The Voices of Ana and Mia (Book 1)

Chapter 14: Dear Diary, I hate me

Weight 116 Calorie Intake: 0

Dear Diary,

I hate me. I hate my emotions. I hate my body. I hate my family I hate my life. Why you want to know? Because life is cruel. Michelle refuses to talk to me until I make amends with Christi. I don't know who she thinks she is? To top things off, my mother won't even look at me. I've pretty much just given up talking to her, it's not like she cares though. I hang out with Brian when the witch isn't home but other than that I'm "not allowed to" speak to him. You're probably wondering how someone is not allowed to hang out with her little brother but I guess the witch thinks I'm going to hurt him or something. He really doesn't look anything like me, well because I look like my dad. Brian looks like Sydney. Blond hair, green eyes and that charming smile. Even though Brian is only my half-brother I starting to love him like a brother. When she-devil isn't home we have so much fun together. Brian's counselor lady even said he's getting better but of course she blames the success on herself. It was actually after I started to hang out more with him that he started to get better. I realized that Brians the only family I have left that might actually care if something happened to me. You might think that's a selfish reason to start loving your little brother and it probably is but I've been doing a world of good for that boy. I didn't even think I was capable of doing good anymore. Regardless I told Brian to punch the next kid to make fun of him and I taught him how to. He did and he ended up going to the office but no one bullies him anymore. The stupid counselor lady asked him why he punched the kid and he told her what I told him. "Sometimes you just have to take matters into your own hands. They say that adults are the ones that are supposed to help you but they will be the first ones to turn a blind eye. Life is cruel so you gotta take care of yourself because no one else will start to care until they see your cold blue corpse. So tell me? Is it wrong to defend yourself when the very people that were supposed to don't?" It left the woman speechless for a bit before she fed him the violence is not the answer crap but Brian and I laughed about it afterwards. I don't see how I am hurting Brian and I don't know what the witch thinks in doing to him. We've agreed to keep it a secret though. Brian's so starved for attention and I'm looking so hard for someone to love me.

Let talk about Kim. I have entered another world with her but it takes smoking a lot of weed to meet the masters. When I'm high I see a world so completely different from this one. Everyone is thin and beautiful and a beautiful woman named Anna tells me that she will help me be beautiful. It's just like my dream except this Anna I'd harmless and Kim isn't dead or dying. She is just becoming closer to perfect. She introduced me to her friends. The online site called Pro-ana. I never knew about them but they are helping me so much. They don't want me to be fat ad much as I don't want to be fat. I'm starting the rainbow diet as soon as I'm done fasting for three days. I am getting thinner and I'm loving every second of it. So far I haven't binged so I find no reason to purge. Kim has taught me to buy clothes too small for me so I'll be encouraged to lose weight faster because I bought son really cute things. Kim and I hang out after my mom gets home because I leave when she arrives. Kim likes to wear dark clothing with death symbols and everything but she says she isn't Goth. She dyed her hair pink because she says she wants a new look. The masters want her to have a new look. I don't understand her worship of these weed Gods but I guess it's her everything. Kim had the worst mood swings, she tells me she is bipolar. Her parents have threatened have threatened her to a mental hospital multiple especially after she passed out and went to the hospital for a couple of days. Turns out she was in the hospital the same time I was. She was struggling to live as they pumped food into her. Her parents say that if she doesn't start to gain weight then they are sending her to an eating disorder clinic. She says she doesn't care what her patents say she only obeys the masters. I respect her so much, nothing can keep her from reaching her goal. Her goal is 65 pounds. I find that crazy but if she can do it so can I. But right now 76 pounds is my goal.

So my only friends are a bipolar goth and an anger driven 6 year old. Pretty lame. I guess I'm just sick of losing everyone and hunger pains. I just can't stand being me... I hate my life.