Crack Attack: A Collection of One-Shots and Other Disturbing Shit

Pulling Out (Crazy Craft; Poofless)

 The final part in the "Toy Land" mini series. This chapter is not for anyone who tries to avoid sexually explicit content.
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"AHHH!" I duck back into the slimy entrance to the cave as I wipe the heavy goo off the top of my head. It crackles and smokes from my high temperature but I can't tell what the burned stench smells like. It just smells burned. I didn't see it was raining out here because it's so dark. But even if I'd been able to see it, I wouldn't've known it was gonna be raining this. I turn around and wipe a big smear of the brown stuff across his petals and he just looks at me in resignation like a total pleb. As long as I don't set him on fire or chop parts of his body off, I don't think he cares what I do to him. "Taste it and tell me what it is."

"I'm not eating your mystery goop, man."

"Fudge you." I wipe more of it on his leaves and he flutters them to try to get 'em away from me. There's plenty more where that came from if he's not gonna cooperate. "Eat it, Robert."

"Preston, I am not going to eat that! It looks like actual shit. Pres-ton! Stop!"

"Just eat it so we can see if we can leave or not. The worm's gonna be here to spray us in a second, and lemme tell ya, that doesn't taste good." His many, many sad-looking eyes all blink at me blankly before he sends out a vine to keep me from rubbing more brown paste on him. "Eat it."

"You eat it."

"No, you eat it."

"I'm not going to eat that."

"You're a freakin' omnivore! You eat literally everything, including whole trees and chunks of dirt! Whaddaya think the dirt's made out of? Eat it, Robert." I try to burn his big, dumb vine through the sleeves of my shirt and he just shoves me out on my butt in the gooey brown rain. I'm gonna get him for that.

"How does it taste, bro?" he laughs as he tries to scrape the slime off his weirdly soft petals and wipes it on the walls of the cave. There's a big splotch of it running down the side of my face and I unhappily stick my tongue out to test it. It's sweet and bitter and milky and it makes my mouth water. I've never been so happy to see chocolate in my whole life. But he doesn't need to know that.

"Tastes like crap. Here. Have some." I scoop up a handful of partway solid goo from a fluffy puddle on the ground and chuck it at him like a snowball. His vines and branches all weave really weird to try to dodge it and he somehow gets outta the way in time. I grab another handful and throw it even harder, then another and another and another. Eventually he can't move fast enough and it smacks right into the side of his head and he makes a pitiful groan. "How them apples?"

"They taste like chocolate. I could have told you that as soon it hit you on the head." He does a creepy, toothy grin and slinks out after me, sticking his roots down in the puddles of melted chocolate so he can eat while he walks. What a frickin' weirdo.

"Fudge you."

"Fudge me, bro." I yank on one of the leaves around what I guess'd be his neck and he giggles awkwardly. If I knew he wouldn't try to bite me again, I could sit here and play him like an instrument with all his dumb noises. As good as the chocolate tastes, having orange-sized, squishy clods being thrown at you from the sky kinda hurts and I don't wanna get completely caked in it. I already don't know how I'm gonna get it off and I don't need to get more on me. I head over to the tongue forest to take cover away from the angry red dildo worm in the cave, and I look back and see Rob walking with his giant mouth wide open while he walks, the eyes around the bottom of his mouth watching where he's going. What am I gonna do about this guy and his landfill of a stomach? Talk about the freaking munchies. He eats like forty thousand calories a day, plus whole animals and a butt ton of syrup. What's he gonna do when he gets even bigger and needs even more food? How's he gonna transform when he gets that big? Is that when flower mobs get mean and start killing people, or is it weird he doesn't do that already? He can't even have a job as a flower mob. There's a loud squelch as an extra big glob lands on the ground next to me and I walk even faster. Last thing I need is for him to decide to eat a chocolate-covered lava mob.