oh dear! more of sam's rants are here

just letting everyone know + some ranting and such that you can skip

i haven't been very active on here lately, and if i'm being completely honest, there is no real reason for it. (other than i've been reading a lot of kyouhaba on ao3 and tumblr. the fics are just so good?? and there isn't any kyouhaba on here that i can find honestly.)

here comes the kind of ranty part? there's a bit of anxiety & self-harm briefly mentioned and some sad themes so if that will trigger you please stay safe my friends !

so in recent months i've monitored my anxiety fairly well, and i stopped having very frequent attacks until about a week ago. lately i've felt very empty and down, which i think may have something to do with summer. as much as i hate school work, this year was amazing for me socially. i'm going to miss my friends a lot. i have this intense feeling that i'm going to be forgotten about next year and it's really bothering me. this year i also got close to another person who i kind of have a crush on i guess and i'm afraid that next year we won't really talk, which i know is incredibly unlikely because we'll have at least one class together, that being band. we'll share a lunch too. and now he's become friends with all of my friends, and we're kind of like a group, but i'm afraid summer could change that? i don't know.

my parents aren't really helping matters, and even they've noticed i haven't been feeling well. i've been eating a lot less and staying alone in my room a lot more. i just want to curl up in my blankets and forget about everything. i wish i could stay in the safety of my room and read fics and watch anime for the rest of my life. i honestly haven't felt this awful since last summer around the time i relapsed. i won't relapse, because my blades are gone and i no longer have any desire to cut, but i'm definitely not feeling the best. please don't worry too much about me.

but i definitely have lost some of the desire i had to write. i may not update a lot on my other books, even though summer will give me a lot more time to do that. i hope you all understand. i love you all so so much, and i couldn't be happier on this site. thank you for all of your support.