Getting Over You

This Love Is Killing Me

*Ariana's POV*
I know I said I was enjoying being single and exploring my love for girls, but me and Sean have been talking recently about getting back together. I know recently he has been such a good and supportive guy and when we were together in the past it was pretty magical, but thinking more about it reminded me of some of the more horrible parts of our love. there are some things he has done in the past that are almost unforgivable.

like things he said to me when we were starting to break up, or that fact that he was a bitter ex. also he had a lot of jealousy (which I sort of liked) but sometimes he would take it too far by getting into fights with my ex's and any guy who flirted with me. and the most unforgivable thing of all was that time we had to perform together for an award show or something and he almost ruined my career by playing a cruel prank on me. you guys can probably remember me talking about it last year. it was so awful. I never thought someone who loved me so much would do such horrible things to me. and to add to all that he fucking stabbed my boyfriend. Ricky and him got into a fight about the whole thing and Sean pulled out a knife. it scared me so much and Ricky got his arm cut. Sean has anger issues but he promised me he has been dealing with them. I just can't stop thinking about that awful side of him. I think I forgave him and I want to forget it but what if it happens again?

I know neither of us are perfect and he is probably as worried about my depression as I am about his anger issues but I want to feel safe in his arms. the whole point of this story is for me to love him again, and I want to! I really fucking want to. we both love each other but I don't know if love is enough. I'm overthinking this again. and worrying about this is what gives me stress and anxiety my head starts spinning and I end up wanting to hurt myself. my doctor has been working with me to get over these feelings but when I start to worry about boy drama it Brings me right back. that's why I wanna try stuff with a girl, maybe it will be less complicated?

I'm so tired of all this drama, why can't I just be in love with someone and that be it? I mean relationships are complicated enough, but when you add being a celebrity on top of it all it sometimes makes it worse. I wanna be single but I'm tired of being lonely, I can't love myself so I need someone else! oh god I can feel the anxiety boiling in my chest. it feels like I have a ball in my throat! my eyes are watering. usually when I get these feelings I go to self harm for release but I can't do that anymore. I know some of my beautiful fans hurt themselves. and I always tell them to be strong, but how can they listen to me when I'm a big hypocrite! I'm sorry I'm rambling on to you about this but I can't keep this inside. you have to understand that even though I'm so lucky to be where I am, sometimes being famous can get to much for me. I mean, imagine being judged by the whole world....

*seans POV*
with Ricky out of the picture now is my time to get Ariana back before she falls in love with someone else. I've been texting her all night and we've been talking about being together again. but I'm worried about a relationship being to hard on her right now. she's fragile.

when Dangerous Woman first came out she was so strong and confident, but after all the boy drama and self harm I've seen her confidence deflate. I feel really bad coming back into her life and killing all the strong woman power she had, but I also feel like I did her a favour by saving her from a fake and abusive relationship with Ricky. I'm so glad she fired him too. I know she's worried about my jealousy and anger issues but how am I supposed to feel when the whole fucking world is in love with her and I have to fight to be relevant to her.

I see the way she looks at people sometimes and I know I'm a catch but sometimes I wonder if I'm not enough for her. I gotta keep her into me because I know she gets bored easily, and I have to make it about more than just sex. it has to be a REAL relationship. do you see the struggle? it can't be all about sex but it can't be boring and sexless. I have to be enough but not too much. I gotta keep her focused on me. I don't know if I can do it. all I want is to be with her again but I don't know if I can handle all that woman and personality. but I think in the beginning it might be easier since she's so crushed and fragile right now. but I have to grow with her instead of against her. I want to take a leap with her. I'm gonna try this.

*Ariana's POV*
I'm gonna be honest. when I was with Ricky I thought a lot about Sean. Everyone knows I express my feelings through music, so dangerous woman was a lot about Ricky but it was mostly about Sean. everyone thought I was singing about Ricky because he was who I was in love with but honestly I think my mind was always on Sean.

case in point:

in moonlight I said "tryna sit in the back of his whip and just cancel my plans" well Ricky doesn't have a whip, and Sean does. I also say stuff like "he's so bossy. sweet like candy but he's such a man" that's about Sean too. since Sean is so sweet to me but still a badass man and rapper at the same time.

I could go on & on about examples of Sean in all my songs but that could take forever and I think most of my fans have already figured it out. I think my heart and my body are in love with him but my brain is scared of getting hurt again. I mean, I thought Ricky was going to be my forever boy but he broke my heart. when my heart breaks my whole self crumbles and I don't know if I have enough of myself left to pick up the pieces if Sean breaks my heart again. I love him but I'm scared.

but I can't be afraid anymore! I'm going to try this! I'm going to try being with him again. I hope it goes well. this ride is about to get crazy, I better hold on....