For all the places that I think would be the place where I would run into Cara, my favorite little bistro on the corner of my office neighborhood is definitely not one of them. The place is small and cozy, but it's not one of the hottest spot in London. I am even surprised that she knows this place. I was planning to work on one of its corner to find some inspiration for my latest project. A bit of people watching is one of my way to squeeze the creative juices out of my tired brain. As one of their regulars, they know that when I come here with my laptop, I am going to need to be left alone. If I'm not working, I like to chat with the baristas and waitresses, exchanging stories on our lives and juicy gossips around the town. But when I step into the bistro and see Cara sitting on my usual spot, I have to fight the urge to step back and avoid the awkward encounter. Like her radar is picking up my presence, she pops up her head and looks straight into my surprised face. She copies my expression into her face before she regains her composure and offers me a weak smile.
She's putting up one of her favorite disguise, overly large beanie and a big sunglasses to cover up her pretty face. But none of them could fool me into thinking that she's somebody else. Or could hide away her beauty from me. She looks good. Way too good for my sanity. I return her smile and speed into the counter. Sandra, the barista, arches her eyebrow at my stiffened posture. "What's wrong, Jess? You look like you just saw a ghost."
Did I? Maybe I did. She's surely my ghost, who's still paying regular visits into my mind. I shake my head slightly and order my usual. While I'm waiting for my coffee, I'm considering my options. Should I continue with my plan or just get the hell away from here? If I decided to stay, should I be polite and say hi to her? Am I strong enough to do that without having all of the old feelings rushing back to me? Sandra's taking too little time with her coffee making and returns with my order before I get the chance to make up my mind.
"Sorry that someone's already on your usual spot, Jess." So Cara's trick is actually working as Sandra can't recognize her. *Huh. Interesting.* She puts my coffee on the counter and points at another booth on the opposite side of the bistro. "But that one over there has equal great view and privacy."
Bless her for her great suggestion. I guess my problem is solved. I take my coffee and smile in gratitude at her. I put a big tip for her on the jar. "Thanks, San. Have a great day."
She eyes my tip on the jar and flashes me a big grin. "No. Thank you. Have a good one too, Jess." She wiggles her finger playfully, "Don't work too much."
"Will do." I turn and start to make my way to my booth. I pause mid step and let out a long sight. *Nope. This is not right. I might have a weak will for her, but I do still have my manners.* So, I change direction and walk toward Cara. She is playing with her phone while sipping her coffee. Her blonde hair falls graciously on her side and I remember how soft it was when I ran my fingers through the silky hair just the way she liked it.
"Hi." I stop just meters away from her and offer her a shy smile. She looks up and lowers her sunglasses to look directly at me with my favorite shade of green eyes. The very ones which used to look at me with so much love and adoringly. It still does and it scares me. She doesn't even try to cover it like I do. This is not good.
"Hi. Please, have a seat." She motions at me to sit across of her and I immediately oblige like I am in trance. This is not a part of my plan. I was going here to work, not to relish in sweet torture of her presence. *Goddammit, get a grip.* "I didn't think that you'd actually come up here, but here you are."
I swallow nervously as Cara grins playfully at me. Her eyes always have a mischievous glint in it, like she has some wicked plans in mind for me. A trouble, that she is. "Yup. Here I am."
"How are you?" Her intense gaze always has its way of undoing me, making me shivers under it. "Oh, right. Congratulations on your big move with Sophie." She attempted to smile, yet failed miserably. Her bitter tone doesn't escape me and I can feel her pain. I wonder if she could feel mine right now. A minute with her and gone is all of my progress of getting over her. Damn her.
"Thanks. It's great. We're doing great." I reply nonchalantly, hiding my nervousness by busying myself with my coffee.
"Glad to hear that." Another bitter tone.
"You don't even try to act like you mean it." I do not know where I found my courage to actually say that, but it was out before I got the chance to think about it. "You used to be good at lying."
She visibly finches at my rude remark and sighs. She looks like she's thinking about a smart comeback, but she only shakes her head in disbelief. "I guess I deserve that, huh? Yes, I didn't mean it. But I tried. God knows how much I tried to be happy for you."
I don't know how to respond to her statement. She looks miserable, her usual cocky attitude is missing and I hate it. I broke her just as much as she broke me. And looking at our state now, none of us knows how to fix it. We sit in silence for a while, distracting ourselves with anything just to ignore the big elephant in the room.
"You know what," she starts again, focusing her eyes at me with a smug smile plastered on her face, "you are still a bad liar."
"What do you mean?" My reply is a little bit defensive, even for my own ears. I've never lied to her, at least not about things that mattered.
"By the way you said that earlier, things are not that great with you and Sophie. I didn't believe it." Her bright green eyes look like it's reading my mind, challenging me to deny her.
"That's bullshit. I am happy with her." Now I'm getting really pissed. She has no right to assume about my relationship with Sophie. Not anymore.
"More happy than you were with me?" So this is where all of the attitude comes from. She still thinks that Sophie's not the right one for me. Everybody isn't but her. I scoff at her words. I don't need to answer that, especially when I don't have any correct answers for that question.
"Look, Cara," I drop my shoulder and try to diffuse the tense air around us. "Can't we put all of these in the past and just be friends?"
She leans back to her seat as she's considering my peace offering. Her face slips into one of her old arrogant smirks that I loves so much. Loved. Acknowledge the past tense usage. "I can't be just friends with you, Jess. We have too much history and I have way too much feelings for you to be just that." Uncomfortable with where this conversation is going, my eyes're roaming around the cafe. She pauses and waits until I place my wandering eyes into hers. "And I know that you still do too. Otherwise, you wouldn't be as nervous as you are now."
"You're imagining things, Cara. We're done. It's over." I drain out my coffee and put it back not so gently. I start to gather my things and ready to bolt out of here. "Fine. If it's what you want, then I guess I better go."
I stand up and look at her for the last time to say goodbye. She's still smiling at me, with a knowing look on her face. She's so confident about this, about us. I wonder where in the world she got this wrong idea of hers.
"Jess, you might be a lousy liar to others, but you're damn good at lying to yourself. It's only time until you couldn't keep up the lies and see things as it is. And when you do, you know where to find me. I'll be there."
