When I come home, Cara isn't there yet. I wonder if she forgot our dinner plan for tonight. I wanted to call her but I decided against it. She didn't get a lot of time to hang out with her friends, so I don't want to disturb her. So what I do instead is wait, while thinking about the events of today. Today's news haven't caused quite a stir among my circle of friends, since they're not into this celebrities gossips kind of thing. And I'm eternally grateful for that. Even though I don't want to hide or lie about our relationship, I'm not ready yet to have my friends know about this. Deep down, I'm still afraid that everything'd fell apart and I would be left with nothing but shame. Always being the one who got left behind. And it would be particularly bad if I got dumped publicly by famous person like Cara. God, no. I don't think I would've survived it.
I pour myself a glass of red wine and sit on the balcony of my apartmen, looking at the passersby below me. I like to watch people. I like to guess their story, only judged by their looks or expression. By knowing how to read a person, it helps me gain some meaningful insights on what kind of building which people would be most comfortable at. It helps me to give some meaning and life into the structures of my building, helping it to shapes people's lives in the future. That's what matters the most anyway. I don't want to create some lifeless pretty buildings. I want to create memories, making something that would mattered to the people inside and around it. And when I'm thinking about it, it's almost funny how I've been so concerned about other people's lives and memories, I forgot to make my own. Before Cara, it was pretty flat. What all I had was my works and a couple of close friends. There was no love inside my life. Not until she came along and changed everything.
And now she changed everything again. My somewhat peaceful life is turning upside down and I can't decide whether I like it or not. People says that the only constant thing in life is the change itself. I can't help but comparing my own life with a forgotten historical building. It's starting to lose its purpose, becoming less and less relevant to the people inside it. But it's too familiar and meaningful to be taken down. It is stuck in time, unable to go forward. Not until we change it a little bit, renovating its facade, its layout and putting a whole lot of new activities into it. But we have to be careful about it, since too many changes would made it lost its own identity, the one where all of the memories rest. Now Cara's changing me, would I change too much and lose my identity somewhere along the way?
As I'm contemplating about my life and how it collides with Cara's, the night is slowly creeping in. The moon is high on the night sky. There is no stars above, unable to compete with New York city lights. I laugh bitterly as I find some relevancy between my situation with the night's stars. I would never be able to compete with all of the shining stars in Cara's life. Not from here, in the middle of the concrete jungle of New York. Maybe from somewhere less unforgiving, like up in the mountain. If I have to retreat there, away from the spotlight in order to shine again, would Cara come with me?
*
"Hey, love. I'm sorry I'm late." She greets me with a kiss and I pull her closer, wanting for more. I missed her and this uncertainty about our relationship is killing me. I want to be sure, I want to feel her close again.
"So I take it that you've been missing me as well," she chuckles in between our kisses.
"You have no idea," I smile, my lips are merely an inch away from hers.
"I missed you too, baby. Kendall said hello."
"Yeah? How was your day? Had any fun?"
She laughs heartily and puts her feet on top of the coffee table. She pours herself a glass a wine and joins me in my lazy night in. "Probably more than I should have." She has this mischievous smile of hers, which is incredibly sexy. She winks at me, before taking a sip.
"Ooo," I wag my finger in a mocking disapproval. "Should I be worried?"
"Maybe," she says. Then she moves away from me to avoid my incoming tickles on her belly. She laughs again, almost spilling her wine onto my carpet.
"I read some websites today, babe." My heart is beating faster as I try to open the conversation.
"So you did." The look on her face shows her concerns. "I'm sorry, love. I'll try to do something about that later. I haven't contacted my publicist yet."
"Well, it's okay. At least now they knew." I smile and snuggle closer against her warm delicious body. "Now I can be with you wherever and however I want."
After I said that, Cara's starting to look uncomfortable. She plays with her wine glass for a while before finally speaks again.
"Jess, sweetie. I think we should keep this relationship away from public for a while." She looks at me, almost apologetically.
"What do you mean? It is already there, on the headlines of every gossip websites."
"I thought that I could make something up and deny it." She could barely look into my eyes while she said it.
"How can you undo that? We were caught while we were kissing, Cara."
"Well, it wouldn't be easy, no. But there's always a way. My publicist would handle this. After all its not like it is the first case that she should handle."
Her words hit me like a sledgehammer, right on the heart. I swallow my disappointments and try to reveal my emotion. *So this is not your first case, huh? Should have seen it coming.*
"And why do you think that we should do that?"
"Oh, it's not like what you think, love." She rushes to my side and strokes my back soothingly. "I just don't want to put more pressure into our relationship. It's already hard enough to maintain a long distance relationship, without the rest of the world knows about it too."
Even though I know that she's right, I can't hide my disappointment any longer. I finally snap. "So, how long do you want to hide me?"
"Oh, Jess. Please don't think about this whole situation that way."
"I'm sorry, but it's actually kind of funny. Because later today, I was prepared to tell the whole world that you're mine. But apparently, we're not ready for it."
"Of course I'm yours, love. But nobody has to know beside us."
"Sounds a whole damn lot like an affair to me, Cara." She opens her mouth again, trying to explain. But I continue.
"No, it's okay. I get it. They said that I'm not good enough for you. Don't know what the hell I'm going to do about that. Especially now, when you decided to lie about us." I give her a sad smile, which makes her face darkened with guilt. "I really don't want to believe them, but now I'm starting to. Well, maybe it's for the best. I wouldn't be able to stand the embarrassment if you changed your mind later. But if you ask me, what all I want to do is to tell them that you're mine. But actually you're not, technically."
***
Hey! Thank you all for reading my story. I really appreciate it. Anyway, get ready for some major plot twist for the next chapter, guys. It's going to be shaky from here.
