Can I Continue...

17 or 382 days

Waiting at the hospital is worse then being admitted into it. For someone you love to be trapped in a room where you can obviously see their discomfort it's something else entirely. It hurts to see him like this and although it brings back painful memories, me and Joe go over to Cam's room every day. Believe it or not, Joe and Cam used to be best friends, hitting on anything with boobs together. When gramps left Joe was instantly by my side and stopped messing around to confort me, which annoyed Cameron but it didn't matter as a week later, he left too.

Cam was knocked out in the crash and is on life support in the ICU. All of the other members of the crash left a while ago. One family, the Jonsons, comes back everyday at a similar time to us to see how everyone is.

Today I arrived earlier than usual seeing as mum was driving past to go into work later. My cruched walk slowed, as it always does, as I entered the doors and I stopped for a moment to get used to the smell. Tears pricked my eyes as I remembered everything that's happened within these walls and my breathing speeds up.

A lady walks towards me, consern written across her features. I wiped my eyes carefully, still breathing to fast for comfort. My eyes bulged slightly as I tried to slow my breathing. I'd been fine until now, what went wrong? I tried to focus on her voice, she was saying something. "...ok, dear? You seem on the verge of a panic attack... "I blanked slightly as I remembered the last time I had an attack, not a panic but an asthmatic one, the day before gramps died when I had managed to wind myself up so much I need my inhaler for the first time in years, "... darling you need to calm down.." yes because I can automatically calm down when you say that can't I the voice inside me says as I shut my eyes tightly closed, tears seeping under the lids as I see him again, his naturally disgruntled face slightly disapproving when he sees me crying. It makes me cry harder, that I can still see him.

I fell to the floor, ignoring my cruches that fell beside me. She crouched next to me with another but I almost don't hear the kind lady talking to another person: "She walked in alone, shaking slightly, silently crying looking deep in thought. I've never seen someone on the edge for so long, is it her self preservance that holds her back for so long or is the extent of her attack? I can only guess what the poor soul has been through, does she know you? Sometimes music and familiar faces can help deal with these types of things..." She continued but quieter, at a volume I couldn't hear over the sobs that rocked my body in tremors that terrified me.

Maybe it was a panic attack this time.

Arms wrapped around my body and rocked me gently from side to side which I didn't notice at first because of the tremors. I opened my eyes and blinked at the white walls and celing. The blurry people slowly faded into vision as a smooth thumb carefully wiped the tears away. Slowly blue eyes came into focus and Joe's blond hair was no longer fuzzy.

I gripped at his shirt as I hyperventilated, my eyes dry but at the same time stinging with unshed tears.

I thought about how many accidents I had caused. How many I had missed out of the goodness of others. How many I had lost family and friends from. How accident prone I was and how this hurt others. How many lives I had ruined. My vision blurred again and I shut my eyes at Joe's expression. I never liked to break  down of Joe, still don't - it made me feel wierd, like crying in front of a brother. Train tracks identical to the ones that were just wiped off my face stained my face soundlessly as I cried louder than ever, mentally beating myself for coming here without moral support.

I mean of all stupid decisions I could have made, I chose the one that lead to crying on the floor of a hospital for my own selfish reasons, not even crying over someone admitted.

Seems pretty dumb to me.

So why did I do it? You may be asking. I needed to see Cam before something happened. Just because I usually dress like a tomboy, doesn't mean I am one anymore.

I've changed from what I used to be. Who I used to be.

Eventually my breathing calmed and I was pulled to my feet. My shaking legs were knocking my knees and I was shivering badly, keeping my weight of one foot for the knee was hard. I leant into Joe's welcoming arms as I attempted to calm down fully. I looked bad with red rimmed eyes, my hair a birds nest on my head and my clothes crumpled abit from rocking on the floor. My knee throbbed from where I fell down but in general I felt the worst I have in years.

The lady, who I found out was a nurse called lydia, lead me to a seat in the closest searing area and gave my leg a once over. Joe had my chair in his car for school so got it out. I was put in it and rolled to Cameron's room.

The Jonsons were already there, Tammy (15), Tarn (7) and Toby (1) with their parents, Tanya and Tim. Tammy was talking to the nurse, the bruses that littered her arms were fading, Tarn was looking at the heart monitor machine while Toby squirmed in his dad's arms when he saw me. Toby was placed in my lap and immediately pulled on my hair happily while gurgling. I smiled down at him while Tanya asks me why I was in my wheelchair. I smiled sadly and shook my head, and mouthed 'attack'. She came over and hugged me, careful not to knock my knee or the baby. Of everyone here, she was the most understanding, having had asthma herself.

I looked at Toby, at his innocent eyes and realised he had been through so much for a one year old. Holding him close, I stroked his hair.

"L...lu lu?" Toby stuttered. We all stared at the one year old I was clutching.

"Lucy?" Cam croaked, and our heads turned towards him in supprise.

"What's everybody looking at?"

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A/N and so even though he's not on wattpad, I dedicate this chapter to a friend called Jacob who has given me great critic on following chapters which I have been able to sort of edit and fix wierd parts of. I hope you guys like the following, double updates because cliffhangers everywhere

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L xxx