The best thing that I've discovered after Jess left me to be with Sophie (ugh) is that life goes on, no matter what. Sure, it was hard at first. Everything seemed half beat off, like life had been robbed off its colors. I wasted my time by wondering how she's doing with her life and how was it possible to life her life normally without me in it. It was pathetic as hell. I moped around, listened to the saddest love songs, looking my life as this dull black and white movie with bad script and the worst possible ending. I went through all of the six stages of separation and survived to tell the tale.
At some point, Kendall came to my house while I was still on my bed, just staring at the ceiling while missing her. She didn't even bother to knock on my door and just barged into the room. She pulled the cover away from me and gave her best stern stare. I only tilted my head to the side to acknowledge her presence. I didn't even have the energy to argue with her intrusion to my morning mourning routine.
"Come on. Get up," she motioned her hand at me. "I am sick of seeing you moping around like this. I hate this pathetic mess version of you."
"Well, get used to it. This is the new me. Accept it, embrace it." I rolled off my back and stretched out my arm to reach my phone. "And this is my new best friend."
I pushed play and Adele's new song "All I Ask" was on. I closed my eyes as I listened to the heart wrenching song. Kendall let out a frustrated groan and I could tell that she was rolling her eyes at me. As Adele was starting to belt out the chorus, I spread my arms on the bed and joined her with my own awful rendition of the song. Kendall stayed silent while she let me have my moment. She sat on the edge of my bed and the corner of her mouth twitched while she tried to keep herself from smiling.
"What if I never love again," I ended the song with a long and meaningful sigh. That was my greatest fear, not being able to feel love as strong as I felt with Jess. I was afraid that she was The One. And there is nothing left from me out there after her.
"Are you done?" I nodded. "I'll do you a favor and tell you this," she put her hand on my shoulder, "don't ever do that in public, honey. Just don't."
I chuckled and pulled myself up into a seating position. "She really gets me, you know? This song speaks to me on so many levels. It touches me in here," I pressed my palm right over my chest.
"God," she rolled her eyes again. I was afraid that by dealing with my heartbreak, would did some serious damages to her eyes muscles. "Stop being such a drama queen. Go shower and get dressed. We're going to get you out of this house."
"And bare this epic mess for the whole world to see? Nuh-uh. Thanks, but no thanks."
"Look," she put her hand on my knee to get my full attention. "I get it, okay? Everything seems falling apart without her now. And it's totally normal to feel like this while your heart's breaking. But you're not going any better if you don't make any moves. Get out. Go to work. Socialize. Whatever it works to take your mind off of her."
"But I don't want to do that, okay?" I let out my frustration and my greatest fear. "If I made a move, then it would be it for us. Soon I would forget her and everything would seem to be normal, even when it's not. I don't want to this to end. Ever."
"She already moved on and there's nothing that you could do to make it any less true." She smiled sadly and touched my cheek gingerly. "And you'd never forget her. The best part of your story with her will always there for you. You'll only forget the pain and the loss. And only then, you'll be able to love again."
*
One day, I just woke up and found myself already numb from the pain. That's what we humans do, being just numb enough to live side by side with our pain. With the time passing, as Kendall promised, smile and laughter are becoming more natural to me. It's not just an act anymore. It's not hurt that much to see her on Sophie's side on awards and such. I've accepted it and live with it. However, the feeling's still there. She's still here, within my heart. I guess some people aren't meant to leave that easily.
