Jaspar One-Shots

It Felt Like I Was Drowning

Summary: Joe thinks sometimes Caspar might like him back, but sometimes he's wrong.
WARNINGS: HOMOPHOBIC LANGUAGE, MENTIONS OF DROWNING (not really, metaphor wise).

I was drowning.

My head underwater, I couldn't see or hear a thing. The more I struggled, the deeper I got. It was scary, all I wanted to do was float...

It all happened quicker than a second, first we were walking along while laughing, and then suddenly...bam. It was all gone, so fast, too fast. I just wanted to tell him, I just wanted to be something he wanted.

We sleep like we're lovers.
We talk like we're lovers.
We laugh like we're lovers.
Yet we weren't.

I was running along with him on the pavement, both of us laughing how it was pouring down. Our hair was soaking wet, our clothes too. For some reason, we found it hilarious and both of us were in fits of laughter as people around us stared.

"Joe, don't you think we should get an umbrella?" He asked me, and I shook my head making him chuckle.

"No, it's way more fun this way! Don't you love the rain?" I said as a bright smile appeared on my face as I began to dance around.

Caspar just nodded, "Yeah, but I love something even more." He told me, his gaze on me.

My heart could have stopped. I stopped dancing and I stopped smiling, my shoulders dropped and I stepped back. Could he mean me? Or am I being crazy?

I looked him in the eyes, "What's that?" I questioned, wishing we could go back to ten seconds ago when we were dancing in the rain.

"Doughnuts." He giggled, and took my hand and ran to the nearest doughnut shop. I laughed along with him but I felt my heart beat faster.

He always does this.

Makes me feel like he could somehow feel the same but then once again, proves me wrong. I hoped he would return the feelings but I knew, I knew that even if he did, they wouldn't be real.

As someone like him, could never like someone like me.

We sat down once we had got our doughnuts, both of us still drenched, and began to eat.

He picked up his doughnut and took a bite, "So what did you think I was going to say on the pavement back there?" He asked with his mouth full.

I shrugged, "Nothing I guess." I replied, looking down at my shoes.

"Well it's obviously something!" He told me, a smile appearing on his face.

My heart skipped a beat. Should I do it? Should I tell him? Is this my chance to know for sure?

You know what they say: you'll never meet the right person if you never leave the wrong one.

"Me," I whispered. "I guess."

His face dropped immediately and he frowned, "Oh..." He trailed off.

This was a mistake.

I quickly gathered up my pride to say once again, "I thought it was about me. Sorry if that creeped you out or something." I apologised.

He took another bite, "So do you like, love me or something?" He questioned.

I could feel tears in my eyes but I refused to cry, "I guess."

He looked me in the eyes, "So you're like, a fag?"

His words hit me immediately and I gasped. Realisation painted his face and he dropped his donut that was in his hands all over his jeans but to him it didn't seem like it mattered that much.

"I'm so sorry I didn't mean to say that it just slipped out!" He said, his hand covering his mouth. I stepped out of my seat and grabbed my wallet.

"Please don't go, I didn't mean it! I'm just not that comfortable with a guy dating a guy, it's just, not right! We can still be friends!" He begged, and he grabbed my wrist.

"Stay away from me." I hissed, ripping his grasp from my arm.

I walked out of the donut shop, tears streaming down my face as I walked away. Rain once again covered me, but like before, I didn't care.

Loving him comes in waves, but now, I was drowning.

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