I wonder how my heart is still beating when I feel completely dead inside. Nothing seems right anymore. Now that the life's colorless after I ran out of paint, ran out of the love we shared before. I'm tired of crying. Missing her. All of those shits. After three months, the pain finally subsided into emptiness. This hollow feeling I can't seem to shake. The void space inside my heart, which was filled with her love. The love I had for her. The one which turned out to be a lie. A big fucking lie when she slept with someone else behind my back. And more so felt like one when news of her, hooking up with young starlets plastered all over the Internet. Well, that didn't take long. And here I am, still feeling the ache in my heart whenever I see her face every where I go. She has been busy. A lots of campaigns and interviews. Yeah, I've been cyberstalking her for a while now. I obsessively look at her instagram account, swallowing my disappointments as I see her continuing her life, living the life everyone wants. Partying everywhere she went. Great. Just great. So fucking great.
I was watching her interview for her new movie on Youtube when I finally stopped myself and close the browser on my phone. Pressing palms of my hand hard against my face, I come to a realization of what I've turned into. A fucking pathetic woman with a famous celebrity as her ex. The one who seems to follow her everywhere she goes.
"What the hell am I doing?" I whisper to my phone screen, staring at Cara's motionless face. She was grinning smugly at something that the host said before. Life is good for her. Pretty fucking shit for me. My hand raises in a sudden burst of anger. My muscles tenses in anticipation. I almost throw my phone onto the goddamn wall. "How could you go on like nothing happened?"
I smirk at my thought. Yeah, what did you expect, really? She crawls back for your forgiveness? Begging you to come back, when she has tons of girls at her feet? She has the world at the palm of her hands. She's not stopping for you. Not going to happen, Jess. I swear to myself to not fall with another star again. No matter how harmless they might seemed at first. No matter how gorgeous they are to my eyes. I can't get myself into this kind of situation again. Not when they could get another you in a matter of seconds. A rueful smirk comes up. Like you would get another chance to catch a celebrity attention again, Jess. That is just plainly stupid.
This newfound light brings me back to life. The next stage of separation. Anger. The red hot fire of rage is boiling inside of me. The contradiction of my feelings are almost funny to me. I don't want to be with her. I don't want her to be with anybody else. I want us both to move on. I want her to be right where I left her, just in case I want to come back. I hate her, the infidelity she did to me. I still love her. I miss her. I just want her to disappear from my life, leaving me in peace. But the truth is, she left me in pieces, never to be whole again. And this emptiness I feel since we broke up is making me crazy. I can't function properly anymore. My whole life is a big freaking mess. I can't concentrate on my job. I can't bear in other's company, except for Amy, who I even barely tolerate. It's like my life is coming to an end, where everything seems like just stop working anymore.
"If this is an end, then make another fresh start," I mutter to myself.
I absently open a travel agent website and scroll through them. My job has taken me around the world, seen the greatest place that world has to offer. But it was just for a job. I want to see it again as a free woman. I want to take back my life and set it straight again. But where should I start? One thing for sure, I don't want to be stuck at some crowded big city. Not even in a city like Rome and Paris, with their majestic buildings and views to please my eyes and artistic soul. No, that just wouldn't do. And they're far too romantic for my liking right now. I want some peace, somewhere new and exciting enough to explore. To find myself again.
A picture caught my attention. White sand beach and eclectic looking villas. Gorgeous infinity pool looking hang on the edge of a cliff, with crystal clear emerald ocean below. A school of fish swimming between the corals. I can definitely see myself relaxing there. I click a button and reserve myselfa ticket. Miles away from civilization. Far away from my problems. Only me and the sea.
I booked a flight for tomorrow, wanting to get the hell away from here as soon as possible. I packed lightly, unwilling to burden myself with unnecessary items. Not when I want to feel free and just live in the moment, even just for a while. With my sunglasses on, to cover my swelled eyes from constant crying, I sit silently at the executive lounge at the airport. Only a couple of minutes away from freedom. I tap my fingers against my thigh, following the beat of music coming out of my phone. Sam Smith is probably already tired of singing for me, the way I've been playing 'I'm Not The Only One' over and over again. Shaking my head, I hit the stop button. No more break up songs. They would only bring my mind back to Cara. And that's the last thing I want in this little escape of mine. Set Sam Smith free. Set her free. Then that's the only way I'd be free too.
"Passengers of DP6678 flight to Bali are welcome to board the plane on Gate 6."
