I stepped off of the New York City subway, wondering what would possibly happened it I just jumped.
I pushed the thought to the back of my mind, knowing that I shouldnt be considering these thoughts right now, but everything was consuming me.
I took a step to my right, my shoulder nudging with someone else's rather roughly, I swear I thought it would have dislocated.
Tightening the grip help on my black duffle bag with a red engraving clearly reading Co. Dance with Brinley neatly printed in simple font underneath.
I walked out of the subway and into the busy streets of New York where everyone was on their phones, rushing around, trying to get to places that they didnt need to be at for another hour or so.
To the right I could easily take a shortcut to get home within 15 minutes to have time to myself, I could let it all out then. Or I could take the left which would most likely get me home within the hour but then I'd get greeted by the faked smiles of my parents.
To the right, I thought. I walked rather quickly, nearly getting there in 5 minutes.
I took my bag off my shoulder as I ran up the steps of the loft, throwing my bag into my bedroom. Slipping my converse off quickly, I ran towards the bathroom.
My stomach is only currently surviving on water and 3 almonds. I've managed to keep it down all afternoon, but I couldnt stand the small amounts of food being process and burned into fat.
I flipped the shower on and turned on my music dock, just in case someone was to come home early.
I pulled my dirty blonde hair into a messy bun, ignoring the locks of hair that fell out. I opened the toilet lid and slid two fingers to the back of my throat. I lightly poked at the spot that I have mastered to help it work more. After pushing down on it, I felt the acid rise through my mouth, falling inside the toilet.
Literally repeating the action for about 5 minutes til all that came up was blood, I sat back against the wall and flushed the toilet. Using the damp wash cloth to wipe my mouth, the disgust of the bile made me want to puke more but I held it down.
Stripping of my ballet unitard and overlaying clothes due to the winter weather, I stepped into the luke warm shower, having the droplets warm up my body temperature.
Releasing my hair, it fell to my waist as it slowly stuck itself to my skin due to the moisture it has received.
I looked down at my legs, the recent patterns going in different directions. It's gotten to a point that Im simply cutting and dont feel a thing.
I heard multiple voices and decided to rush up my showering, I scrubbed my body properly but quickly while washing my hair with a vanilla scent.
I hopped out, my legs jiggling as I did so, it made my stomach weak. I wrapped the towel around my bare body and brushed my teeth before gathering my belongings and running down the hallway to my bedroom.
Locking the door, I dried off and threw on sweatpants and a jumper. My parents did not care enough to notice the massive weight loss that has occurred over the time spand of 1 year.
It didnt matter to them, usually money and eachother was the only essential to having a happy life.
I was involved in that plan, until I lost a competition and there was nothing I could do.
I stood behind the curtains, awaiting my turn to perform my solo for the competition.
The other acts turned out tremendously well, and I couldnt shake the feeling of being nervous. My muscles were prepared due to the past 4 dance numbers I had took part in.
"Next up is Brinley Rose, contemporary ballet, 'Fly'." I swayed onto stage taking my position needed.
This crowd was bigger, a lot more intense along with a rather more intimidating competition before me.
I began my solo, executing every portion of the dance correctly til my music skipped.
My heart stopped, I froze in place completely. The dance evaporated from my mind. I ended with my last movement, posing and quickly fled off stage.
After awards, I knew I didnt win my solo. But I did in my other dance numbers.
On the way home, criticism.
Walking up the flight of the stairs, my dad had taken a hold of my medium length hair that was now in a pony tail and yanked me down the stairs.
My head bounced with every step and I felt like I was going to gain brain damage. Luckily there was none.
That night I was beaten arround, called a disgrace, and embarassment, and every other disappointing word found in the dictionary, encyclopedia, you name it.
I adverted my attention back to the knock that was focusing on my door.
"Brinley darling, are you home? We have some folks who would like to talk to you about your dancing." my mom spoke gently, yet you could feel the daggers pulsing through each word.
"I'll be down in a second mom." I told her, looking at my face and touching up the almost completed faded bruise from my jaw line.
The lie this time was, " I slipped and hit my jaw against my stair railing." Oh totally believable.
Idiots.
I walked down the stairs to the main area where there were a male and female in business attire.
Mom and dad sat across from them while an open seat was left for me in the middle.
I squeezed my way inbetween, my mom tensing up obviously due to my apparel.
"Excuse the way for how I am currently portraying my look. I had just returned home from ballet and was unaware of company arriving." I said honestly, simply because that it what had happened.
The people brushed it off as we began to discuss my future.
They wanted me to perform for their coleagues, I had no interest but had no say in this. My parents have agreed and I was doing this.
