Crack Attack: A Collection of One-Shots and Other Disturbing Shit

Milkshake (Noochocolate)

Warning: If you don't like sexually explicit stories, or if you're a smut virgin, this is not the crack fic for you. Please close your browser as fast as you can and delete all of the history you've ever made.

This is a one-shot based loosely on the song "Milkshake" by Kelis.

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Finally! How long does it take for someone to make a fucking sandwich? Well, yet again, this is Mitch we're talking about, so it was probably a stack of sandwiches. But he's finally done!

I wait for him to wander back to his office to finish up his editing before I get up off of the window seat and creep out of the empty sunroom at the front of the house and get to work. I find the blender and clean it out while I wait to see if he is coming back. My bare nipples are hard already. After a couple of minutes of silence, I slide out of my swim trunks and throw them over in the corner by the toaster, sighing at the newfound freedom. Who knew it would be so hard to leave home for a week? No, it's literally hard. It hurts.

I grab the big plastic gallon of milk from the fridge and the chocolate syrup, but there has to be something else. Jerome always hoards candy. He has to have some chocolate. I rustle through the cupboards and I almost give up hope when I see it up on the top shelf: a fresh, unopened chocolate Easter bunny. It was meant to be.

I quickly undress the sugary confection and wrap my lips around the ears, savoring the sweet, cool drug filling my mouth. I feel its sticky juices flowing down my chin before I remember what I came here to do - I need my chocolate milk.

The maddening sweetness overwhelms me and calls my lonely cock back to life as I pour half of the gallon of milk in the blender. I squirt some syrup down into my mouth before I add a huge swirl of it to the pitcher. A small stream of syrup missed my mouth and is now dripping down the side of my face and down my neck. I add a long line down my chest and rub it in while I continue sucking on the hard, solid chocolate bunny. I grab the lid of the blender and click it in place, preparing myself for the sugary reward only seconds away.

Wait. I almost forgot something. I snap the body off of the bunny and drop it into the blender with a splash before I carefully replace the lid and plug the cord into the wall. Every crunch and snap sends another jolt through my body and down my pole as the sweet treat gets closer and closer. The head slowly melts in my mouth until it collapses from my persistent sucking. I swallow the thick, creamy liquid with a gentle moan that echoes in the empty hallways of the Merome house.

When the blender finishes crunching its way through the mutilated bunny, I turn it off and unplug it before tossing the lid in the sink. I grab the whole pitcher of chocolate milk and take a long drink, and all of my senses are immediately overwhelmed. I need to hold it in just a little longer. This is sweet, sweet heaven.

I turn around to head outside to the sunny patio at the back of the house, and what do I find but a Bacca in a snapback cap with his arms crossed and a comically big frown on his stubbly face.

"Dammit, Mat. Again?" Jerome mutters as he starts putting the ingredients away with his nose wrinkled. "Did you really hafta do this in the kitchen of all places?" He's just jealous that chocolate isn't his soulmate.

"Hey, don't hate on the choco-la-teh. Feel free to join me, if you want."

"Fuck no."

"Suit yourself." I turn and walk through the back door and out onto the toasty warm patio to finish what I started; this milkshake isn't perfect yet, but it will be worth every cavity.