Crack Attack: A Collection of One-Shots and Other Disturbing Shit

My Chicken Strip (Crazy Craft; Birome)

"AH AH AH AH AH AH AHHHHH!!!"

"Shhhhh! He's gonna hear your loud ass!"

"Eeep?" A big, shiny black eye squints up at me and the screaming finally stops. I look over at the base and I don't see him anywhere. I hope to hell he didn't hear all that moanin'. I wait to see if he's gonna come check outside but nothing happens.

"Okay, let's go home. You got a new home now and I'm not gonna make you go back to that scary ass dick juice dimension. Yeah, you're gonna like it here. Lookit all these trees and none of 'em try to eat ya here." Its beak clicks a couple times and its rainbow striped head swivels around to check where the goo monsters are. Only goo monster here's Preston and you can smell his brimstone-scented ass from a hundred blocks away. I don't get how the hell he ever places in UHCs. Can't hide that shit with bedrock.

Speaking of which... I bring the heavy ass bird back up to my face and take another big whiff.

Yep. Definitely ranch-worthy. This's a good one.

"You ready to go for a ride? You wanna come home with me?"

"Ahhhhhh..."

"Good. Now hang on." I put my arm next to my shoulder so it can climb back up and I can get our asses up the tree before Mitch smells what we're cookin'. This's my chicken strip.

Sharp claws dig in my shoulder even through all the fur when I start scaling the mega tree next to the base. Now that I think about it, probably not the best idea. He's gonna hear us out here and get all pissy about it. Guess we're gonna go troll for a new tree to play around in. The bird doesn't give a shit and just hangs on for dear life. Best thing about non-humanoid mobs's they don't give a single shit about anything in the whole damn universe unless there's food involved. No drama, no secrets, no work, no rules. It's times like this when I wish I never left the fucking jungle biome. I mean, I die less here, but where's the fun in sittin' in one place doin' chores and kissing ass all the time? And not kissin' ass in the good way, either.

I stop in the middle o' the forest, at least two hundred blocks away from our base. If he can still hear it from here, that's his damn problem. I let the fluffy cock 'n tail crawl down my arm and sit on a branch and it stares up at me like it doesn't get why I brought it to this bland ass world. I wonder how long it'll last here before it dies of boredom and respawns back home. Hope I make it worth all the trouble.

"Now you gotta stay here, got it? I'll be right back in a couple minutes, 'kay?" I bob my head up and down and the bird mimics me even though I'm pretty sure it doesn't understand and probably wouldn't give a shit if it did. I half expect it to be long gone before I get back. I hand it another golden apple and it grabs it in its scaly dinosaur claw and starts nomming on it like it's never seen food before. Guess I'll be doin' a whole lotta mining soon. Better be worth it to hear Mitch's bitching.

I fly through the trees like a lovebird and creep in the house to the fridge. I don't see Mitch anywhere. Bet he's out doing boring ass shit in a mine somewhere. No time for that now. I grab the bottle o' ranch and I'm peacin' outta this shithole. Back up the tree and back halfway to the other side of the world and my chicken strip's still waiting there for me.

"AHHHH!!!" It looks all happy. Everyone likes ranch.

"That's a good birb. Good birb. You want the ranch?" The claw reaches up for it and I hand it the lid after I shake up the bottle real good. It licks the residue off the lid and watches me rip my clothes off like it doesn't get why I have 'em in the first place. I don't get it, either. The beady black eye looks down at its new perch and when I sit on the branch next to it, it knows what to do. Little razor sharp dagger claws dance back and forth on my branch and damn that bird's heavy. "Oh, fuck."

"AH AH AH AH AH FUCK!!!" Bird's a fast learner. Wonder how many times it's done this before. Bet it's never seen anything like this before. I tip the bottle of ranch and give it a good ol' squeeze right over the chicken strip's head and it flaps around in the ranch rain, still dancin' on Pinocchio's nose. He's trying to lie himself outta something and it doesn't look like it's gonna work anytime soon.

With a loud plop, lunch is ready. The cock 'n tail gets a good grip and stops dancin' so my tongue'll reach it and I start cleaning the ranch off. It's eyes are closed and its weird little tongue's flappin' around, drinking all the gooey goodness it can reach. Damn, that bird's salty. Little pin feathers keep gettin' stuck in my teeth and I hafta pull 'em out and throw 'em off the tree. It's like a little rainbow falling from the sky below the tree. And the bird's a lot skinnier than it looked before the ranch. I hope that's just because it's all wet and not because I just pulled all its feathers out... It puffs up in a big soggy rainbow ball and starts dancing back and forth again. That's the good stuff. That's why we're here.

"You wanna play a game, friendarino?" No answer. "You wanna go 'ah ah ah'?"

"AH AH AH AH AHAHAHAHAHAH!!!"

"That's what I thought. Come here a second." I let it crawl back up my arm and put it on the higher branch from before and I get a good grip on the branch behind it so I don't fall and impale myself on shit down on the ground. It leans forward and lifts its tail up and it's ready for lift-off. It can only take the tip but that's all we need. That's more than enough. "Ohhhhh..."

"AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHHHHHHH!!!" It bobs up and down with me and we dance together in the tree until it's the saltiest bird this world's ever seen. It's dark out before we're ready to make the trip back to base and it can't even scream anymore. Guess we both had fun. We coast back through the trees the whole way home and I stash it in the tree fort so Mitch won't see it and try to take it back home. I think I might get away with it until I come back to the tree with another shiny gold apple, then it hits me.

My chicken strip still smells like ranch.