The tongue tree flaps around wildly and tries to reach over and lick me. At least someone likes my ideas.