CAUTION: TRIGGER WARNING ATTEMPTED RAPE AND OTHER HARMFUL ATTEMPTS. IF YOU ARE NOT PLEASED WITH THIS CHAPTER I ADVISE YOU TO NOT READ AND SKIP ONTO THE NEXT ONE.
So I just started back to counseling, and well, I ended up telling her pretty much everything about me.
That I'm asexual. Pan. And possibly a trans* and that I wouldn't hesitate to take T and have top surgery if anyone asked.
Strange thing.
It took me a long time to realize such a thing. I was thinking about it last year, and I think a year before that. That's when all these terms were spreading like Caitlin Jenner and the acceptance of legal gay marriage. I never really heard about these things before so it was very new to me.
And that's also when they were talking about these things in church. Like all churches, mine was very homophobic/transphobic. So my pastor began to explain about being gay and how it's wrong and a sin and how we will be sent to hell and all these other ridiculous topics so I often stayed away because I was confused and unsure.
Well, I had a panic attack after church that day after trying not to cry my fucking eyes out because it would raise suspicion in the church. I went straight to the bathroom and bawled my eyes out and took a long ass shower because I felt disgusted within myself and felt dirty and unclean and I just wanted to rip my soul out from my body. I scrubbed endlessly at my skin until they just about bled. I wanted to throw up and cut myself again because I used to be very suicidal, and what my pastor said just triggered me into a mental break down. Holy shit, I almost relapsed.
I hated myself and fell back into depression immediately. I felt like being part of who I was, was wrong. I felt like I wasn't supposed to be like this and tried to not accept of who I was.
But I finally came to terms with my self after forever and confirmed my sexuality/gender. I accepted myself and became more confident with who I was as a person.
Anyways, back on topic...
I hated the word ma'am. I always wanted to be called sir. I played with my brothers toys as a kid, even though children toys shouldn't be gendered in the first place. I didn't understand the whole use of gender roles and I always questioned why it was like this. I ended up getting the same response: it's just the way it is.
I've always hated dresses and all things girly.
I always felt more in place when I was surrounded by guys.
I felt comfortable and safe when I wore my men's clothes, especially my hoodie. Instant stress relief.
I never understood women's liking for things as makeup, or who's abs I wanted to lick, or dressing how my mother wanted me to dress. And I especially hated BOWS and RIBBONS. I would yank them out if I had to and put them through a paper shredder if I could. My mom made bows and ribbons for me when I was little child so she wanted me to look cute.
I never fit into the category. Feminine was out of the question and so was being girly. It wasn't me at all.
I never felt like I was in place.
I didn't want to be pregnant. Or be a mother.
I hated most feminine things.
