Crack Attack: A Collection of One-Shots and Other Disturbing Shit

Paparazzi (The Pack)

Trigger Warning: If you have any triggers whatsoever, please don't read this. This one-shot is based loosely on the song "Paparazzi" by Lady Gaga. (See above.)

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Lachlan

It seemed so harmless. It was kind of nice, actually, always having thousands of fans in your corner to cheer you on and turn a shitty day into the best day you've ever had. Can't really complain, I guess - the other guys got it worse than me. No one takes the dangers of having a fandom seriously until it bites you right in the balls. I honestly didn't think too much of it at the time, and I thought it was just some crazy fangirl who got up one day and decided to pull a prank on poor Little Lachy. It was annoying as hell - it still is! Look at it! - but it could've been worse.

I was at MineCon with the Pack and we were signing things and taking pictures at a meet-up in a public park, and I thought it was just a regular day. You know, just a normal, everyday kind of day. Without psycho stalkers. So we'd been there for about three hours and I'd signed about a hundred things and taken about a thousand selfies and my hand felt like it was going to fall off any time now. I just wanted to head back to the hotel room and order room service and get away from the crowds and Jerome's damn yelling every three seconds. I wasn't really paying attention anymore.

She walked up to me with her long, black hair blowing in the breeze with dark brown eyes and make-up like... what's her name? Oh, yeah. Dur. Her eyeliner was like Meghan Trainor's, with the long drawn-on eyelashes. She was beautiful. She was wearing light blue jeans and a custom-made Pixelmon t-shirt with me and my Pidgeot on it. It was awesome and I told her that and she just blushed and giggled and handed me this scrapbook thing to sign. I flipped through it a little bit and... we'll just say she was a very good, very imaginative fan artist. Some of her pictures of me were really... detailed. We'll leave it at that. So I finish signing and hand her her R-rated book back and she asks me to take a selfie with her and I say yeah, and right after the camera flashes, I hear something swoosh by my face, like metal on metal, and she takes off running like a maniac with her hair billowing behind her like a cloud.

I thought she was just some weirdo hex maniac like in Pokemon Y until Preston looked over and started pointing at me like the jackass he is. So, naturally, everyone else turns and stares at me and starts taking pictures and posting them on Twitter. I pull out my phone and use the camera to look at myself. When I wasn't looking, she had pulled out a pair of scissors and just... hacked my bangs off. Like, two-centimeters-long hacked it off. And she took off with the hair.

Who the fuck does something like that?

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Vik

I saw what happened to Lachlan last month at MineCon and I started being more careful about meet-ups and that sort of thing. I was hoping it was one of those one-off situations where someone did something crazy and everyone else just sort of let it go after a while. It looks like Lachlan's barber started some kind of fan war for the mentally insane. Although, in hindsight, I should be grateful that they got me out of the way early, whoever they are; things just escalated after my misshap. With a little luck, they won't bother to stop by for another round.

I went out to buy another gaming keyboard last Saturday - I fell asleep on another one and broke the spacebar off while I tossed and turned and clicked on random YouTube videos. It caused some odd dreams, let me tell you. Someday, I'm going to learn to use the bed next to my desk for something other than a snack bar. Anyway, I was at the GAME store I always go to because it's close to the house and it's never busy, and when I came back out with my supplies, I noticed there was this big gouge in the side of my brand new car. My brand fucking new Aston Martin. Some genius took a rock from the landscaping and carved a misspelled tweet into the side of my brand new car, and they left their Twitter handle.