Crack Attack: A Collection of One-Shots and Other Disturbing Shit

Vitas (Poofless)

The song in this chapter is "7th Element" by Vitas (see above). This story is entirely Woofless's fault.

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"Ooh ha-ha, ooh ha-ha, ooh ha-ha! Bloohahaha!" I can't see him but I can hear him doing it again in the front room. That freaking song. I hate that freaking song. Whoever sent him that freaking Vitas song is gonna freaking die a horrible freaking fiery death. I caught him naked watching it in bed at like eight o'clock this morning and now it's six o'clock at night and he's still going. It goes silent again for like thirty seconds, then... "Ooh ha-ha, ooh ha-ha, ooh ha-ha! Bloohahaha!"

"Rob! Stop!"

"No!" he screeches with his high-pitched whiny voice and I know he's doing that stupid dance on the other side of the condo. If he breaks my chair, he's gonna go out in the rain and buy me a new one. Freaking Rob and his stupid, crappy tongue song. He shuts up for like five minutes straight and I think he's finally over it when I hear it louder than before. "Ooh ha-ha, ooh ha-ha, ooh ha-ha! Bloohahaha!" That's it. I'm done.

I shove my rolly chair back and leave the editing go. I hafta end this. Now. I sneak down the hallway and creep up behind him, watching him wiggle back and forth like a big dumb kid in his spinny chair. He's waiting for a hoard of Blazes to spawn in his base on Cosmic and he's doing the motorbike revving hands like a total spaz. I walk up and smack the left headphone off his head and he recoils and looks up at me with his big ol' brown puppy eyes and a crooked frown like I just broke his bloohahaha.

"Freakin' stop it, dude. You're worse than Lachlan when he hums his theme song on the plane." He blinks at me and adjusts his headphones and starts killing Blazes. I go over and start making a mocha cappuccino with peppermint syrup for myself but I screw it up halfway through and now there's no foam on top. Great. I think about asking him if he wants it so I can try again when I catch him bobbing his head back and forth to that creepy frickin' song again. Never mind. You get nothing, you jobless pleb. I grab my coffee and head down the hallway to my office and shut the door so I can record some Micro Battles without his insane shrieking in the background.

It's so peaceful in here. Just the sound of my voice and the whirring of the fan in my computer and the sound of stabbing people's hit boxes through the headphones. The nightmare of Rob's bouncing and squealing and tongue-flicking thankfully blocked outta my mind. I spend an hour recording and drinking my flat but sugary coffee, all in peace. My webcam's turned off so I don't notice him tiptoe in behind me like a Creeper. I jump when I feel his breath on the side of my neck and I accidentally backhand him across the side of his face. Not like it does any good.

"Chug 'em, chug 'em, chug 'em, chug 'em, bedroom. Whooooaoaoaoa! Chug 'em, chug 'em, chug 'em, chug 'em, beeeeed-room."

"Dad gommit, Robert! Are you ever gonna stop?"

"Open shawl don't and you fish new. Ooh ha-ha, ooh ha-ha, ooh ha-ha! Bloooohahaha!" He smirks at me and runs out of my office, like he can hide from me in my own condo. I almost run past him hiding in the corner by the door in the bedroom, pretending to be a wall again. Is he drunk? What the heck's wrong with him that he keeps doin' this over and over and over and over again?

"No. You get back here, Rob. You're gonna stop it or-" He steps forward and grabs me and drags me over to the bed and throws me down. I glare up at him and his dumb prickly face and he makes a toothy grin with pursed lips. This man and his creeper faces. "Whaddaya want from me?"

"You know what I want." We stare at each other for a few seconds before he ducks down and presses our lips together in a sloppy kiss. Leave him to be the most adorable creep in the universe.

"Are you done now?"

"Are you?"

"Yeah. I'm fudging done with you today." He makes a fake crying face and plops down on his butt and I shove him off the bed and walk back to my office. Good thing I didn't make him any coffee or he'd be even more wound up than he already is. He needs to get his pills adjusted, the dumb derp. I sit down and start editing the footage from the rounds of Micro Battles and I hear him creep up behind me again. "What now?"

"I'm sorry, Preston." I look over at him and I don't trust the sneaky look on his face. He thinks just 'cause he smiles I'll believe him. I'm not that gullible, dude. I just look at him and he leans in and puts a line of scratchy kisses from my forehead down my nose and ends on my lips. I bite him for being annoying all day and he makes a little yelp and pushes me back in my chair and pulls my headphones off and puts them on the desk. He tries to slide his tongue in my mouth and I bite him harder. He gives in and lets me take over his mouth. I grab his head and pull him closer so he's bent awkwardly in half and balanced half on my lap, half off. We battle it out for a few minutes, thrusting our tongues against each other and clawing at each other's faces and gently nipping at lips and tongues and clicking our teeth together. We should do this somewhere else... with more room... and less weird angles...

"Bloohahaha!" I shove him away in the chest and he slams into the printer and almost knocks it off the table.

"Fudging stop it, Robert!" He laughs and leans forward with his hands on his knees and his butt jutted out towards the door. I glare at him while I wipe the line of warm drool off the side of my face from his stupid tongue flicking. He watches me and keeps giggling while he dries the tears outta his eyes. I huff and turn back to my computer monitors to finish my editing so I can upload it while we run out and get dinner. Unlike him, I have a job. "Freakin' cactus."

"Love you, too, babe."

"Fudge you."

"Anytime, Princess."