Just The Benefits (PUBLISHED)

Kabanata 53

#JustTheBenefits

Kabanata 53 

The whole ride was unnerving. I could feel Shiloah stirring beside me. Gusto kong haplusin iyong buhok niya pero hindi ko magawa. Gusto kong hawakan iyong mukha niya pero hindi ko magawa.

I could only smile at his sleeping face. He looked so angelic.

I knew I was the one who was making myself miserable. I was asking for this yet I couldn't do anything about it—or maybe I was just refusing to. Iba kasi talaga nung pinamukha sa akin ni Tobi na manggagamit ako. That I was being a hypocrite because I was hating Candy yet I was doing the exact thing.

I want Shiloah. God, I still want him so bad... pero gusto ko muna na ipakita sa sarili ko na kaya ko na wala siya. Na hindi siya ginagamit... Because only then will I be able to convince myself that I deserve him.

I knew I wasn't making any sense and I was just prolonging my agony... pero mahalaga sa akin na malaman na worthy ako sa kanya kasi sobrang bait ni Shiloah. He's so good—damn he's too good. And I want to be worthy of that goodness. I want to be worthy of his love, devotion, and affection.

Because Shiloah deserves the best and I just want to be the best for him. I want to be independent. I want to be my whole self. Gusto ko kapag kami na talaga, buo na ako. He doesn't deserve pieces of me; he deserves the whole me.

Pagdating namin sa venue, I just stood from a distance. Pinanood ko siya habang nagsisimula na ang pictorial. I couldn't help but smile because he still looked so awkward. He looked so dashing but you could still see that he didn't like that all eyes were on him. Ang cute niya.

The photographer was giving him instructions and I was just helping myself to ogle at this perfection. Bagay sa kanya iyong suot niya. Nagmukha siya lalong boy next door. Mas lalong naging mukha siyang anghel na walang kayang gawin na masama. Naalala ko na naman tuloy dati na ako pa iyong bumibili ng damit niya dahil wala siyang pakielam sa sinusuot niya. But look at him now—ang layo na ng narating niya. At alam ko na mas malayo pa ang mararating niya.

And it scared me. It scared me knowing that he could still be farther than he already was.

"Okay, we're done for today," anunsyo nung photographer. Halos dalawang oras din kaming nandito. Who would've thought na mahirap palang maging model. Akala ko ngingiti ka lang, ayos na. Hindi rin pala.

Sinamahan nung isang babae si Shiloah na magpalit ng damit. Kami naman ni Marga ay magkatabi at pinag-uusapan kung saan susunod na pupunta si Shiloah. Dapat ay sa recording ulit kami pupunta pero nagkaroon ng emergency meeting si Marga sa management. Mukhang mayroong problema dahil nagmamadali siya.

She looked at me apologetically.

"Scrap muna 'yung plans for today. Emergency meeting. Seryoso yata, e," she explained. "Hatid mo na lang si Shiloah—ay no, punta na lang kayo sa school at ayusin niyo 'yung sa practicum niya para hindi masayang iyong araw. Dalhin niyo 'yung van; nandun naman iyong driver. Magtataxi na lang ako papunta sa company."

I wasn't able to respond to her dahil ang bilis ng pangyayari. One second, she was talking; the next, she was gone.

Nakaupo pa rin ako at pilit na idini-digest lahat ng sinabi ni Marga nung mapansin ko na nasa labas na pala si Shiloah. He was back in his usual attire—black pants, white v-neck shirt, and combat boots. Ang weird lang dahil mukhang anghel iyong mukha niya pero mukhang rockstar iyong suot niya. Parang may confusion.

"Nasan si Marga?"

Ito talaga ang una niyang tinatanong palagi. I was supposed to get pissed pero pinalampas ko na dahil sa sinabi niyang love you kanina. Though he didn't mention any name, I was assuming that it was for me.