I remembered the time when I found her sitting on the balcony, with a far away gaze on her eyes. I could tell that she was terribly drunk from the half drank vodka bottle on her hand. Her eyes were possibly the most expressive part of her whole being. Sometimes it was mischievous, loving or just plainly full with life. That time, it was empty. I approached her and took the bottle from her hand. I placed it on the floor and pulled up her chin so she would look into my eyes. "What's wrong, babe?" She didn't respond right away, instead she just looked into my eyes. "What do you see in me, Jess?" Her answer startled me. "Why are you asking me this, Cara? Tell me what's wrong." She dropped her hand to her sides, as lifeless as her eyes were. She faced me fully and let out a bitter laugh. "Look at me, Jess. I am a mess. You can do better than this." Then she dropped her gaze unto the floor. I dropped onto my knees and looked up to find her scared eyes. I smiled at her and touched her cheek gently. "But you are my mess. I love you."
Those steps that I took when I walked away from the dock, away from Cara, probably were the hardest steps that I've ever done. The memories attacked me the whole way as I tried to hold back my tears from falling. I didn't know how did I find the strength to walk away from Cara, but I did. Maybe it was because it didn't felt right, falling back into her arms when all we were still broken inside. She was right, I still loved her. So much. So much that it hurt. Those feelings made me afraid. I didn't want to get my heart broken again, so I gave up. That was the first sign that made me sure that I made the right decision to left her. If I didn't have the courage or the will to fight for us, then what's the point of trying anyway? But the thing that made me completely sure that we shouldn't get back together was she wasn't the only face I saw when she kissed me. Sure, the kiss was phenomenal. It always have with her. But half way, I saw Sophie's face, closing her eyes as she moved forward to kiss me. Then suddenly, everything felt different. My relationship with Cara wasn't the same after Sophie came in the picture. Would it be possible to love two person at the same time?
God, this shit is so confusing. If it doesn't feel that great to be in love, I would've gave it up entirely. But confusing or not, it makes me feel alive.
*
Okay, I take back my words. Walking away from Cara isn't the hardest thing that I did that night. When I arrived at my villa, the view that is waiting for me nearly breaks my heart. Sophie is waiting for me, for a long time I must say, judging by the pile of beer bottles on her feet. I click my tongue disapprovingly when I see the cigarette stubs all over the deck. I really hate it when she smokes. I hate the taste on her mouth, I hate what it's doing to her body. My disapproving sound makes Sophie aware of my presence. Sophie slowly rises from her seat and moves toward me. The look on her face tells everything that I need to know on whatever thoughts that she had as she waited for me here. Doubts. Sadness. It makes me feel terrible. That night I do not only manage to hurt Cara, but I hurt Sophie too. What a great girlfriend I am.
"You come back," she says breathlessly, as if she was almost sure that I wouldn't come back for her.
I open my mouth to answer her, but she doesn't give me the chance as she surges forward to claim my mouth with hers. It isn't the usual sweet kisses or even the passionate and fiery ones that we shared. It is something different. It is more aggressive and demanding. Like she wants to make sure that I am hers as well as she is mine. She kisses me like she needs it. And I've never felt more wanted than I am now. She grabs my hips with her hand possessively and presses our body together.
"You didn't expect me to come back," I whisper between our kisses.
"I didn't know what to expect from us," she admits, her eyes are searching into mine.
I kiss her again, putting both of my hands on the sides of her face. She groans into my mouth. "And now?"
"I'm not really sure. Do that again?"
I laugh and push her face away. She growls playfully and holds my escaping body in place with her strong hands on my hips. I squeal and squirm as she tickles me.
"You chose me." She bury her face on my neck and I love the feeling of it.
"Babe, the choice has already been made the moment when you kissed me on the beach."
*
Two updates to make up for the long pause between the updates. Happy Valentine's Day, everyone!
