Crack Attack: A Collection of One-Shots and Other Disturbing Shit

The Thirteen Half-Truths of Noochism

Before we begin our first lesson in Noochism, please note that I do not personally endorse these beliefs or advocate anarchy as a lifestyle. Please don't try to sue me; just keep it all in your head. Based on characterization of Nooch from "Video Love."

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Have you ever wondered about the true meaning of life? Have you ever been this close to victory and just been shut down by The Man or some asshole in a Lotus? Have the mainstream religions failed to help you achieve your deepest desires or guide you through temptation? Classical Noochism just might be able to solve your problems, with a reasonable margin of error and/or moderate level of fuckery.

Join thousands of Noochists today and together, we will fulfill our prime directive!

Now available on the Fap Store for only 99 cents. Additional free lessons are uploaded daily on YouTube for subscribers.

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I. Rules are relative and they only control you if you let them. Break the rules - they always grow back.

II. Have fun and live a little, but use physical harm only when absolutely necessary - sometimes those things don't grow back. Plus, it just pisses people off and gives them evidence to use against you.

III. The Bourgeoisie own everything and they control your ideas and what you can do through propaganda and laws.

IV. The Bourgeoisie's laws exist either:

To keep you from having the stuff they have amassed.

Or

To keep you from enjoying something because they can't have it.

V. If no one will miss it, or if it is easy for someone to replace, you can have it.

VI. If someone has it but you need it more (and you are able to take it from them), you can have it.

VII. Not everyone gets a blue ribbon or a golden crown; wealth is superficial, but prestige and honor have to be earned.

VIII. Anything in the world can be paid for in cash, drugs, sex, alcohol, junk food, chocolate milk, or some combination of these. Sin is a valid form of currency in every country in the world.

IX. Everybody is out to help themselves, not to help you. Relationships and social contracts exist only while they are profitable and convenient.

X. All dichotomies are false and everything exists on a spectrum: good/evil, right/wrong, female/male, cute/ugly, etc. Nothing is pure or simple.

XI. If they won't talk about it when they're drunk, they're hiding something.

XII. If they only talk about it when they're drunk, they're in denial.

XIII. Everybody is equal until they do something stupid - then they're less equal.

XIV. When in doubt, get it on camera.

XV. The cake is always a lie, especially at Rob's place.

XVI. Fuck you, Preston.