I get back from a walk on the beach with Sophie and find a note tucked beneath my front door. I bend over to pick it up, wondering what it is. I unfold the crumpled piece of paper and find her writings. Those messy handwriting. It is totally unexpected, seeing the trace of her presence right there. I slowly make my way to the chair on the front porch and heave myself there. Cara was here. It's impossible. What the hell she was doing here? As I read her message, my heartbeat is starting to accelerate and panic is rising inside of me. She wanted to see me. What the hell? Why now? Why here? I punch the rough surface of the wooden chair with my fist. This is so not fair. I was doing so well before she came here. Sounds of footsteps are coming from behind. In a swift motion, I turn around, hoping to find the sender of the note. She is not there, the ghost from the past. The other set of blue eyes meet mine instead. Not the exact blond girl that I expected.
"What's wrong?" Sophie says. She looks at me with a curious gaze. "You look like you've just seen a ghost."
I offer her the note. She doesn't take it right away. Her curiosity turns into concern when she sees the look on my face. She eyes the note suspiciously before she takes it. She reads it, then she lifts up her eyes back to me.
"She came here for you," she starts carefully.
I nod. She waits for me to confide more, but none is given. I still do not know what to say.
"Are you going to see her tonight?"
"I don't know," I finally break my silence.
"And what is this going to mean for us?"
A twinge of pain swirls in my stomach. She is right. I have another 'us' to consider with all of this shit going on. The present 'us'.
"I don't know." She doesn't deserve this answer.
My voice is starting to crack. My eyes are burned with the incoming tears. I drop my head down and stare at the wood deck below. I wish I could say that Cara means nothing to me anymore to Sophie. I wish I could handle this differently, but I can't. It's just too soon.
I feel her moving toward me. She takes each step slowly before she lowers herself and sit next to me. She grabs my hand and holds it within hers. We sit like that for a long time, drowning in our thoughts. She gives me the time and the supports that I need. She doesn't deserve this. She doesn't deserve me.
"Jess, look at me, sweetie." I look up and find her smiling face. Her smile is gentle and understanding, but her eyes are sad. "Do what you have to do. Go see her."
"But what about you? What about us?" I can't hold my tears any longer. I squeeze her hand as I cry, desperately hanging to her warmth for strength.
"Shh. Don't cry." She wipes the tears on my cheek with her thumb. Her hand stays there, stroking my cheek in reassuring rhythm. "I will still be here. In case this is what you want. Us."
"I want to want you."
"I know, sweetie. I know." The gentle smile on her lips never fade. "That's why you need to see her, so you will know for sure. We can't move forward if you still leave something behind."
*
She's already there, at the dock with the full moon hanging over her. The waves crashes against the dock's pillar, breaking the silence once in a while. She just stands there, hands in her pockets, her hood pulled up to her head. Her eyes are bloodshot, taking me in with their intense gaze. She looks as messed up as I do. At the same place where our love has brought us to. The place of heartbreaks and aches. We just stand there, looking at each other like some strangers. Strangers with history behind us. I want to run and hug her for the familiarity of it. Kiss her lips and see if it's still tasted the same. But we are frozen in place, unable to move the invisible wall between us.
"Hey," she says. "I honestly didn't expect you to show up." She gives me a sad smile. "I even almost didn't show up myself."
"Why? You're the one who asked me to come here."
"I saw you. On the beach. With her."
"I see." I don't know how to respond to that. It is clear that she is hurt. But so am I. "I met her here."
"So I came a little bit too late, huh?" She leans into the railing, her head looks up to the night sky. She closes her eyes, probably to stop the tears from falling. "I came here to say, I am sorry. To get you back. But it turned out that I came here to let you go."
"You left me first. Remember that? You are the one who left."
"But I still left my heart with you. It's still there, waiting for you to take it back. Now," she opens her eyes and looks at me, "is yours still with me too?"
I look at the waves. I look at the stars. I look at the party away from us. Anything to evade her gaze and the question in it. The question that I am not ready to answer.
"I thought that I could let you go back then, when I saw you with her. The pain was excruciating, I just wanted it to go. Yet, I am still here. Wanting you to come back."
She steps forward until she is right in front of me. Her scent is as mesmerizing as it used to be. Her eyes are as beautiful as it were before. But the love isn't as wholesome as we used to share. There are cracks that I'm not so sure is going to mend.
"You broke my heart when you cheated on me. You can't expect me to run into your arms right away when you want me to. She's good for me, Cara. She helps me picking up the pieces that you left behind."
"Then why are you here? If there's nothing more left, why did you come to see me?" She is so close now. One step more and I'll be able to kiss her. One step more and I'll be back into her arms. "Tell me that you don't love me anymore, then I'll leave you. But I'm not going to give up on you when there's still a chance for us."
"Don't do this to me, Cara. I was fine before you came here. All of the progress I've made, trying to forget you, the possibility of us. Now Sophie's here. You can't be here too."
"Just tell me. Release me by saying that you don't love me anymore. Can you do that?"
That moment I recall everything. The things that I've been through with Cara. The mornings we spent together in bed. The way she used to make me laughed. Her whispered words of love. The shared glances and stolen kisses. She was my whole world.
"I can't."
