Crack Attack: A Collection of One-Shots and Other Disturbing Shit

The Flower King (Crazy Craft; The Pack)

The first of three crack fics written to celebrate Halloween. If you need more crack to go with your candy corn, this story goes well with "Tiptoe Through the Tulips" by Tiny Tim (see above).

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Just one more stretch, Rob. You can do it, man. I know you aren't cut out for this kind of thing, but everyone is counting on you and Mitch is like two checkpoints behind you. Everyone is watching and it's all up to you to win it for the team. You are going to win this time. You can do it.

You are halfway through it now.

Just five more blocks.

Four.

Three.

Two.

As usual, I jump too soon and I miss the second-to-last block, my heart falling faster than my body as I rocket downward and out of the world. I see Mitch entering the final stretch of the parkour map above me, and I instantly know that I lost, again. I lost it for the team, again. They are going to be so pissed at me now... I almost wish that I wouldn't respawn here. I would rather be sent back home, away from these guys.

I materialize up at the end platform when Mitch crosses the last pressure plate, sending bundles of rainbow fireworks shooting up into the air. I will be seeing some fireworks soon, too. While Vik and Jerome congratulate Mitch on his unlikely victory over the-two-parkour-masters-plus-Rob, I turn and face an annoyed lava mob and a livid human. Lachlan looks like he could punch a tree into sticks right now.

"Robert... What in the bloody fuck was that?" the blonde asks just a little too calmly and I stand my ground, waiting for his usual rant to start. He has already been in a bad mood all day, and this isn't going to help with that.

"I tried, man. I really tried. You know how much I suck at parkour and-" He waves his hands emphatically while he shakes his head, his jaw clenched and his face getting redder by the second.

"That was absolutely pathetic! Did you forget how to jump? We finished like five minutes ago and here you come, hum-dee-dum, derpity-derp like it's some kind of fucking game!"

"Lachlan, it IS a game. It's supposed to be fun. Didn't you-"

"That wasn't fucking fun! It's not fun if you never fucking win! And we never win when we get stuck with you every fucking time! God dammit, Rob!"

"Bro, I tried. You know I suck. Take Mitch next time. We are both equally bad so-"

"No, you aren't equally bad! At least Mitch is good at PVP!" Okay, now that stings. Who does he think he is? I beat his ass at hardcore PVP eight out of eight times, and yet he has the gall to say that to me?

"Excuse me?"

"Hey, Lachlan. Lachlan! Lay off, dude. You don't wanna..." Preston interrupts, but the Australian just brushes him off and steps closer, pointing his finger only pixels away from my face while he yells at the lava mob.

"You fuck off, too! The only way to win anything in this group is to be on your team, Preston, and you team with this idiot because you pity him! Do you hear that, Rob? He's only your friend because he pities your sorry ass! You aren't even good at building, and that's like the only fucking thing you can do!"

"Lachlan..." Preston mutters, tapping him on the shoulder and trying to get him to stop. Is he just doing it because he feels sorry for me like Lachlan says, or does he know the truth and he is trying to warn him? How could he know? No, he must just be feeling sorry for me again, like always.