Shaking Shoulders // Joshler

Twentyseven

A/n;very triggering towards end :(

Tyler's POV

Josh isn't home as often as he used to be. It has me stressed and writing more music but still I miss him. I ask him what he is up to but he always replies with 'nothing' or 'hanging out with family'. I asked his sister one day about his whereabouts via text and she replied with a 'idk'. Before he left that day he said he was going to hang out with her. He lied to me without any struggle. The first thought that came to my head was that he was cheating on me so I reached out to Jenna. She picked me up and took me to Starbucks before we went back to my house.

I let her inside but we ended up on the back patio. "So what's been going on? Don't leave out any details." She sipped from her iced tea while I tried to come up with words for Josh's behavior. "I don't know." I sighed "Its only been a month since we've been off tour and he's acting different. Like he's not home as often as usual and he lies about where he's been." I finished my sentence and took a deep breath. Jenna absorbed my words for a brief moment before speaking again "you don't think he could be cheating on you right?" She looked at me with worried eyes and I rolled mine. "Of course my initial thought was cheating but why? That's not Josh, I know he cares about me and wouldn't do anything like that." Jenna shook her head at me "Debby thought that too yanno and then she saw you two kissing when she was going to surprise him. Expect the unexpected Tyler."

After our outside conversation we moved inside to watch a movie. I was busy stuffing my face with popcorn when the front door opened. "Tyler?" It was Josh. What a surprise he didn't get here a few hours from now. "In the living room." I yelled. Jenna adjusted herself on the couch as Josh approached us. "Why is she here?" He questioned making me roll my eyes. "She's my friend." I shrugged not feeling the need to go into a full blown explanation to why Jenna is here but why should I? "Why wouldn't you hang out with all of our other friends?" Why does he have such a problem with Jenna? He can't still be jealous over the whole fake relationship thing. "Because they all lie to me." I replied making him stand silently for a few moments. "What do you mean they lie?" I rolled my eyes and got up to look at him. "Don't play dumb Josh. They lie about where you are all the time." I crossed my arms and Jenna cleared her throat from the couch.

Josh stood quietly for a few more seconds and probably decided I was right and left. He just turned around and walked out. I looked over at Jenna before I cried into her shoulder shortly after. I didn't cry too long and when I stopped sniffling and pulled out from her shoulder, Jenna looked at me with apologetic eyes. I was so lucky to have a friend like her who helped me cope with this. "How about we go get some ice cream, yeah?" She smiled and rubbed my arm. I sniffled once more and grinned making her laugh.

Once we got to the ice cream place and were sat outside we were talking about Josh again. "Why does he hate me so much?" Jenna asked. She licked her cotton candy ice cream while waiting for my answer. "I don't know I guess he still holds a grudge against the whole fake dating thing." I rolled my eyes. "But he knows that was fake! My god he can't be that jealous." I took notice that Jenna doesn't like it when someone doesn't like her and I found it quite amusing. "You know what? Maybe it's because I'm not one of his mutuals. He doesn't want you to have any other friends out of your friend group." I laughed making her fake pout before she continued eating her ice cream.

"Jenna I don't think that's why, I'll ask him later when he's not mad at me." She stared behind me while I awaited a reply. "Looks like that might take him awhile." She said blankly and I turned around to see what she was staring at. It was Josh walking down the sidewalk with another man, they were both laughing. The one held a binder and his hair was done quite nice and he looked very attractive. I scowled and shot up from my seat ready to storm across the street and see who this mystery man was. "Tyler don't assume things, Sit down." Jenna hissed. I hesitantly did that and finished my cone. "Ask him what he was doing later today and if he lies, confront him." She smiled and finished her ice cream as well. I huffed in frustration and nodded in agreement. Soon after we finished our ice cream and Jenna trying to comfort me we left for my house.

The sun has set and Jenna left an hour ago. I climbed into bed and let the dark engulf me and my thoughts.

he's unfaithful

No he isn't it was probably one of his friends I haven't met. I felt like crying once the loud whispers clouded my head.

i told you he would hurt you again

He's not hurting me. He's not cheating on me.

stop lying to yourself Tyler

It's true! I hit my head desperate for the voices to stop.

you don't even believe the lies you tell yourself

At this point I had lost it, tears streamed down my face, and I held myself under the blankets curled into fetal position. The whispers quickened and my tears doubled. I couldn' think straight and my hand began to twitch.

do it

No no no. Why can't you leave me alone? I scratched my wrist to ease the itch but it wouldn't leave.

you can't resist

stop.

you are weak

I am not weak.

you are pathetic

please.

you are a waste of space

I know.

weak and pathetic

I know.

why would Josh even waste his time on you?

I don't know. I stopped crying and stayed in the same position silent.

go now. do it.

Don't do this, I've come so far.

quick relief

I'm okay

you are not okay stop lying

I know.

SO DO IT. GET UP AND END IT ALL

The single voice in my head screamed and I began crying again.

WEAK AND PATHETIC

I slowly got up and headed to the bathroom.

WEAK

I dug through the bottom drawer where Josh kept his extra razor heads.

DO IT

I fumbled through the messy drawer until I reached the small box underneath it all. I took a single blade out and looked at it.

WEAK

I quickly brought it to my wrist and the voices went away. I breathed in relief and kept going. I decorated my wrist deeply each time it made contact with the skin of my arm. I finally had peace and the voices will leave me for one more night. I cut one too deep and then I realized what I had done. I watched silently as the crimson trickled down my hand and onto the floor.

A few minutes passed before I had grown light headed. I crashed to the floor and the last thing I heard was my name slipping out of Pete's lips.

A/n; okay if any of you EVER feel the need to harm yourself in any way PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE kik me or message me. I will hopefully respond immediately but I want to be here for you and help. I will even distract you from it or whatever but God think about me before you do anything to yourself. I may not know you but I care so so so much. I love you all