I didn't say anything right away. I can't say that I was surprised by her words. But still, her words hit me hard. She was right. It is the most logical thing do. Leave the cheating bastard. But this is the matter of heart. There is almost no logic here. The only thing that makes sense is that we should stay together, no matter what. No matter how terrible I've been to Jess lately. And how bad I've hurt her. She can't just leave me. I refuse to believe that this is going to end.
"Jess, love. Please don't do this to us." I wrap my arms around her midsection, begging her to stay. "Give me a second chance. Please," I look up and find tears in her eyes, "don't leave me, love."
"No," she shrugs me off. She takes a step back and points her finger at me. "You're the one who did this to us! You're the one who's breaking my heart right now."
"And now you're breaking mine."
"I'm just trying to save myself from more pain of loving you. It just hurt so damn much, Cara."
She takes a step closer toward the door, but stops there. Her whole body's tense, wanting to get out from here, eager for her bittersweet escape. But I know what her heart feels. I bet she doesn't want to leave as much as I want her to stay. I know that my foolish action has probably destroyed our relationship, but not our feelings. She still loves me. That's why she's still here. She gives me this long intense look, as if trying to remember every details of my face. I hate that look. It's like she doesn't believe that she's going to see me again. Like this could be the very last time she would see me.
"Don't go, love. I know that you don't want to either. That's why you still here. Listen to your heart."
"Well, I've been listening to it for the last nine months and look where it got me," she says bitterly.
"Right where you're supppose to be," I finish her sentence. "With me. Madly in love with me."
Her shoulder shakes when a sob comes out of her. She's crying again. The sight of her, completely in agony because of me, makes me cry too. In shame, because I put so much pain into a person who I love the most in this whole damn world. In regret, because all I want to do is turn back time and slap some sense into my foolish past self. There's no such thing as what she doesn't know won't hurt her. Because it will hurt her, sooner or later. What goes around comes back around, or so they said.
"And what good it would be? It didn't stop you from fucking other girls than me. As much as I do love you, I don't want to share, Cara." She smiles sadly at me.
"But, you do have my heart, Jess. Don't ever doubt that." I exhale heavily, desperate to make her understand, that I might not survive if she left me.
"I can't believe you again, not after this." She shakes her head slowly, her eyes are closed to contain all of the pain inside.
"Please, Jess. Can't we just work this out together? Fix it. Make us whole again?"
"What do you propose, Cara? Would you agree if I want to fuck a stranger, just to make things even between us?"
Her eyes looks straight at me, challenging me. I feel a stab of pain in my chest when I picture Jess embracing with some faceless girl, kissing her, whispering words of love to her after they made love. And a wave of fear comes when I imagine the stranger turned into her lover, replacing me permanently from her heart. No, I can't agree to it. It would absolutely kill me.
"Got a taste of what I'm feeling right now, didn't you?" Her brown eyes find me when I finally open my eyes again, dismissing those horrifying thoughts from my mind. The gentleness in her gaze surprises me. After these horrible things I did to her, I can still see love through her eyes, even though it's hidden behind the sadness. And I'm letting her slip between my fingers now.
"Relax," she smirks at me. "I would've never do that to you."
I look down in shame, another stab from her words right into my heart. Then I hear footsteps, coming onto me, not walking away. When I look up to see what's going on, she surprises me by pulling me into her embrace. She holds me tight. Her embrace feels different somehow. It doesn't say 'I love you', but it says 'good bye'. It didn't last long, she pulls away and cradles my head with her gentle hands. She gives me the saddest smile I've ever seen. The she kisses me. One last kiss. And the bittersweet taste of it.
"Take a good care of yourself, Cara."
Then with that, she walks away. She's out of the door before I even got out of the spell of her kiss. She had left me. I sink into my sofa, still trying to deal with this disaster I got into. She's not coming back again. I can still feel her lips against mine. No more waking up to her, cuddling against me. I can still hear her unguarded laughs, see her bend over in laughter. No more midnight skype sessions. Gazing into her sleepy eyes, wondering what she's thinking. No more sweet kisses, which turned into a fiery one in a matter of seconds. Saying her name over and over again at night, insatiable, feeling almost invincible in her arms.
No more her.
I close my eyes and try to empty my mind, from anything that can hurt me. It's too unbearable for me to deal with this now. I can't. I just can't. Not when her scent is still lingering in my apartment. The last trace of the love that I just lost today. The last remnant of her soothing presence in my life. Then with that last thought in my head, I fall down on my knee. Grieving the other half of me who just walked out of my door.
"I love you, baby," she whispered into my ear, gently nibbling on it while she was there. She chuckled softly when she could feel me shiver from her touch. "And I'll love you still in the morning. Always. Good night, baby."
Goddamnit. I shake my head angrily, pushing the sweet memory out of my mind. Tears are starting to fall freely from my eyes. Will it ever stop? Now that she's not here to make things right again, will the pain ever stop someday?
"Shhh, come here," she took me into her arms, stroking my throbbing head. She murmurs soothingly, willing me to go back to sleep. Nightmare didn't seem that bad when she was there. "It's okay, baby. It's just a nightmare. Go back to sleep." She held my shaking body, molding our body together until it was a perfect fit. That's what she was, a perfect fit for me.
"What have I done?" I yell at the ceiling. I stand up and walk toward the kitchen. I pour a glass of whiskey and drink it all in one sip. I want to get hurt, so I can ease away this ache I have inside. I throw the empty glass against the wall. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck.
"Come back to bed, love," I said. She was getting ready for work, buttoning her shirt as she looked at me. Amusement danced in her eyes. "Haven't you get enough already last night, baby?" I grinned at her, rolling on the bed so I could be closer to her. I grab the hem of her shirt, pulling her back to bed. "Never, I'll never get enough of you." She closed the distance between us and bent her back to kiss me. I smiled contentedly against her soft lips. She always smells so good, especially after a shower. "Me too, baby. Me too." She kissed me again, the she pulled away. "I have to go now, but see you later tonight?"
She had always came back to me. No matter how far we were apart. She was my home, as I was to her. But it's over now. The best thing that have ever happened to me.
She's gone.
