I stood in my old abandoned studio, seeing all the broken glass everywhere. I shook my head and left out the back door and walked around to another studio that was rarely used, I walked inside and set my things down before setting up my phone on the music doc.
I looked at the bruises all over my body as I rolled my sleeves up slightly and lifted my shirt some. I fixed my yoga leggings and shirt and slid on my foot paws, stretching gently so I can begin dancing. Human by Christina Perri began playing and I stood up, looking at myself in the smudged mirror.
My face was disgusting. My neck had the darkest marks that I never thought to be possible. I closed my eyes, allowing memories of the past to flow.
"Brinley! Come on!" Channing yelled from the bottom of my yard as I stood at my window. I looked at the time, seeing as it was midnight. My parents were asleep.
I climbed down the side fence against the wall and looked at my bestfriend. She smiled and took my hand as we ran down the street towards the creek.
"I can do it." she told me, smiling as she looked at the rope that was held to the string. "You're insane." I said, laughing slightly. She looked at me, her eyes glossy under the moonlight. "Im only human."
...
I watched as Channing held hands with Mason, her smile shining wide. "Come on Brinley!!" she yelled to me, as she released his hand and came to get me so we can wander the fair together.
Mason looked at me, smiling as if I was a younger sister to him. I looked to my right as Riley locked arms with me, her finally joining with us once more after getting fried food.
"Want?" she asked, I couldnt help but agree as I took a fried oreo for myself and smiled as we joked stupidly and made up weird accents as we would wait in line while the love birds spoke quietly to each other, smiling widely.
...
"Did you not hear me?" my dad yelled at me as I tried to learn new steps from a dance instructor. "God dammit Brinley, can you not be so fucking stupid and just DANCE properly." he yelled at me.
I looked at my thinning posture. My scarred thighs behind the sheer of my tights.
I tried moving my legs as they pained from the harm. I fell to the ground, groaning as I knew I had to keep going.
My father looked at me with disgust. The choreographer thought I was a waste of time. I stared at the ceiling of my dance studio listening to the two insult me on my lack of structure.
I shook my head, rubbing my hands over my face as I looked over the redness of my dull eyes. Everything was so complicated. Amnesia, basically not having parents, feeling regret.
I was a machine to everything my parents constructed in broad daylight, I was a monster in the depths of the hollow night which engulf my every being.
I took a look at the dirty mirror and fell to the floor, clutching my legs to my chest as I cried. I finally allowed all my emotions to fall out realizing that Im only human and there isnt much a fucked up human like me could do.
I didnt have the one person that meant the absolute world to me because she left the same way I shouldve a long time ago. She left one way and I couldve gone a different way but the world just didnt want it for me. They didnt want people to suffer for losing a life that didnt want to be lived.
The world wants this healthy, happy girl when I just want to be tucked away and never shown to anyone ever again.
The stories that supposedly occurred with Ashton flow through my head. I lift my head up, looking at my reflection. I stood up and walked to my phone, pulling it out of the stand and searched for one number specifically.
Once I found it I dialed it, awaiting the accent to fill the speaker.
~
I sat at Starbucks in my tall folk print wide leg pants from TOPSHOP and a black long sleeve with oxfords as I looked at Luke in front of me.
"Is everything okay?" he asked, looking at me seriously. I took a deep breath, "What if I simply CANT remember?" I asked. He looked puzzled for a second before realizing the question at hand. Biting his lip, pulling at the ring slightly he took my hands in his own, staring at me intently.
"You get to know him all over again. You fall in love with Ashton again. You fall for and learn to know the boy who accepted you for your anorexia, your depression, your self harm. Find the boy who meant the world to you and cared for your every need. You need it for yourself if not for him, and soon enough I know you can do it." he spoke calmly as his thumbs rubbed over my hands.
I nodded, knowing he was right.
"Thank you.. Honestly, without all of you I would probably be at a hotel. Or dead. Most likely dead." I sighed and pulled my hands from his own, rubbing my face for probably the thousandth time today. "I cant stop replaying old memories of Channing. Or of my fathe- of the man that practically killed me. I cant stop the self loathe because now I just feel like it's a lot worse because I cannot remember anything about Ashton but I remember all of you and it pisses me off because of the stories he had told me seemed so real and loving and I cannot relive any of it."
I felt the tears prick my eyes as I wiped them away. Luke got up and came to me, hugging me tightly as he rubbed my back, "Everything will find its way back together."
