Crack Attack: A Collection of One-Shots and Other Disturbing Shit

King George III (Chipotlan; Merome)

Another misplaced chapter of "Her." The actual book would be about forty chapters long now if I actually posted these where they should be...

"Yo, Mitch." No response. Of course not. Why would he be awake at eleven in the morning? And why the fuck would he listen to me? I know he's been hiding from me all morning 'cause he's lazing around on the scratchy, sun-rotted lounger in the backyard like he needs to fry his skin any more. Pretty soon it's gonna fall off of him in big, nasty chunks. Like Spam but spicier. "Mitch. Pssst. I got something to show ya." Still nothin'. Well, he's asking for it now. I back away from the sleeping beast and bring my arm back and chuck the object of my affection at him. He snorts but he doesn't even jump when it hits him, just pulling up his sunglasses to look down at it and over at me instead.

"What do you want, dood? Can't anyone just chill out around here anymore? Jeez." He snatches the plastic Godzilla roach before I can get it back from him and he tosses it over in the pool with a loud plop like the asshat he is. I stand there with my mouth hanging open in horror at his complete disregard for Our One True King.

"I'll have you know, Mitch, that was King George the Third. You just killed King George the Third. How dare you."

"Well, you should have known I'm prone to regicide. What are you doing out in the sunlight, O Holy Ghost?"

"I want ya to go save him!"

"I'm not getting in that filthy fucking pool to rescue a fake bug, Jerome. I know you have King George the One-Thousand-Five-Hundred-Sixty-Ninth sitting on your bed right now. Until J.C. cleans that shitpool and replaces the filters, I'm not going anywhere near it." He's got a point but my big ass roach is still drifting back and forth across the bottom like a giant turd. Pool guy's not gonna like that, not one bit.

"But M-iiiiitch."

"Why don't you go get him? Hell knows you could use a nice, long bath - the fucking neighbors can smell you." He doesn't have a problem sleeping with it. Can't be that bad. I pretend to start stripping my shirt off for him and he just raises his eyebrows and slides his shades back on.

"Fuck you. You wanna hear the plan or not?"

"There's a plan? I thought you just dug a mega roach out of your ass for the fun of it."

"Ha, ha. I'll let you know if you're ever fuckin' funny. So here's the plan," I say as I perch on the edge of the lounger next to him and dig another shiny roach outta my pocket. He doesn't seem surprised. "In about half an hour, we're gonna have the four cringiest fuckin' things all under one roof: a Radroach, a burrito, an Aussie, and a webcam. You in?" I see the eerily evil grin spread across his face and a couple seconds later, I'm pulling him up off his lazy ass to come join me. Damn, his hand is hot. Guess sunlight does that to a guy. "Let's go get some cheeken."

---

I carefully unwrap and unroll the chicken burrito and scrape the mound of beans off to the side, stopping to marvel at how much they look like big, greasy rat turds as I wipe the bean juice and guacamole off of my hand and onto a bent-up napkin. I slide the roach right in the middle of the bean galaxy in the middle of the burrito so he'll hafta eat some of it no matter which end he starts with. I scoop the wet, slimy filling back in the middle and gently refold the tortilla and rewrap the foil around it, putting it lovingly back in the bag next to Lachy's bag of chips and two containers of green healthy Flubber shit.

"Plan's a go. Bet's online. You said twenty on fifteen minutes or more, right?"

"Yepperoonie. Do you think he just sits there and eats this shit? You and I both know he plays with his food, if you know what I mean." I smile and my eyes never leave his as I dig out my wallet and toss a bill on the desk. He glances down at it and back up at me. "That was a five, Jerome." I throw another one and he checks it again. "And that was a one. You have to be a baller to make it rain, dood. It isn't enough to just suck balls for singles."