Okay, so everyone's aware I lost my virginity a couple weeks ago back in October. I've come to update on that.
A lot has happened since then. I was dubbed his friends-with-benefits as we did it a couple more times.
Honestly, I feel like a horrible person. I was trying to attempt to manipulate him through those sex acts so he would be my boyfriend. I was literally trying to manipulate him just so he'd like me. You know How endorphins run through the brain giving signals for that person to like you?
It didn't work.
Because we ended up just as friends. I didn't have any problem with that at all. I wasn't a fan of doing that anyways. But it was literally the only thing that was sensual with him. He'd call me up just for that and I'd do it just so I could stay with him longer.
I felt guilty and disappointed in myself. I was trying to get something out of him just so he'd like me. But it's all over now.
It's relieving me a bit. I don't have to force myself to have sex with someone just because I like them.
Except he's trying to make things work with some girl. Which hurt me, but I didn't let that show. I just liked him a lot which was dangerous.
Now we're smoke-buddies.
We still hang out, except we just get high together. Basically, he's my plug. I'm not even mad. Still like him, but it won't work out between us.
How this contributes to my sexuality is weird. I'm still very ace. I'm not attracted to him sexually at all. But I would do it with him just to keep him with me, but that's just really fucked up.
Like. . . Desperate much?
And I'm another note, my depression is returning along with my anxiety. It's been doing this for a while, but all of a sudden it's much more frequent and constant. It's random during times it doesn't need to be. I hate it so much and it makes me hate myself and be so insecure. I don't know what I'm doing. I just feel like I suck at everything and I'm not worth anything. I don't know what's wrong, it's just everything coming back like it did in my early high school years. I'm just getting bad again.
Another ranting. Get on with your life and be happy. I'm just going to hurt for a minute.
