Crack Attack: A Collection of One-Shots and Other Disturbing Shit

Posh Life (Crazy Craft; The Pack)

Trigger Warning: If you have any triggers, please skip this chapter. Better yet, skip this entire book. You really shouldn't be here, any of you.

This one-shot is loosely based on the song "Diablo" by Approaching Nirvana (see above).

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Jerome:

Goddammit, Mitch. You tell me to come all the way down here and grind out diamonds to waste at Pete's casino, but you barely give me any torches. Fuck it. I'm not goin' all the way back up there to punch down trees and all the way back down here to keep trollin'. Not gonna happen. Ain't no one got time for that. Now I've got no torches and it's deep and dark like Mitch's fuckin' black hole stomach and there's nothing I can do. There's a Creeper stompin' around somewhere over on the right. I can smell the gunpowder. And I can hear something slosh through a puddle of water up ahead. It's just not safe for a Bac to be down here all alone-like. I hope you're happy when I die, you lazy ass.

I feel my way along the wall and step in the little stream I heard earlier, then everything starts to sound weird. I must've found the end of the tunnel. I run my hand over the sides of the cave, trying to find the smooth, shiny surface of diamond, or even the uneven sides of emerald. Hell, I'd take iron at this point.

There's nothing here.

I sigh and start walking the other way along the wall to see if the cave branches off somewhere else. Then the palm of my hand brushes against something soft. And fluffy. And furry. What could be down here that's-

"AHHH! SHIT!" I pull my hand away from the tiny, razor-sharp teeth and book it outta there. Where there's one bat, there's always like fifty more. Just ask Lachlan. Fuck the diamonds, man. Mitch can find his own fuckin' diamonds. I'll rob Rob's house if he needs 'em that fucking bad.

At least Rob won't bite me. I think.

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Mitch:

Bright. Move. Hurt.

What's taking him so long? Mining trips always take forever, but five days have passed and Jerome still hasn't come back from the mines. He's been gone longer than this before, but never down in a mine. He hates mines, so what could be taking this long? I know he can take care of himself like a big Bacca... But this is Jerome we're talking about. Can he honestly be expected to take care of himself for this long? I really don't want to go ask Vikk for help finding him, not after what happened with Nati and the villager farm last week. Lachlan would just die over and over again from Creepers, and I won't bother asking Rob because he always gets distracted and lost. I could ask Preston to go with me... Yet again, I don't have anything I can bribe him with, and lava mobs never do anything for free, unless Rob is involved. It looks like I'll be on my own for this one.

I head downstairs to the storage room and start packing supplies, noting with a groan that Jerome took all of the torches and all of the coal with him on his expedition. Why didn't he take wood so he could mine coal as he went? He left me with nothing to work with here. I grab my sword with a sigh and head out toward the community mines that he always bitches about. It looks like sending him out on his own wasn't such a great idea after all. I should've made him do the fishing while I mined. At least he can't do too much damage with a broken fishing pole.

Would it have been that hard to just make a strip mine under our base, Jerome? Why do you always have to make things a thousand times more difficult than they have to be? You would've found the same number of diamonds in a fifth of the amount of time if you would've just been smart about it, but no. You always have to be the stubborn one. Damn it, Jerome.