I can't, " Jess says.
It probably is the longest pause in my life. I do not know what to say. She doesn't know either. We just stand there in the deafening silence, only one step away from each other. Unable to move forward, while going back isn't easier either. I do not want to stop believing, but maybe this gap between us is the one that I can't ever cross. Her brown eyes glimmer with unshed tears. Those are mine. My mistakes. She said that she was happy before. Before I came back to her life. Am I supposed to stay there? In her past? I don't know what to think or what to do anymore. As improbable as it is, I still feel that deep down, she still loves me. I have to know. Then I can let her go.
"I am sorry, but I have to do this," I whisper softly.
I take a step and put both of my hands on he cheeks. My eyes are slowly closing as I slightly tilt my head to fit with hers. I can feel that Jess is holding her breath, waiting for magic to happen. She doesn't push me away, which I take as a good sign. I open my mouth and claim her soft lips. The first touch is gentle, almost hesistant. It is like we both are waiting for something to happen the second our lips touched. The feeling of her lips pressing against mine ignites the old flame between us. Gone all of the doubts, she is made for me. Then she kisses me back. She wraps her hand around my neck, pulling me closer until there's no space between us. I don't know if she still can see this, but for God's sake, we fit perfectly. Together, we create magic.
"You still love me," I whisper between our kiss.
I should have known that there's no place for words in our perfect moment. Those belong to reality. She immediately pulls away from me. Her eyes are widened in surprise, her fingers touch her lips like she doesn't believe what she just did with me. She steps backward, putting a safe distance between us. She shakes her head, like she's trying to lift up the spell. Soon, we are back on the land of no magic. The fucking cruel real world.
"No!" She shakes her head, more forceful this time. "You can't do this to me, Cara! This has to stop!"
"Jess, just admit it. You still love me. I can feel it." I put the palm of my hand right where my heart is. "I am sure that your heart is beating as fast as mine is. That is ours. Nobody else's, Jess. Only you and me."
The uncertainty shadows her eyes. That is all that I need. This is not over yet.
"Love, I am begging you. Don't give up on me just yet."
She gives me a sad smile. "Cara, you're right. I still love you." I almost jumped in happiness, but sadly, she's not over yet. "But it's not enough. It's just the same when you cheated on me. Yes, we both loved each other, but it was just not enough to keep us together. You needed more. I do too now."
I want to rush into her and tell her that she's wrong. She's always been enough for me. I was stupid for cheating on her. I was selfish and I hurt her in process. But the only thing that has never changed is my love for her. I want to tell her that and more, but the look on her face stops me dead on my feet. She is broken. In her eyes, I see the reflection of myself. How she sees me now. I am broken too.
"We can't keep living in the past, can we?"
"No," she replies. "As hard as it is, we have to let this go. I have to find my own path, you go to find yours too. If we are meant to be together, we will. But not now."
I watch her walking away from me. Again. Her figure is getting smaller as the distance grows, leaving her shadow behind with me. She is going back to Sophie, the girl she calls home now. Not now is probably never. For all I know, she's out of my life for good now. The road in front of me seems empty and pointless, now she's not here to share the journey with me. It seems like I have been hanging to the hope of another future with her to keep me sane. She is apparently the light in the end of the tunnel.
*
On the next day, I bump into Sophie at the resort's lounge. I am going to catch a flight back to London in the afternoon. I figured that I would hit the bar and enjoy the rest of my day here before I go back home. I was just sipping my tropical punch when she stepped in front of me. Her face is serious and her intense gaze is locked on me. She takes the seat right in front of me without any words. For a while, we only stare at each other, like sizing each other up before the fight. Oh, God. Please don't let a fight happens now.
She finally breaks the silence. Her accent is probably as thick as mine. So, I guess it's safe to say that Jess totally has a thing for British girls. Can't blame her though, we are so damn adorable.
"You came here to win her back," she calmly states.
"Yeah," I nod. "And what are you doing here?"
She smiles at me, not a very nice one I think. A smug smile. "I am here to make sure that you understand your place."
"And where that would be?"
"In her past." She gives me a pointed look. "You broke her heart and blew your chance with her. Accept it and let go. She deserves better than you."
I scoff at her arrogance. "And you think that you are better than me?"
"At least I don't cheat and throw myself to any girls in the club." Ouch.
"Whatever," I ignore her insult. "She can decide for herself. She doesn't need you to come here and tell me what's best for her."
She gives me another smug smile. What I wouldn't give to slap away those annoying smile from her face right here, right now. "She already did. She chose me, remember? I only make sure that you keep stay right where you're supposed to be. In her past."
I finally can't stand her any more. I rise and throw some bills on the table. I give her one of my best bitch stare. "This is not the end, Sophie. You won this round. Enjoy it while it last. But in the end, she belongs to me."
I don't wait around for her respond. I turn my back at her and walk away. It feels so great to have the last word. Especially when I am the one who lost.
