I think it was the memory of his own lips as they traced Connors skin, collecting little drops of sweat in the hazy atmosphere that hurt him the most. The tugging of shirts and the massaging of sides that moved him from here, to there. There as in love, as in pain and hurt and fear, there as in him. Connor, the boy of his dreams, his one true love.
Or maybe it was the 20 years they'd spent together growing up. The familiar 'boy next door' cliche that held Troye so tightly and cradled him, kept him safe. The way they fell in love so innocent only for it to prosper into something so sweet and raw that it hurt as much as it pleasured.
But most likely, the most probable reason for Troyes dismay, is Connor- his sweet precious boy- falling out of love as he himself fell further. The packing of bags in the middle of the night when Troye was sound asleep dreaming of the future. Maybe it was waking up to Connor's cries as he couldn't get the suitcase closed only for him to ask Troye to do it for him. Just like that, he would have sealed the deal on their string of fate. Or it was the way Troye refused to close the bag, trying to pull it away from his lover as he sobbed, Don't leave me! I love you! Why are you doing this?
Only for Connor to rip the luggage away from his grip and fall to the floor in tears. He had looked so broken and innocent, spit dripping down his chin as his hands tugged at his hair. Troye knew then that the only thing he'd get in Connor staying was pain, so he leaned down and with lips so gentle, kissed Connors soft skin.
The next morning Troye woke to an empty closet and a note on the kitchen counter.
Dear Troye, My precious Troye, I have never been sorrier than I am in this moment. I wish that I still loved you, that we could be together and live that happily ever after I know you wanted. But I couldn't live that lie anymore, It would of hurt worse for me to stay and we both know it. I've found a new apartment somewhere else in LA and I hope you can move on. I wish you the best all this world can give, there's nothing to forgive. Please try to move on, please try to breathe because I know you aren't. If not for you, than for me. Goodbye for always Koala, Connor x
That, that was it. That's what took Troye by the heart and pulled, pulled so damn hard he found it hard to eat, drink, or live in general. He was happy, he had been happy for years. But in one night he'd lost it all like a poor gambling addiction.
Fast forward three months and there's Troye. Wearing Connors old coat, standing in rain that poured so hard he could barely stand. And he was watching, he was watching as his Connor ran from another man in a fit of giggles, the rain soaking him threw and making him ten times more desirable. Wrapped up in another man's arms he looked unreachable. Troye cried. No one would have known he was crying just by looking, oh no the rain made sure of that, but if Connor would have saw him, he would have known because Connor always knew.
Water fell onto Troyes eyelashes and soaked into his lips alongside his tears. He found himself jealous of the rain, which fell upon Connors skin. Because it was closer than his hands had been in quite some time.
He found himself jealous of the wind that rippled through his clothes, that was closer than his shadow.
He was jealous of the nights that he didn't spend with him, wondering who Connor now laid next to, jealous of the love that was no longer here. Gone, gone for someone else to share.
When Connor left, and wished him the best, he thought that when he'd left that he'd come back and tell him that all he found was heartbreak and misery. Now it's hard for him to say that he was jealous of Connor being happy without him.
And each day he died a bit more, faking smiles and crying every night, wearing old clothes and breathing the scent of Connors old candles and buying the same coffee. Troye didn't even like coffee.
Troye found himself a very jealous person as Connor settled down somewhere else to live his own happily ever after. He laid in his bed and stayed up all night thinking of old whispers he bet Connor was then whispering against someone else's skin.
I love you
You make me feel so happy
We'll be together forever
You're my always Troye, you'll never have to be alone again.
Troye screamed sometimes, threw things and ripped them apart. He cut people out of his life and became acquainted with his bedroom ceiling.
He hurt, he hurt so badly, and I think that that, that is what hurt Troye the most. He didn't harm himself, the memories were worse than any slash or any hangover.
And finally, he didn't want to hurt anymore, so he decided to move. Move on or at least try to. He packed a bag and booked a ticket to Alaska without a single jacket but Connors old winter coat. He left a note, a note he slipped under the door of Connors new flat that Connor didn't know Troye knew of, and then boarded with not one regret. He found himself wishing the plane would crashed before they arrived.
Dear Connor, You're a lying son of a bitch, you know that? What confuses me is how I know that and still love you with my entire being. If you asked me now to jump off the highest cliff into the hottest fires I would, just to see you smile. I guess, in the end, I'm just a jealous fool. Jealous of the rain, the wind, the night, and all the love you left me with. All the love you left for me to choke on as you sipped coffee and laid with a new opportunity and achieved happiness. And I guess that's alright, I can't blame you for not loving me anymore. I don't see why you would. Look at me, I'm a mess! So I guess I can return the favor and wish you the best, and try to forgive what you said I didn't need too, because I've tried to move on and all I've found is heartbreak and misery. I hope you're happy Con, you deserve it. Tr- No One Important xx
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THIS WASNT AS SAD AS I WANTED IT ALSO THANKS joelsivan FOR THE SUPPORT here's a gif:
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