Green Eyed Daydream #Wattys2016

Chapter 53

Carrie's POV

Tomorrow is Christmas Eve, and I am taking a flight to Pennsylvania to spend the holidays with my mom. I stuff my suitcase with enough clothes for a week, and try to find the warmest sweaters as I brace myself for actual winter weather. As I rummage through my closet, I uncover an old Abercrombie and Fitch cardigan that I've had since freshman year in college...I smile as I remember wearing it nearly daily. The next little hidden treasure I discover is a moth eaten cashmere sweater...for a second I consider mending the holes, but then decide to toss it. Getting rid of old crap is a good way to ring in the new year. Yes, no more trying to fix broken things. I dig deeper into my dresser, and pull out a large black t-shirt. I squeeze the fabric in my hands, and instinctively bring it to my nose, inhaling his unmistakable scent.

I close my eyes, and sit on the floor, pressing the t-shirt to my face. How is it possible that it still smells like him? I remember Tyler giving it to me to sleep in the first time I spent the night at his place. I never told him, but I kept it, and whenever we spent a night apart, I'd sleep in his shirt just to feel a little closer to him. That was all before. Before he broke my heart.

I toss the t-shirt into the same pile as the moth-eaten sweater. After I get rid of it, there will be no more traces of him in my life. I'd done a very thorough job of cleansing and getting rid of any artifact or memento that might remind me of him...of us together. No more movie ticket or museum admission stubs pinned to my cork board, no more take out menus from the restaurants we used to visit, no more dried roses from the numerous bouquets he'd sent to me. I look at my phone reluctantly. The last thing remains...and it is perhaps the toughest, most painful one to accomplish. I have to delete his contact from my phone, along with the countless pictures of him...of us...happy together. It's hard to say why I'm having such a hard time going through with it. It's almost as if getting rid of him in my phone would be the final nail in the proverbial coffin.

I open the photo app, and scroll through my pictures. Here's a blurry selfie of Tyler sneaking a kiss on my cheek from behind. The next one, is when I won some historical trivia bet and made him paint my toe nails. He did a pretty messy job of it, but I adore this picture of him cradling my foot in his lap, all hunched over and holding the nail polish brush with precision in his large hand.

And here's the one that I always come back to. I took this picture surreptitiously, and it is an absolute favorite of mine. It's Tyler asleep in my bed. He's on his stomach, with his arms wrapped around my pillow, his body covered in a tangled up sheet from the waist down. His head resting on the side, his tousled hair is sticking up, revealing a beautiful profile. How I loved kissing his closed eyelids, and long eyelashes...and watching him wake up...smiling at me, and pulling me back into bed with him.

I turn off the phone. I am my own worst enemy. The goal is to move on, not linger on bittersweet memories of what once was. An audible sigh escapes my lips, and I slouch, placing my hands over my face.

When does it get easier? When will I be able to wake up and not think of him? Yes, I've gotten rid of pretty much all of the physical evidence of Tyler, but he's still here. He's everywhere. On every street I pass by, in every song I hear on the radio, in every crevice of my tortured mind. Things that we never even experienced together remind me of him. Like I was watching a rerun of one of my favorite TV shows, The Office, the other day, and I remembered that Tyler had never seen it...and I so wanted to share those funny moments of the show with him. Now, I'll never get to... I'll never get to do anything with him.

Well, you could just forgive him...my treacherous subconscious suggests.

No. I am not that weak. This isn't something I could ever get over. He slept with someone else, and then tried to act all heartbroken. That's what it was--acting. But I am not going to be part of his play. My self-esteem is not so low that I would play the role of the pushover girlfriend.

I feel the spite and anger surface in me, and I am glad. This is just what I need to go through with this. I open the phone again, and hover over his name in the contacts...DELETE...I press the button and exhale. The pictures are next. I select all the ones with him in it...even if it's just his arm wrapped around me...and I delete them all. One picture remains. The favorite one. I look intently at it, trying to memorise every nuance of his face...trying to commit to memory every detail of this man who made me so very happy...and also so completely miserable.

The tears are brimming my eyes...my trembling finger hovers over the 'delete' button...I'm about to press it when the phone vibrates in my hand.

It's an incoming call from Alex, and I answer.

"Hey, Carrie, you still sure you don't want a ride to the airport?"

"Yeah, I think I'll just take Uber," I tell him.

"It's just been a while since we hung out, and you're leaving, and I just wanted to make sure you're okay..." Alex trails off.

I chew on my lip, feeling a little guilty for avoiding him these last couples of weeks, because the truth is I miss him terribly, but each time I see him...I think of Tiffany, and when I think of Tiffany, I think of Tyler...and each time I think of Tyler, I fall apart.

"Okay, you can give me a ride to the airport, and we'll catch up," I offer finally.

"Great! When do you want me to come and get you?"

"Well, the flight is at 9pm tonight, so like around 6:30?"

"Sure. I'll see you then."

We end the call, and I peel myself up off the floor.

After a quick shower, I finish packing and preparing for the trip. I'm a little anxious about it, since spending an entire week at my mom's is always fraught with complications. She and I are not cut from the same cloth...we're such different people, that a part of me actually dreads what's ahead. She usually makes me feel like I am just coming up short of her expectations. It's almost as though she wishes she had another daughter altogether.

Before I allow myself to get into a miserable mood, I decide to send a "happy holidays" mass text to all my friends. Soon enough, I get a number of responses wishing me all the best in the new year. A text from Lucas is particularly funny, as he makes a reference to my superhero threesome fantasy. I text back and forth with him for the next half hour, actually laughing out loud several times.

Our text exchange is interrupted when I hear Alex ring the front gate. I buzz him in, and text 'goodbye' to Lucas. He responds with a series of animal emojis.

I glance at the clock, and notice that it's a little before 6. Guess he's early.

When I hear a knock on my front door, I skip over, and swing it open.

I hear myself gasp, as I see Tyler standing before me.