Trapped in Twilight, Help!

Chapter 45

"No judging," Was the first things out of my mouth as Edward and Tanya came up to my room.

"No, Edy," Tanya smiled, "Of course not."

Edward forced a smile on his face and said "I'm really happy for you, Edythe."

I had no doubt in my mind that Edward was happy for me, that I have my soulmate (I liked the term, but I didn't like the term - it suggested that Paul and I were romantically involved), he's just furious that it's a wolf.

"Thanks," I said anyway, tucking my knees to my chest and dropping my book beside me on the bed. "How long are you staying, Tanya?"

"I'm going to head back with Rose and Emmett after your first meeting on the Rez. Whenever that may be," Tanya informed, leaning in the doorway. "When will that be?"

I bit my lip, honestly, I wanted to go to the Rez tomorrow, Saturday, when the sun would be hidden behind a blanket of thick clouds and Esme and Carlisle could be with me, but I just shrugged instead, "I'm not sure. Whenever it works out, I guess."

There was no use hiding anything from Edward, which was fine. He and Jasper could sort through my conflicting emotions and thoughts together. I was excited, I had someone who would love me unconditionally who wasn't family (biologically related or not) and I didn't have to worry about them looking at me with something other than that unconditional love. It was a dream come true, in theory. My problem was, I didn't want a soulmate. I wanted to fall in love with someone who would choose to look at me with unconditional love, who would choose to make me laugh while I cry through a sad book or would say no to someone much better looking than me because they wanted to, not because the universe or fate decided that we were meant for each other.

I supposed, for vampires, it was different; they had one lifetime to fall in love and learn and a whole existence to find their mate and be with them through everything. Not to mention, I knew Paul from the books; loud, obnoxious, territorial and triggered are the words I'd use to describe him. Personalities weren't different, I found, it was their choices.

Perfect example; Edward. Edward is a brooder, who usually doesn't smile without reason. Tanya brings out the best in him and it's spectacular to see... but Edward's tried to be with her for fifty years, whatever they have didn't click for the both of them at the same time. He suffered for a while.

I wanted that suffering. I wanted to have to fight for love, to wait for it so I could cherish it. I couldn't get that with Paul. Sure, my imprintee (or whatever you wanted to call him) is supposed to be whatever I need; a friend, a brother, a boyfriend, a lover, a future - but whatever he is now, it's always going to become something more in the future.

Or, I could refuse the whole thing, ignore my excitement and nerves and conflicting self and just ignore him. The selfish part of me wanted to, the even more selfish part of me wanted to go to the Rez now and get to know him. The logical part of me said that maybe he'd be who I needed him to be, maybe he'd been what I needed all my life.

The realistic part of me said that I was dreaming and my life with the Cullens was fake. I ignored that part of me.

"Edy?" Edward said softly.

"Yeah? Sorry." I said, shaking myself out of whatever trance I'd slipped into when I realized they'd asked me something.

"Are you feeling alright?" Edward repeated. "You got pretty pale."

Tanya's cold hand was on my shoulder, something I didn't realize before.

"I'm just going to go to bed early," I decided. "I'm over thinking everything again and I'm driving myself insane."

Tanya nodded understandingly, "Of course, Edythe, good night."

"Night, Edy, love you." Edward told me, slipping his am around Tanya's waist as she stood up before shutting the door behind them.

"Night," I muttered, "Love you too."

What do you guys think?  I'm super excited for this!!!!!!!!!!!!