Back To You (Camren)

12

Everything is Dark and Gloomy.
I cannot feel anything. I can't sleep, i can't eat, and sometimes i just don't want to exist.

How do you move on from the death of someone you loved? I guess.. You really don't. You cannot. No one could have survived that fall. Not even a supernatural being.  But.. they said it's just a part of a process. The grieving process.  The weird  thing about devastating loss is that life actually goes on. When you're faced with a tragedy, a loss so huge that you have no idea how you can live through it, somehow, the world keeps turning, the seconds keep ticking.. and you are stuck. 

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"Lauren?! oh god... You broke something again!"

Taylor entered my room. She probably over heard me threw the glass of water to the wall.

"Are you alright?"
She quickly grabbed my hand. "Christ!, thanks you didn't hurt yourself today..."
She spoke.

I avoided looking at her. I know what she's thinking. She thinks I'm hurting my self. Like i'm suicidal or something. But i'm not, im just careless. Last week, i accidentally cut my knees when i threw a wine bottle at the floor..

"I,- I dreamt of Camila again. She's happy, we are happy." I spoke.
Taylor sighed and looked at me.
"We are talking about how her day was and that she misses me. She asked me if i want to eat pizza, i said yes. She said that she'll just go out to buy pizza. I waited for her, she never camr back. Then i woke up. Here, at this.. lonely room.."
I felt my tears started falling.

"Lo." Taylor spoke.
"It's been one month."

"I could have saved her Taylor, i could have done something..."
I interjected.

"You know what i think?"
Taylor asked. I glanced at her.
"You should at least.. do something for your self... you've been isolating on this room for a couple of weeks now.."

"I don't know how to live any more. I was looking forward to spend the rest of my life with Camila.. but she's.. gone.."
I bit my lip, saying that broke my heart even more.

"You need to accept it Lauren. Camila is on a safer..better place now, and she's guiding us.  I know that, she wants you to be happy and just to continue living.. for her.."
Taylor held my hand. 

"She's my life... How can i live without her?" I uttered.

"I know how you feel. But this is part of God's plan. Look at what you have to be thankful for. I know Camila doesn't want you to act like this Lauren. This is behind you now; it's time to get on with your life..."
Taylor gently wiped the moist that is coming from my eyes. 

I just looked at my sister. It's easy for her to say those things. Because, she's not on my shoes.

"You should visit her." Taylor said.
"It's been a month since her funeral, and you haven't left this room since... It's about time sis.."
Taylor added. 

She's right. It's been one month since Camila died. After her funeral, i decided to just stay inside my room. Mourn inside the four corners of my room. I never left our house ever since. 

Dinah, Ally and Normani visits me sometimes. But all of us are grieving too. And i want to deal with this all by myself.  So i chose to isolate myself. 

Taylor stood up. She picked the broken glass pieces. 

"Don't go to this area okay? I'll just get something to clean that up.."
Taylor left.

 I lay in my bed. It's been one month since Camila's death. And i am stuck.
I felt like I existed in a sort of parallel universe, waiting for her to come back. That this is not happening. That this is just a dream. I cannot recall on how many tears i've shed. Felt like I've cried so hard, that i've become numb inside. The numbness that i thought would lasted for just a day, but i still feel numb, and lifeless. and now i just feel sad and lost. The worst thing.. the thing thats driving me crazy is that, Camila and I were supposed to start the new chapter of our lives together, and now she's gone. I can't hold her, kiss her, feel her face against mine. And now every morning whenever i woke up, well if i even get to sleep, whenever i would remember that Camila is gone. It felt like I was losing my mind. I love her so much I don't know what I'm going to do without her.