The Voices of Ana and Mia (Book 1)

Chapter 10: Can't shut up the voices

Fat. Fat. Fat. 200 calories? Nope. You are too fat to consume that. Fat Fat Fat. 150 calories? Only pigs eat that much. Fat Fat Fat. 10 calories? How about zero. You'll never be pure until you can consume nothing but air. Living on air. That's what I do and I am beautiful.

Diary Entry: Weight 125. Calorie intake-70. Time: 6:25 p.m.

I have not been able to get a break from the voices. I find myself sitting in the corner of my room staring vacantly at the walls. Wishing. Pleading, that anything can stop the voices. Whenever i eat the voices are on full volume. Even the rhythm of my chewing is condemning me. Up, down. Up down. Fat Cow. Fat Cow. Fat Cow. I am continuously counting calories. I am consuming 200 calories a day. My diary has quickly turned into my weight count notebook. I have dropped a considerable amount. My mom noticed the other day and she was happy. Smiling that i was losing weight. She thinks i am skinny now. I'm not skinny. I am fat. Incredibly fat. Mom wants to take me shopping tomorrow. My clothes are falling off me now. I am a size 5 now. I was originally a size 10. Michelle's birthday is coming up. I don't know what i am going to get her. I don't want to go shopping. It will take out of my running time. 5 miles in the morning. 3 at night. I can't even think straight anymore. My mom is going to flip when she sees my report card. I am failing in every class now. I don't care anymore though. I just need to loose the rest of that weight and then i can continue in my school work and stuff. I am no longer at risk for being overweight. I am at a healthy weight. Health weight? I'm not even close to my goal. 76 pounds. I have to get there or else... idk. I have a headache right now. I can't stop the voices. Christi won't leave me alone. When will she understand that I hate her? She's not pregnant. She just had food poisoning. Another reason why food is evil. Bianca hates me more than ever but I don't care. She started to call me fat girl like everyone else. You know what Christi did? She laughed... That's another reason why I hate her. But who cares about them. They are right. I am fat. I wish the voices would just stop. Please just shut up the voices. Ana. Mia. Shut. Up.

I closed the diary and placed it under my bed in my little treasure box. My dad had given me the box on my sixth party. It was a brown box with glittery fake diamonds on it. Being the six-year old that I was, it was the best present ever. I smiled as I remembered my dad's words when he handed it to me. "My little princess. I want you to store your most intimate treasures in here. Always remember that i love you". My father started drinking a year later. It was a light every Friday night type of drinking. Brian was born two years after that and then my father started coming home drunk every other night. I remember him screaming at my mom at midnight because Brian would be crying. Once Brian could crawl he would start hitting her. I was nine. I didn't understand why my dad changed so drastically. I blamed it on Brian. In my nine year old logic, daddy didn't start being so angry until after Brian was born.

He left us 5 months ago. Mom threatened to call the police on him. He left but he had already caused us all so many emotional scars. There is always one memory that will always haunt me. It was January of this year. I had just finished up my homework and gotten off the phone with Bethany. I heard the door swing open and i immediately jumped up and locked the door. I knew my dad was home and he was drunk. He heard him crash into walls as he struggled to walk around in his drunken stupor. He then knocked on my door.

"Open up my little princess. Daddy wants to see you"

"No! Go away, you're drunk"

"I just want to give my princess a kiss? What's wrong with that"

He laughed evilly as he continued to pound on the door. My mother was working late at the hospital that night and Brian was at my grandparents house. It was only me and my dad. I slumped against the door as he continued to say vulgar things of what he wanted to do to me. My stomach coiled as i ran to throw up in my trash pin. This wasn't my father. This was a monster. I heard my door open and I looked up in fear. He stood there. Eyes leering at me. He stank of alcohol and cheap perfume. "Come to Daddy". I opened my window and started to climb out. He shot himself forward and grabbed my foot. My body was half out the window as I struggled out of his grasp. He pulled me out of the window and threw me onto my bed. I closed my eyes, dreading what was to come. Nothing happened though. I opened my eyes to see him looking at me in disgust.

"You're so fat! Why would I ever want to touch you. You are such a disappointment. I really thought my favorite princess would actually respect her body and not let herself pig out. You're so disgusting. You repulse me! He walked out after that and passed out I'm guessing.

I don't know what was worse. His words before he saw me or after. I sat and cried after that. I never thought I was fat. I know I am now though. I started dropping weight after that. I went from 155 to 125. I wanted to be a light weight. I wanted to be like a feather floating in the wind. I was sick of being a disappointment to my mom and my dad. I started drinking after that. I would steal my dad's stash and lock myself in my room. I took another sip of the beer I was holding and sighed. It was my unhealthy secret. I just wanted to not feel anymore. Was a really such a disappointment? I wanted to die. I didn't want to live with my momster father of my momster. Momster Ha! That's a good one. Why did I Have to be the fat one? Why did I have to be the failure?

Fat! Fat! Fat! Fat! Utter failure! Such a disappointment!

I giggled lightly as the beer started to affect my head. Nobody needed me in this world. I was just wreaking havoc wherever I went. What if I...what if I just killed myself?