Crack Attack: A Collection of One-Shots and Other Disturbing Shit

Günter (Woofless)

"Ive been looking for someone like you" Rob whispers seductivly in the short mans ear. "You know I like older men." A shiver run down his spine as he rubs Gunters soft fur against his thRobbing

"Nope! Nope!" I minimize the window before I can accidentally read any farther and my hands reflexively fly up to cover my eyes, just in case I misclicked. I should not have clicked on the link on that Tweet. I should have listened to Lachlan and steered away from anything with 'WattPad' in the URL. Jeez, it burns. I never want to picture Jay's dick rubbing on me or anything I own ever, ever again. I need to find something else that is equally horrifying to get rid of the mental image of my brother and me humping a stuffed penguin during a Minecraft livestream. I open a separate tab and I start surfing through the recommended videos on my personal YouTube account. There has to be something here, somewhere.

"Are you ready yet?" I jump at the sound of his voice and I quickly take my headset off and put it aside. His eyes narrow and he cocks his head to the side, searching for something in my face. "What were you looking at, Rob?"

"Nothing. I was looking at nothing." He sees through my fake smile and he comes to stand behind my chair, looking suspiciously at the paused video of people having explosive diarrhea mishaps that Preston the Child had sent me last week. The revulsion therapy had been working until Jay walked in and reminded me of the disaster I've been trying to forget. He looks around the rest of my screen and his eyes widen comically, then he reaches for the mouse. I turn to see where the cursor is going, expecting him to click on one of the Vine collections in the related videos list when I see that I had left the tab with the story open. I lunge for the mouse, but that just makes him click faster and become more invested in seeing what was on there. I facepalm audibly while his eyes scan the screen, my face burning hotter and hotter with every passing second.

"Rob, why in the hell were you reading this? Are you-"

"No! One of my fans sent it to me on Twitter. I thought it was something else." He looks amused, but sick at the same time. Did he just speed read the entire thing?

"What did you think it was? I can't think of anything in the world that would lead you to 'accidentally' click on something like this." He crosses his arms and gives me that knowing older brother look that makes me just want to slug him in the shoulder. Maybe Preston is a bad influence, after all.

"My friend Choco said that he had found some really amazing How to Minecraft spin-off stories, and this had so many likes and retweets that I thought this might be one of them. I didn't think I was going to click on softcore gay porn. And incest."

"You are a horrible liar. There wasn't a single mention of Minecraft in that story, or any other kind of video game. They were talking about the mouse, but-"

"Jay, I don't want to hear about it. I stopped reading it for a reason. The livestream and video titles both explicitly said 'Minecraft with My Brother.' I don't know where they got this boyfriend shit from." I rub at my eyes again while he chuckles. I can't imagine how red my face is right now; I probably look like I've been bawling. I hear him sit down in the other computer chair, then I feel something fuzzy and soft brush up against my cheek, moving gently up and down. "Fuck you, man."

"Only in the fan fiction, little bro. Maybe if you ask 'Papa Woof'-"

"Do you want me to throw your ass out of my apartment?" I look up at him to see that he's holding the stuffed Günter that Preston had bought me for my birthday a couple of years ago, and he is slowly rubbing the penguin's fluffy crotch against my face. I can't remember why I missed this guy – six months and thousands of kilometers suddenly doesn't feel like enough space. "Are you kidding me right now?"

"I think his name is 'Gunther,' not 'Günter'. La, la-la-la, la-la-la." When I just look at him, he sighs and reaches over to type something into the YouTube search bar. "You'll know the song when you hear it." I frown while the video loads and the fifteen-second advertisement for car speakers plays, and when the first few notes start, I instantly regret inviting him to livestream with me today. Hell, I regret getting out of bed this morning. "Keep your ding-ding-dong away from the keyboard if you want me to play with you again. Minecraft, I mean."

"Not even Minecraft, bro. We can't even play Minecraft." We both laugh and he stands up and sets Günter the Perverted Penguin upright in his chair, rubbing his hands together like Dad always does.

"We're late for our dinner date, Robert." I pause and I can't help but groan at the thought of anyone seeing us dressed up in a fancy restaurant together.

"I'm tempted to take pictures and post them on Instagram, but I'm terrified of what will come out of it."

"It's Rule 34 – you act like you've never been on the internet before. Are you that socially deprived?" he jokes as he slips into his jacket and leaves me alone in my office with the fluffy, dead-eyed sex toy. The poor thing saw more action with Preston than he deserved; I can't let the abuse continue. Maybe that's why he is such a miscreant. I sigh and slowly follow Jay to the front door, knowing that I am about to face a night full of Minecraft Creeper sex jokes and questions about the Poofless spam that had repeatedly filled up the stream chat.

"I guess I am. Ooh, my fucking eyes hurt."

"Poor wittle baby Robbie." He smirks and canters out into the hallway leading to the elevator, and I can't stop myself from thinking that I'd tap that if he wasn't my brother.