The Voices of Ana and Mia (Book 1)

Chapter 2: I feel empty but I've never felt so full

Diary Entry:

I haven't eaten anything in four days. I messed on Friday after Andrew shoved me into the locker and I emotionally ate so I started again Saturday... I feel so empty and weak. I get dizzy occasionally; so I need to find a good balance for my water intake. I've been exercising a lot but I'm so weak from it and it only makes the dizziness worse. On the bright side (surprise there is one!) I am 144 now :). Five pounds! It's not even close to what I want but I am getting there. I so desperately don't want to be a fatty. Thanksgiving is coming up. I can already smell my mom's Turkey, gravy and biscuits. I know that Ana will jump down my throat if I eat anything and I have decided that whatever I eat I will purge. Eat purge starve eat purge starve eat purge starve, eatpurgestarveeatpurgestarve. It's a never ending cycle of hell. I have to keep telling myself that in order to be beautiful I have to be pure. Pure is bones. I am so fat and I just want out of this disgusting body. This not eating thing is driving me crazy; I seriously think I am going to go mental. I think I know where Brian is going with this. Going insane may be the only logical escape from this hell people call life. Speaking of life, something weird has been going on. Christi has started to change a lot. She's starting to hang out a lot with this girl named Bianca. Bianca is a stuck-up prissy girl and I don't know what Christi is thinking by associating with her. I mean, she's a cheerleader for crying out loud. They have already gotten to the point where they are calling each other best friends. It makes me absolutely sick. I would throw up but I have nothing in my stomach (hehe, not funny -__-). Bianca doesn't like me. She never really has and it hurts that Christi is choosing Bianca over me. She's starting to not talk to me as much which is weird because we talk all the time. If she does talk to me she never seems to be listening. She totally ignored me today at school. She didn't sit with me at lunch, nor say hello or goodbye, not even an acknowledgement of my presence. Michelle keeps trying to get me to eat, but she just doesn't get it. Food is poison. I eat and it will infect me, it will make me fat. Andrew is keeping up his fat remarks and it's tearing me apart. I hate him so much. Why is he picking one me? Like what did I ever do to deserve this from him other than exist?! Whatever though. I hate him and that's that. Apparently now because of Andrew's influence, I am the "fat girl" of the school. I hate them. I hate them all! I'm so hungry. I was looking up online the other day about how to lose weight. I found this thing called the lemonade diet. It's got big results and I won't really have to starve. :) If I do it right I can lose 20 pounds in ten days. Yes man! Anyway I'm going for a run to get out of this house. Brian is freaking out again. Wish someone would just sedate him...