Crack Attack: A Collection of One-Shots and Other Disturbing Shit

Heave-Ho (Mitch; Jerome)

Incident #1:

"It's already like a bajillion goddamn degrees outside and I'm fryin' like a fucking egg on the sidewalk. You really thought this was a good idea? For real?" He wipes more drops of salty sweat off of his forehead and all I can do is grin and bear it.

"We're here, dood. Just chill the fuck out."

"With what?!? The fuckin' antifreeze?!? And who the fuck's that?!?" I pull over against the curb about ten feet back from the moving truck and the older lady with the wavy white hair takes her hands off of her hips and stops staring at the metric tons of shit being team lifted into the house. She scurries over to the passenger side window as fast as her swollen ankles and faded purple house slippers will carry her. I get out of the car to meet her, but Jerome recoils from the window and just sits there. His inner demon senses something terrible in her. As soon as I see her face up close, so do I.

"Hi, I'm Mitch."

"You can't park here."

"We live next door. We'll move as soon as the truck leaves."

"This is my house." She points back behind her at the vine-lined, obsessively kept one-storey behind her. "You can't park here."

"Where should we park, then? That's a fire lane," I point across the street, "and our driveway is blocked."

"I said you can't park here."

"Come on, Mitch," Jerome moans from his shady seat inside the car, wanting me to pick a fight with my neighbor already. Somehow, he still wonders how he got evicted from his last apartment. He snorts out his nose and awkwardly climbs over the center console and out my door while Cat Lady and I both watch. Damn it, Jerome.

"Hi." He almost falls when he pulls his legs out from under him and he runs in the house to find Ryan so he can take over conducting the shit train. When he disappears, her glasses flash at me again and I know I'm going to be moving my car.

"Is there parking on the other side?"

"I don't know but you can't park here. I'm expecting company." Yeah, fucking right. We've been here two minutes and it's already turning into a nightmare.

"Alright-y, then." I slide back in my car and back my car up in front of her other neighbor's house, just centimeters away from the edge of her lawn. She still looks like she wants to say something, but she doesn't. I'm not in front of her house anymore. Jerome's head is thrown back on the front porch and I hope a fucking dragonfly lands in his mouth. I turn my car off, walk right past our new best friend and her better-than-thou squinty eyes, and head past the Bitchy Bacca to see what kind of damage Batman did before we got here. I hope she enjoys watching us walk back and forth in front of her house all day now.

"You two have fun makin' out over there?"

"Don't get my ass evicted already, dood. Let's just keep peace in the neighborhood a little bit longer."

"You own the goddamn house! How's she gonna get you evicted?!?"

"We're part of a homeowner's association and they'll kick my ass out if we get too many complaints." I see his eyebrows shoot up and I walk over and playfully grab the front of his shirt. "That isn't a challenge for you to see what you can get away with, either."

"Awwww..."

"I mean it, Jerome. If you do something fucking stupid and we get a fine for it, you're paying it."