Can I Continue...

20 days

You can tell when the medicine runs out - that's when the numbness ends. I sound like a fish out of water. In other circumstances it would be funny but it's just painful. Joe lies with me but i can feel nothing but pain. It's annoying really because I scream for what could be and they give me meds to soothe what is.

Hospital food is really bad but I still had to have the IV so I didn't need it. The idea of food repulsed me anyway. I'd already ruined multiple people's lives.

The physical pain doesn't bother me much anymore. Just the fact I can't attend the world's. It seems stupid, but when one spends 13 years developing skills to improve in the sport she loves, having a serious injury that prevents her going to an event she has waited for is a seriously low blow. Not to mention in the process I had ruined my all time best friends life too. 

My mind is a dangerous place. The hospital gives too much free time which my brain has wholeheartedly decided to fill with memories I have tried to repress since it happened.

Memories of gramps. Memories of loss. Of pain. Of nightmares.

I woke once again screaming in my sleep tears pouring from my eyes in a waterfall, train tracks on my face. The doctors never ran in at the sound of my screaming anymore - there wasn't anything they could do. Only Joe conforts me. Mum can't stay in hospitals because of what happened and dad hates it when I scream, it makes him cry. He also wants to stay with mum.

Whenever Joe conforts me, it immediately makes me feel worse. I litrally got him kicked off the team! I litrally got him dumped by his 2 YEAR girlfriend. I litrally am the WoRSt BESTFRIEND EVER.
As my sobs reached a hysterical level, Joe's eyes widened in alarm. His hands uselessly fluttered around my body as he tried to work out what was going on. I need to tell him. I need to calm down. I need to stop crying.

When all hope is gone, and you welcome the numbness but it refuses to drag you under, you are in this horibble, trance like state where you are repeatedly bashed against the cliff face,  dragged under only to resurface and wiplashed so hard it becomes part of the pain. The unimaginable, uncomprehendable, awful, tiring pain.

When all hope is gone, and you welcome others into your barely decorated hospital room in the vain hopes you will leave quicker if you smile, but it doesn't work and you have to hold back tears and yawns and pain.

When all hope is gone, and you welcome the forthcoming lonliness that will eventually but inevitably invade your life but it won't arrive as or when you want, but does come around when you stand a chance of going back to the old life you use to live.
When all hope is gone, many people say your overreacting when you say you don't want to go back to school until your better even though you have been discharged from the hospital, and your bestie is the only one who understands, there is no hope the day you go back to school will be a very apprehensive one for both you and all your friends.

When visiting hours rolled around, I was finally allowed to leave. It does mean food but I don't need that yet. My appetite is rubbish at the moment anyway. The human body can last for up to two weeks without food, and I've not gone off drinking stuff. It's fine. I will live.

It's already sunday and tomorrow I get to go back to school. Woop. Not. I've been given a set of cruches and a wheelchair that Joe's pillow is on. I got wheeled out by Joe,  holding dad's hand while mum stroked my hair. I had been given tablets for any physical pain. I'm fine

But then again surely I should be really glad that Sam didn't do any lasting damage.

Yet.

No lasting damage yet.

School might change that.

School will change that.

Fudge cakes.
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A/N when you relise that this chapter is soo damm short but you ran out of ideas for this day.
First day of school this morning. Urgggg. 
Hopefully it's ok
Comment what you think xx

L xxx