The Voices of Ana and Mia (Book 1)

Chapter 30: I don't want to live like this anymore

I woke up on the couch feeling groggy. My face was swollen from purging and crying yesterday. It was still dark outside so I checked the time. It read 5:15. Kevin wasn't there but I heard whispers in the kitchen. I got up and slowly walked towards the kitchen. I saw Kevin and my dad sitting at the table talking. I slipped into the shadows and sat on the ground listening.

"...scared for her" I heard Kevin's voice falter as he said her.

"I know, I am too"

"What are we going to do? The counseling sessions aren't doing anything for her. She left halfway through after she had a panic attack" Wait?! How did he know I had a panic attack?

"She had a panic attack?"

"Yeah, she didn't tell me what it was about but I can read all the signs, it was definitely an attack"

"I don't know what we can do Kevin... There is nothing I can do but..."

"She doesn't want to go to a clinic"

"That's because a prior friend of hers feed her a bunch of lies about eating disorder clinics and induced the fat fear into her"

"Fat fear? What's... nevemind. She doesn't want to go to a clinic so what am I suppose to do?"

"I don't know"

"She's not gaining weight Kevin. Not like she should. She dropped another five pounds. She's back to 109 and that is dangerously low... I don't understand why she can't just eat! She's killing herself"

"It's not that..."

"Why are you talking about me?!" Why don't you ask me what I'm feeling? Why don't you ask me why I do this to myself?! If I wanted to kill myself I would have put a bullet in my head!"

I was enraged that they were talking about me. I wasn't some project for them to fix. I wasn't some weird bug that they had to study under a microscope. They didn't even understand what the hell I was going through. I had had enough of their whispering. I got up and barged into the kitchen, my face flushed with anger.

"Elizabeth..." My dad looked shocked and somewhat scared to see me. Bet he was embarrassed that I had overheared their conversation. Serves him right.

"No! Stop! Just listen okay. I have always been the fat kid. Always. Then I stopped eating and I started to lose weight. I lost a ton of weight. I lost 50 frickin' pounds and now I can't stop. I have been trying so freaking hard to eat. I really am trying. For Kevin's sake and Brian's sake! I have been eating okay? That's what you wanted me to do. But no matter how hard I try I can't keep the food in. I am finally not the fat kid. I am finally skinny enough that people are scared. That was all I ever wanted but now I can't stop. Food is literally poison to me. I eat food one day and its okay. I eat food the next day and I feel the fat cells building on my skin and killing me. People say you need to eat to live. I believe that food will continue to add fat onto you until you're a whale and die of heart failure. That's what food is. It's a sneaky conniving poison that enters your soul and kills you. And I won't die from food. I'd rather die from lack of it. Stop looking at me like that! I know I'm sick! I am fully aware of that. But I can't get better. I can't stop"

"Why? Why can't you stop?" My dad was looking at me funny. Kind of like he felt sorry for me but also he didn't understand what he was suppose to feel sorry about. There was also a hint of anger in there. He had no idea how bad my eating disorder was. It was time he learned.

"Because every time I eat I hate myself a little more. This disorder has overtaken me. I can no longer live normally. I look at food and so desperately want to eat it but my body no longer obeys my commands. I can tell myself that I need to pick up the apple and bring it to mouth but my body will no longer obey. I can't even control my body anymore. My eating disorder controls my body. I can't even take a shower without throwing up. I turn on the shower and I'm automatically on my knees with a finger down my throat. It's procedure now. You can show me any food and I will tell you exactly how many freaking calories it has. I can walk through any food store and all I can think about is what the food tastes like after I've thrown it up. My only pride in myself is the fact that I can brag about how I was surrounded by food and I didn't eat it. My only pride in myself is the fact that I don't eat. That is my self-worth"