*Contains trigger warnings
I know what you guys are thinking... this Bitch had sex again?
If only that were the case, my dear readers.
I've come to tell a story. A story of lost friendship, betrayal, and terrorizing trauma.
It all started in college. I had became friends with this guy at the beginning of my second college year, and we had gotten along pretty well. We've been friends for a while now. I'm not going to say his real name so I'm going to call him Johnny. I will be honest, we did fool around a little bit. I was under the influence before during those times, even though it really isn't excusable.
But I'm going to say something that happened recently. I've been needing to get this off my chest for some time now as it had broken me and made me fall apart. I've been suicidal before, and it caused me to relapse over it. I've been dealing with this unresolved anger towards him. Know why?
This is why:
There was a party on September 27-28 on a Thursday night. I had planned on staying the night because I had lost my key card so I couldn't get back into the dorms until my roommate was going to be there and that would've been the next day.
Anyways, so I'm getting drunk at this party. I smoked a few blunts so I was feeling pretty great. All my friends are with me and we're just having a great time. It gets about midnight and some of my guy friends are wanting Huddle House and they needed me to navigate since I'm the only one that knows the way. So we get there, eat for a while then come back to the apartments an hour later.
Apparently Johnny loses his phone so him and I have to go back to Huddle House and look for it. Once we get back to the restaurant, he doesn't find it inside. It's completely gone. Upset; he gets back in the car and takes us back to the apartments where it's locked so Johnny has to get in through the window so I can be let in through the door.
The door is opened and my eyes wonder towards a few friends of mine who were fast asleep on both couches. I respectively take the floor and Johnny follows suit. We lay for a little bit and then begin to fool around, I'm still completely drunk at that point. I stop him at a certain point of it all and tell him I'm going to sleep because I've been tired all day and it was incredibly late in the morning because I had to be back home to work on the yard sale with my mom.
And I did fall asleep. I didn't know how much time had passed at that point; I was completely out of it. That was, until I began choking mid-dream, opening my eyes and looking up at Johnny in complete fear and panic because his dick was pushed down my throat gagging me.
I push myself off of him hastily and I'm like "whoa what the fuck dude. That's not cool man." And he apologizes and remarks that he didn't know what he was doing.
I flip my shit. I'm freaking out. He had broken my trust and betrayed my friendship just because he forced me to do head in my sleep. Because his drunk ass couldn't keep his pants on. I get up and leave the floor joining my two friends we're on the couch as I squeeze myself in the seat. Johnny left the apartment and I didn't see him if he came back in or not because I had gone back to sleep at that point because I didn't know what else to do. I was scared and in panic.
Because of that, it made me fall deep into a hole of my depression as it has resurfaced. I actually relapsed, as it made me hate myself and be absolutely miserable. I haven't done that in quite a long time actually, so that means I'm losing everything around me.
I skipped going to the dining hall just so I wouldn't see his face. It's been days since I've had real food as I've been living off of noodles and Mac and cheese because all I can think about when I see him is this rage and hatred toward him like all I want to do is punch him in the throat. So I've been avoiding it and my friends the entire time. I haven't seen my friends in days either because I mainly see them during lunch and dinner hours so I don't see them anymore.
So I tried to get this situation handled after a week of dealing with this suffering. All I've been doing was listening to X's song Changes and sad! and NUMB. I've skipped two classes because of it. I told my RA what happened during show choir so we printed out a report to fill out and take it to the security campus police who then told us we had to take it to the actual police department because it was off-campus based. So the RA and another RA join me to the police as I told him everything that happened. I had to file another report and tell him everything that has happened including all the shit that Johnny has done, which were purely evil.
So he had this girlfriend for a while, and she was just messing with him I suppose and she took his phone from his. Well Johnny wasn't having it. He hit her as hard as he could and knocked her out unconscious along with missing teeth and spewing blood. Then the dog come in, takes Johnny by the foot in it's mouth, and he kills the dog with a knife just to get him off!
This was just one of his stories that he's told me. I honestly believe it's true. He's a psychopath.
He has this weird "philosophy" as well. My friend told me about it because Johnny and her are good friends. Well, this is what he told her. "When a girl is sober and she says no then I'll leave her alone, but when she's drunk, it doesn't matter. I have my own set of rules towards it."
This whole situation is crazy. My best friends boyfriend, who was there at the apartment when it happened, told me not to confront the police because he thinks it's bad enough as it is, just begging me not to turn him in. When I told the chief he told me to re-evaluate my friendship with him.
So there will be a part two of what happens next. I'm going to have to take this to court even though I really don't want to, I know I'm going to get super anxious about it but hey it's adulting. He's going to jail for the time being as it is now under investigation, but he hasn't been arrested yet. The police want to get him by surprise as the chief told me so I'm waiting for that.
And that's my story. I needed to get this off my chest. Good thing about audiences is that we don't know each other in person so you don't personally know me.
Hopefully to me, this lifts up some weight of my chest and brings me closer to closure. I can't live like this forever, living my sophomore year in college in fear and rage over some jerk ass bitch decides to rape me. I'm supposed to stay positive and happy. I can't spiral down again. I've gotten so far mentally and emotionally, it's tearing me apart now. I can't let this control me. I need to get myself together and get over it. I can't cry over someone who hurt me. But then again, I'm in pain from it. I'm still hurt by it. I'm drowning in my own sobs and I'm triggered by everything now. I can't trust anyone now can I? Maybe like three people, but maybe not even that. I'm just try by to move on, but it's feeling impossible.
I've had a few people reach out to me but I'm pushing them away. I don't tell them. No one needs to know. My family doesn't know, and they never will. My mother tried to get me to tell her what happened because she thinks something is wrong, and she's right. But the last time I've told her something like this, she didn't believe me.
Anyways, I'll give further update when the investigation continues. The chief already told me he's like 98% sure he's going to jail long term but he could just end up getting probation. I'm giving them a sweater soon because it has his... seed on it and other dna. It actually belongs to my ex which he'll never get back because it'll be destroyed. I'm gonna have to get him a new hoodie...
